Feedback wanted.

Loki

Loki

Veteran
I am writing this as an assignment for my so called "writing Class".

anywho.. I just wanted to know what people thought of it.

http://dreamsoftfilms.dunderbug.com/beth.html

I got quite sad when I was writing this.. maybe thats a good sign.. or maybe I was just really into it at the time.. owell..

the assignment only allows us to use scene action and no dialogue.. it has to be the first 3 pages of a screenplay.

it is not necessarily meant to be a complete piece but I did try and just make it so that it would be a snippet type story.

any thoughts on it are welcome.

cheers
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

I thought your initial idea with the rings was pretty good. Here are some thoughts about your screenwriting technique, in order of their importance:

1) Condense. That's a lot of descriptive paragraph to read. Also, shorten up the amount of text I have to scan by making your paragraph breaks come more often, particularly at the beginning.

2) Show Don't Tell. It's extremely easy to tell us, "He is angry at himself," but "hits his head back against the wall of the shower" is much better. You got it several times, but several other times I felt I was just being told how someone felt or what they were thinking. You're trying to get people to visualize this movie/scene. Telling them how someone is thinking or feeling takes them outside the scene, and you don't want that. Show them, so that they stay involved.

3) Dialogue. Have some. Jerry can talk to someone in the hospital, he can talk to Beth (even though she can't hear him). Something to break it up. I understand if your artistic vision is that this would be only part of a larger whole and would work better silent. But if this is all there is, you don't really want a movie with no dialogue at all.

4) Don't write directions for the music, unless this is a productions script that you yourself are going to direct. If it's something you're going to try to sell, just don't do it.

5) You only need to capitalize someone's name and give their general description the first time we meet them.

6) You seem as though you would benefit from another good proofreading. If you are not skilled in the use of the English language, ask someone else who is. Besides, that will give you another person's feedback.


I hope this helps you, and keep writing! You only get better. Also, read a lot. Not just screenplays, but anything you know to be good.

Ryan
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

thanks for the feedback..

there is no dialogue cause I am not allowed to have dialogue in it. It is an assignment for school.
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

No dialogue? What a strange thing. For having that requirement, sounds like you didn't do too badly.

Ryan
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

For the restriction placed on you, I thought it was rather good. The only thing I would add or change is when Jerry enters the emergency room and the sound track is silenced, I would make the action in slow motion until he enters Beth's room. Again, good job. 8)
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

[quote author=glassblowerscat link=board=writing;num=1099374438;start=0#3 date=11/02/04 at 11:17:40]No dialogue? What a strange thing.[/quote]

Writing scenes without dialog is a great way to learn expressing story through pictures. For example, silent films (Harold Lloyd, Chaplin, etc.) had limited or no dialog yet worked very well.
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

The story through pictures thing is true. Hans, you are so right.

But I disagree with jweeks about the writing in slow motion. You shouldn't try to be director or editor when you write, unless you do it really subtly in a way that won't piss off the director or editor when they read it.
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

When I write, sometimes a visual will come into mind and I think it would work for the script. I never write for the "director or editor" I write it the way It comes to me or affects me. If the director dosen't like a part or dosen't think something woks, hey as long as you buy it, you can do what you want with it, but it's put on paper my way. 8)
 
Re: Feedback wanted.

I love writing scene's with no dialogue.. cause I can then just use images.. which is what film originated with anyways... I mean it is a visual medium... better to tell a story through action rather than dialogue... unless your Tarentino :)

anywho thanks for the response guys... the hardest thing I find is not writing a "shooting" script... ie: something that has no camera language at all.. that is challenging to me cause I see scenes in my mind that way when I construct them.. so it has been quite a good exercise..
 
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