Feedback on Short Screenplay

Um, I'll have to think about it. I think that you have an engaging style but the sequencing seems a little off. I think I can see where you are trying to go with the last few scenes but it's a little confusing. Perhaps it needs to be a little longer to provide some more information. I'm also wondering how this will translate to screen.

Let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
 
Thanks for taking the time to read Yeddi...

Could definitely expand more, please let me know where it gets confusing...

I wanted to try not reveal too much in parts, so that the story is not too predictable...but it's difficult to know when there is not enough revealed as well. I also wanted to tell the story in a non-linear way.

PJ.
 
pjay79 said:
Thanks for taking the time to read Yeddi...

Could definitely expand more, please let me know where it gets confusing...

I wanted to try not reveal too much in parts, so that the story is not too predictable...but it's difficult to know when there is not enough revealed as well. I also wanted to tell the story in a non-linear way.

PJ.
Click to expand...

I haven't read your script, but I always figure the best way to avoid having the story be too predictable is to make sure unpredictable things keep happening.

:)
 
Hey PJ,

I get your drift. A finely crafted reveal is like a game of Janga, pull the wrong rod and it all comes tumbling down in a pile of crap.

I think where you lose me is on p6. I've been trying to work out why but can't seem to come up with a concrete reason as to why it is there exactly- useless I know. Perhaps it is the details. I think what it might be is that this script is crying out to be a feature, not a short and for two reasons:
1. It gives you room to add more detail, develop the characters etc. There is a lot going on in this script for a short. For instance:
Who are uncle/cousin and why they are important and need to be killed or start a turf war.

Why Jin would do anything with someone who just tried to kill him? He would be more likely to agree if Jin and Mickey had engaged in some banter beforehand, established more of a relationship that may explain why Jin might even remotely consider agreeing. I know if someone had just tried to shoot me I wouldn't be going "yeah, lets go get some gold" I'd be "where's that bat".

You could also explain how Mickey conveniently has 2 epipens. Who carries 2 epipens? And why does he have an epipen in the first place?

Who is Roberto Carlos and why does Helena care?

2. This wouldn't be the cheapest script in the world to make, locations, props, actors etc would be quite $$$$ and while you can get funding/investors for a short, the amount this particular script would need to do it justice would most probably make it more advantageous for those parties if it was a feature, all those different avenues of distribution, you'd also be more likely to sell it IMHO.

Don't let the idea of a feature daunt you. I know some people say writing shorts is easier but I wouldn't agree. Just like the difference between a novel and a short story they are really different mediums in many ways and sometimes it is harder to write an good short then it is to write an engaging feature because you have less space and time to make the same impact.
 
Thanks Yeddi.

I agree with you 100%.

There is a lot going on and there does need to more detail or back-story, the problem with adding more info is that it will end up being too long for a short film.

Having said that i think you make a really good point about making Jin and Micky connect in some way, and i have some ideas for that. I don't really have a good reason for why Micky would have 2 Epipens, you got me there - good pickup!

I have already thought about making it a feature. In fact, the end of the short is really just the beginning. It's like stopping the film at the "inciting incident" in Act 1 of a feature length film. But that's what i wanted :)

Thanks again!

PJ.
 
I read a few pages, like what I read, nice visuals, nice characters. But FWIW, one thing I suggest (and easy thing to fix) is to go on an "-ing" hunt. You have many instances of passive verb tense that should be changed to active.

For example:
Jin is seen walking to...
(change above to)
Jin walks to...

No need for "is seen" because if the script has "Jin walks to" then "is seen" is implied since this is a script where everything is visual or sound.
 
Hi Randall,

I think i did it both ways throughout the script. But you're right, i need to get rid of the "ings' and "is seens".

Thanks for reading...

PJ.
 
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