Feedback on a script

ExtremeSleuth

ExtremeSleuth

Veteran
hey i was wondering if i could get some feedback on my newest script. i'm pretty happy with it, but i wanted to run it by people here to see if you can see something i can't. if interested in giving feedback, send me a PM with your email address and and i'll send you the script.
 
well obviously, but it wont stay in proper format, plus there's language in it that the censor will change, but i'll see what it looks like and then post later
 
FilmBoy77 said:
you should post it here. sounds like you could get a few different opinions rather than just one.
Click to expand...

I agree. If you post it here I'm willing to read through page 8. I'll even forsake counting the cover page as part of the read--I'm feeling charitable today because it's my birthday. But I won't be able to help you with the final page and a half...
 
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ZFarms said:
well obviously, but it wont stay in proper format, plus there's language in it that the censor will change, but i'll see what it looks like and then post later
Click to expand...
copy and paste example with curse words that are automatically filtered out by the website:

Code: 
EXT. THE BUGGY WHIP - WEYMOUTH - 1972 - LATER

  George and Barbara exit the restaurant.

                      GEORGE
            Are you sure you're okay?  You're pale.

                      BARBARA
            I feel like shi*.  Me and my frigging
            nosebleeds.

                      GEORGE
            I'm taking you to the doctor when we get
            home, and I don't want to hear any
            arguments.

                      BARBARA
            Would you be bummed out if I didn't go
            to Chicago with you?

                      GEORGE
            No, not at all.  Sure.  You're right.
            You fly home and get some rest.

                      BARBARA
            Nice first impression.  A nose bleed in
            front of your parents.

                      GEORGE
            Oh my G-d, how embarrassing were they?
            I wanted to shoot myself.

                      BARBARA
            Oh, they weren't that bad.  I mean, they
            were kind of cute.

                      GEORGE
            Promise me that we'll never be like
            them.  I don't want to wind up like
            that.

                      BARBARA
            Relax, baby.  We're going to wind up
            like us.
copy and paste your text inside of (code)(/code) brackets and replace the parethenticals with brackets like these [ ]
 
At the beginning, the way you set it up, I assumed Frank was from a mob family. So the twist at the end didn't seem like a twist. The ending was predictable also and not what I'd consider uplifting. Personally I don't usually like dark endings unless there is an exceptionally clever twist or an antagonist that had it coming to him. So I wasn't satisfied with the end--this is all subjective of course.

Also, some of the dialog is on the nose and none of them "sound" like mob types. I don['t suggest writing things like "Fogetta 'bout it". I hate that. Still, I didn't get that East Coast mob vibe from the language.

Also, why would Johnny have any reason to object to the payments? wasn't the deal 25% of the profits? There was no set amount he was obligated to pay.

Small thing, I'm pretty sure the name of the Bistro is Spanish, it should be Italian shouldn't it? Or was he serving Spanish cuisine?
 
first, i would ask yourself why you want to tell this story. do you have something to say about being betrayed by a family member? if so, there are better ways to do it than to dress it in italian american stereotypes. ask yourself if your story would be compelling without the gunplay, without the inherent violence of this genre, and without the twist. does the conflict or sense of urgency arise from the character's dilemna or from the devices you're layering on top of it? for example, if frank's dad and brother worked at a bank and were foreclosing on his restaurant, you could be illiciting drama from the characters' situation, rather than from an ineffectual (to an audience that's seen it all) threat of violence.

second, when you write dialogue, you'd do well to avoid that which is written expressly for the audience's benefit. lines like "wow. i finally did it." don't ring true to me. speakig as a person who does talk to himself, :) this is not realistic. would you say this aloud to yourself if you were alone? stay true to your characters.

third, remember the old adage, "show, don't tell". you open with a bunch of exposition that would be much more interesting to watch unfold as scenes in and of themselves.

and last, "the twist" doesn't change anything to the degree that it really matters at all other than to reveal the information you were witholding from the audience. it's a deceit that requires your characters to behave in an unnatural way -- to avoid acknowledging their familial ties. a twist works well when it changes the audience's understanding of events. here, it only functions as a "punch line" or "zinger".

two small things:
1. drop all those parentheticals. the emotions you are illustrating are the obvious choices an actor would make.
2. if it is an italian restaurant, try bistro alla luna -or- bistro della luna
 
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One thing I should mention is you do have something here, it's just the execution. The story is essentially about a young man who doesn't measure up to his father's expectations and is the proverbial second fiddle to an older brother. That's strong material. At the moment, the story seems to exist for the sake of the twist--a twist i at least saw coming a mile away. If the story moved toward a reconciliation or acceptance on the father's part of the son's desire to operate a restaurant, I would have liked it a lot better. That would feel real to me. This stuff about the father's goons assaulting and murdering his own flesh and blood rings completely false to me.

Another thing, there's a maxim in screenwriiting that you should get in and out of scenes a quickly as possible. Start them late, finish them early. In this, spirit, your story could begin with Frank and Johnny at the table discussing terms.

I think with some tinkering you could end up with lightning in a bottle.

Okay, I'm out of cliches, good luck with the script.
 
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is this a feature? if so, who is the main character if Frank gets killed in 9 pages?

the thing i kept thinking the whole time through was that Joey must've been a real scumbag to set his friend up with a mob captain that kills him after being short on 2 payments the third week the restaurant opens. that's bad businesss, he spends $250 grand to buy the property then kills the only person who can help him get a return on his investment?

also, i could've sworn Johnny called "The Boss" Skip? Reminded me immediately of Johnny Stacks and Tony from The Soprano's (Tony's friends call him Skip or Skipper and of course he's the boss too).

writing wise i'd say pay attention to your dialogue because a lot of the content was on the nose. a lot of the parenthtecals were distracting and could have been just as effective without being there. most decent actors will know how to interpret those lines given the situation they're in.

i agree about the ending. i didnt buy it as far as his father killing his own flesh and blood just because he couldnt be like his brother being as the mafia is all about 'the family.' i'd buy it more if there were something about Frank that the father just dispised or was disgusted about but i didnt get that vibe. he just kinda blew him off.

i think you could make some minor adjustments and get a good intro to a feature here if you develop it out some more and tighten up some of the loose story elements. if you haven't already, read Godfather I and II screenplays as well as Goodfellas and any other mobb classic films you can to get a sense of how they deliver their dialogue and action. then compare it to what you have done. i do this everytime to see if my stuff measures up.

good luck man! :thumbup:
 
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