Feedback/Notes on short screenplay

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vertigoanton

Active member
Hi everyone -

This is the first time I'm posting to ask for criticism of a short screenplay I've written. It's short - 4 pages and VERY little dialogue. To preface things, I'm going for a mood piece - something along the lines of In the Mood for Love or Last Life in the Universe, and the like.

I'd love to hear what you think of it - what works and what doesn't. Here's the link:

http://vertigopictures.com/scripts/BetterDays.pdf

Thank you!
 
Sorry Anton. Didn't see your post.

My first suggestion is, when the tickle fight moves to the other room, you should describe it better. Laughing, Jan runs into the living room, with Terrence hot on her heels. Then INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS The tickle fight resumes as they tumble to the couch, then to the floor, laughing giddily. Etc. Kill a few moments, then the smoke alarm can go off. Again, write the change of scene back into the kitchen.

Write the dialogue of the friend introducing the girl to Terence at the party. Don't just say "A friend introduces a girl." Then write the conversation between Terence and the girl.

You need to write a FADE OUT/IN scene change to indicate the passage of time as Terence and the girl talk.

Write the 'awkward but cute goodbye'. Then write the girl leaving, with Terence heaving a sigh. He turns to get his coat or something, and is surprised when the door opens and the girl walks back in. Don't just say "Cute Girls leaves but returns." Write the action -- it's important to do that.

Make sure to denote when a scene is a FLASHBACK. It's confusing otherwise. To me, anyway.

Show us the paper with the Cute Girl's phone number or address on it.

Don't just say "INT. APARTMENT". Apartments have several rooms. Be specific. Which room are we in?

"She invites him in." Write the words she says.

I see what you're going after with the ending, and it's a good idea. Just needs better development, I think. I was a little confused in spots, but I think it has potential. Draw it out a bit more. Let's see Terence dragging his luggage around his place, around the party, etc. That might help.

Good start!
 
Hi Chapel -

Thanks for the feedback - all very helpful notes. In re-reading, I realized I did take shortcuts in the action/description and I will definitely go back in and work on that.

Initially, I intended to limit the dialogue only to the flashback scenes (with Terence and Jan) and try to tell the 'real time' storyline as a silent film. Although I realize now that it may not be quite as accessible.

Also, I LOVED your note about Terence dragging the luggage around different places. This way, it's not so awkward when you see it later on in the story.

Really, REALLY appreciate the notes. Thanks again.

-anton
 
It sort of reminds me of Solaris or Eternal Sunshine. The moment where the remembrance ends is always an interesting downer. Happy one moment and sitting in a dazed silence the next.

I read it a couple times and I'm not sure I understand what happened at the end. Being a little opaque with a screenplay is alright but it's possible to over do it. It'll be interesting to see how clear it is on screen, visuals will certainly help.

Overall I liked it.
 
Thanks for the reply, Messenger. I definitely had Eternal Sunshine in mind when writing this piece. This piece is an exploration of the challenges - both internal and external - that a person would face after losing a loved one.

In Terence's moment of truth, he imagines that the Cute Girl would be turned off by his own personal "baggage". And as he leaves in defeat, he comes across a sign that he places on himself. It isn't until he sees the sign on himself that he finds the strength get back on the horse, so to speak.

I realize that the character is pretty much passive throughout the entire piece and especially when it comes to his epiphany. I've been told before that the protagonist should learn the lesson by taking action, rather than stumbling upon it (a la the broken TV). But then again, random events like this happen in real life, so maybe it works.

In thinking about the story again, though, I'm wondering if the appearance of the TV is just TOO random. There really isn't any imagery early on that foreshadows that a broken TV will be the one thing that turns the lightbulb on. Do you think that putting in a scene early on where Terence tinkers with a bunch of old electronics would make the ending more believable? Or do you think it would be TOO obvious?
 
Luggage = Metaphor = Cool

Luggage = Metaphor = Cool

After ChapelGroveFilms mentioned the luggage, I went wow…cool, so that's what that was about. You sould definitely bring it more to the forefront.
I really liked the post-it-note at the end. I was thinking when he stuck it on his shirt and then the elevator dings, I thought, wouldn’t be cool if the girl just snatches it off him like “you won’t be needing this anymore”, and then you had it written in there. Great ‘punctuation' at the end of the scene.

I could tell you had more story details still in your head than you had on paper. I have to watch myself in the same way. Cause when I re-read my early drafts I don’t always see what’s missing. I guess I’m filling in the blanks with stuff still in my head.

I think it will make a great finished film. I would suggest that you storyboard it all out in great detail. Because it is such a visual story, without a storyboard or shot list to keep you on track, you could easily miss important shots thinking that ‘you got it all’ and be left pulling your hair out at the editing phase. And don’t let anyone cut their hair until you know for sure you won’t need any pick up shots. Keep 'em on a short leash until you lock the edit in.

Good luck to ya!
 
You know, I re-read your script and it occurs to me you could do some interesting things.

First, I think if you worked on it, you could maybe eliminate ALL the dialogue. There would be laughing/giggling with the tickle fight, but otherwise let the characters' actions and expressions do the talking for them.

Moving on....as we said before, you could have Terrence dragging his 'baggage' virtually from the very beginning. Only in the flashbacks does he have no 'baggage' -- otherwise, he's dragging it around like a tremendous weight, in everything he does and everywhere he goes.

Then you can get him to the girl's apartment door. He's about to knock, but hesitates. He looks at all the 'baggage' he's laden with, and realizes what a pitiful specimen he is. So he drops the flowers on the floor and leaves.

In the lobby, he bumps into the shelf with the broken TV. Takes the post-it note and sticks it on himself. Gathers up his baggage and is about to leave when the ding from the elevator is heard. The girl steps off the elevator. She has no baggage, but she is carrying the flowers that Terrence dropped -- sniffing of them and smiling at the scent. She sees Terrence with his baggage. Walks up to him. Notices the post-it. She removes the post-it and sticks it on HERSELF. Then she takes some of Terrence's bags, and they leave together -- with her helping Terrence carrying his burden.

What do you think? Too hokey?
 
One other suggestion. I like the post-it note, but the wording on it seems a bit forced and contrived. Maybe something more common like "Damaged - Needs Repair"?
 
BTW, I do foresee one possible problem.....the screen displayed for the computer game. If you use a commercial video game, there are copyright/licensing issues with showing any screens from the game. You'd pretty much have to have some sort of custom-designed game simluation screen you could get the rights to. That might be tricky.

Instead of that, what about this..... Show Terrence and Jan in the park on a bright sunny day, throwing a Frisbee back and forth, laughing, smiling. A shot of Terrence throwing the Frisbee, then cut to seeing the Frisbee landing in the grass -- because Jan isn't there anymore. Terrence looks sad. He picks up his bags and walks away, leaving the Frisbee lying there in the grass.
 
Going back to the sound issue for a moment, I like what you said initially -- that there would only be dialog in the flashbacks. What if you take it a step further? Take ALL sound out of the present-day stuff -- then the sound and dialog in the flashbacks would be in stark contrast. And THEN the first sound heard in the present-day would be the DING of the elevator bell. You would continue with full sound from that moment on -- elevator door opening, the girl's footsteps as she gets off the elevator and walks up to Terrence, etc. And the only present-day dialog could be the girl motioning to the flowers and saying to Terrence, "Did you leave these for me?" He could just nod. Then do the bit with her taking the post-it off him, sticking it on herself, and picking up some of his bags, etc.

That might be kind of cool. :-)
 
Yeah, it's me again. :-)

At the party, instead of having a friend introduce the pretty girl to Terrence, what if she just comes up and sits down beside him? Like she's just as much out of place and disconnected there as he is? And maybe they don't talk. They look at each other -- a brief glance. Then Terrence (shy) looks away. She looks at his baggage, maybe even touching it gingerly.

Then do something to show time passes. Like they sit there without moving as the crowd of party guests begins disappearing little by little -- until there are only a few people left. Then a girlfriend comes to get the pretty girl, and she rises. She glances back at Terrence, then leaves -- going out the door. But a moment later, she comes back in and gives Terrence the note. She caresses one of his bags briefly, then leaves. Dismayed, Terrence opens the note and sees it's her phone number. He stares at the door in surprise.

End of scene.

What do you think?
 
JC Cocker said:
I would suggest that you storyboard it all out in great detail. Because it is such a visual story, without a storyboard or shot list to keep you on track, you could easily miss important shots thinking that ‘you got it all’ and be left pulling your hair out at the editing phase. And don’t let anyone cut their hair until you know for sure you won’t need any pick up shots. Keep 'em on a short leash until you lock the edit in.
Click to expand...

Yes, storyboarding would definitely be the next step for me. I actually wanted to start with the boards but I usually have to put it in a script to make sure the structure is on point.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
Then you can get him to the girl's apartment door. He's about to knock, but hesitates. He looks at all the 'baggage' he's laden with, and realizes what a pitiful specimen he is. So he drops the flowers on the floor and leaves.
Click to expand...

Ok, so this means I can cut the dream flash-forward scene of Terence entering the apartment. Since we've already established the luggage in the beginning, there's no need to take it this far. Plus, since we've only been flashing back, it might be weird to have a flash-forward.

And you know, I'm thinking the weight of the luggage should change throughout the script. Maybe it's really heavy at the beginning, then gets lighter at the point where he meets the Cute Girl, and then gets heavier again when he's at the apartment door. That might read pretty cool on screen.

chapelgrovefilms said:
Then she takes some of Terrence's bags, and they leave together -- with her helping Terrence carrying his burden.

What do you think? Too hokey?
Click to expand...

I kind of like this. It's a nice, sweet message - that a new love interest will help with issues from the past. I could always shoot two endings?
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
Going back to the sound issue for a moment, I like what you said initially -- that there would only be dialog in the flashbacks. What if you take it a step further? Take ALL sound out of the present-day stuff -- then the sound and dialog in the flashbacks would be in stark contrast. And THEN the first sound heard in the present-day would be the DING of the elevator bell. You would continue with full sound from that moment on -- elevator door opening, the girl's footsteps as she gets off the elevator and walks up to Terrence, etc. And the only present-day dialog could be the girl motioning to the flowers and saying to Terrence, "Did you leave these for me?" He could just nod. Then do the bit with her taking the post-it off him, sticking it on herself, and picking up some of his bags, etc.

That might be kind of cool. :-)
Click to expand...

I agree Chapel, I like the contrast of silence and then dialogue between present and past. The elevator DING is really the perfect place for the sound to come in during the present. In a way, it's during the part of the story where the past is reconciled.

And lastly, thanks so much for the notes. It's pretty cool that you're getting into the story as much as I am.
 
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