Feedback on short idea

scoobysteve

scoobysteve

Member
Hi all, thinking of making my first short based on a couple (high school sweethearts) that are married and have an invite to a school reunion. shots of Porsche keys and early departures to get the best and highly visible parking space outside., then cutting to the greets and big boasts on how they have both achieved their lives leading to envious chatter from all they have spoken too, then head off home nice shot of Rolex on Stearing wheel of Porsche then Alarm wakes next morning and then the punch shot of said keys dropping back into the hands of the rental guy.

A play on how full of BS we all are when we meet up with old school friends. (BTW Rolex was fake)

comments anyone

Thanks
 
That sounds like a good element to a story, but not a story in and of itself. I agree, most people put on a front in these types of situations, but I would argue that normal people would not go to this extent just to make a strong impression. It doesn't really say that "we all" are full of BS, but instead that they are. The question is, why? Why would these two people go to this extent just to impress old friends? What are they hiding? What do they have to gain? Those are the details that can make the story interesting.

What you've explained thus far sounds like a commercial. It sounds like one of those "Things aren't always what they seem" commercials. I'm certain there is a company out there that uses this slogan with a format very similar to the way you told this story - I just can't remember which one.

Nevertheless, I think you have a solid base to build from, but by itself, the current concept is missing something.

Eric
 
i agree... definitely a strong base to build from... i know you didn't really get into much detail as far as the little things the short story might convey about your characters... maybe they're high-school sweethearts that both are dealing with a divorce... or just little "old school" habits you can portray better on screen... for example before they jump in the porche they do rock-paper-scissors to determine who will be driving... a closeness between your characters to help rip the twist out at the end... maybe while he's returning his porche he looks over and sees her returning her mercedes??

If you are more of a technical guy like me and are a better editor and director than a storyteller and just want to put something in the bag to help your portfolio... then i say greenlight... besides if it's your first you'll treat it like your baby and you'll learn a hell of a lot from it... do it bro!!! cause the longer you wait the longer t will take for you to have something to show for and the longer you'll have to wait for real world education. check out this site for some tips and tricks on do it yourself film making. http://rockfordimages.com


--mindzeye
 
Thanks guys for the feedback, yes I agree its a big effort to go to, for a reunion. You have given me an idea that the main character has won a porsche for a couple of days in and it falls on the reunion date and they think what the heck, lets show all those doubters a thing or 2.

The idea of rock-paper-sissors will give too many clues to the hook. I want people to think that they belong in this world until the end scene when the keys are dropped off and the last line tells all.

I have a kind offer from Adam C from Taormina Films to read the script and give me some feedback.

Will post his reactions, well providing they are not the sort that make me want to jump of the nearest bridge. lol
 
Maybe it would benefit from hanging the story on a specific event at the reunion - the meeting with the one particular man or woman (or both, for each main character) who they've been itching to impress all these years, and the payoff of the look-at-me-I'm-rich fraudery (or maybe it backfires).
 
basically there is no "story"... what happens? what do we learn?

1) couple drives to reunion
2) couple is at reunion
3) couple leaves reunion

and the ONLY thing that happens that resembles a story is that they rented the car. it will not work.

Why do they rent the car?? maybe there is a particular person at the reunion that they or one of them knows is going to be showboating so they want to one-up them? and maybe at the end they go through all the trouble of showign off and peoples reactions are "Who do they think they are, bringing their fancy cars acting all smug"

so maybe the fact that they show off does the opposite of what they wanted?

there has to be something else... as it is right now, unless it was about 30 seconds long, it would be boring to watch and at the end people would be like... "errr ... ok..."
 
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