Pasi Rutanen
New member
I have a synopsis that i've been working on. I would like to hear some feedback if it's good enough to start writing a script around. It's intended to be a short 20 page script. Any suggestions are more than welcome.
feedback needed
- Thread starter Pasi Rutanen
- Start date
moonlitnite
Well-known member
Hi Pasi,
First off, I compliment you for helping us by providing us a one page synopsis; it's short enough I attached it below. It's difficult to wade through 20+ pages of dialog without any payback. You should get far better feedback - both the good and the constructive.
Candidly, the characters seem a bit mushy and the story lacks significant plot points. Yet this good news since you have little investment so far. Perhaps you could begin with a flash-back to Jorge's problems as a youth to get things going (maybe a gripping story about his father and how that influenced his development). As it is now, you'll have a difficult time transitioning to ACT II and ACT II certainly needs a crescendo.
The story about Jorge's friend Tony needs to materialize into something more significant; ditto for the woman with the purse. Eventually, you'll want each SCENE to develop the characters so ensure you have well defined major plot points that contribute to the story and the characters. Also, you need to intertwine the relationships of your characters. As it is now, you do not have strong antagonist roles or even powerful protagonists. Melancholy has it's place but try not to make it the center of the story (use it to reveal irony, constrasting beliefs, etc). Search for powerful emotions in your characters - struggles that will grip the audience.
Have you read Robert McKee's book, "Story"? Every aspiring screenwriter should read it, or listen to his associated audio CD, or both. Here's a very brief audio extract (of course, his works are copyrighted) illustrating what McKee would categorize as a typical failed screenplay - THE BAD STORY, PERSONAL SCRIPT (one told from the outside looking in):
http://www.bridgehands.com/Story.mp3
After reading your outline and listening to McKee's narrative, I believe you'll find McKee's works very helpful in your screenwriting career. Please check out his website here:
http://mckeestory.com/homepage.html
Warm Regards,
Michael
-----
Jorge is 25 years old and unemployed. He lives with his single mother in a small apartment in Sodertalje, Sweden. Instead of looking for a job he spends his days sitting on buses and walking around the city. Observing the surroundings and the people, just like a young boy sitting in a glass house looking out. This is his only joy in life.
He has one real friend, Tony, who’s a very social guy with strong political views and business plans, totally opposite from Jorge. When they hang out Tony stands for 99% of the talking.
During one of Jorges walks he finds a woman’s purse with a foreign ID card. He wants to do the right thing and return what he found. This triggers something inside Jorge as he gets some meaning to his life, a goal. He starts seeing glimpses of this woman that he is sure is the owner of the
purse, but somehow he always misses to catch her attention.
Jorge gets inspired to become a writer and write down the situations he witnesses by observing the surroundings. He writes and writes and writes. Finally, he applies for a job. He gets a call back from a publishing agency and goes there for an interview. Taken by this, Jorge goes out to buy new clothes, prepare himself and feeling better than ever before. During the interview everything seems to go well but for some reason Jorge gets rejected.
This makes Jorge devastated and he falls back to his old self. Depressed and unmotivated he gets on the bus home. Two guys who used to bully Jorge in school run into him and decide to push him around and kick him to the ground. Jorge has had enough and fights back but he gets beaten even harder this time. Bruised and down Jorge finds light in life again when he finally meets the woman he’s been looking for.
First off, I compliment you for helping us by providing us a one page synopsis; it's short enough I attached it below. It's difficult to wade through 20+ pages of dialog without any payback. You should get far better feedback - both the good and the constructive.
Candidly, the characters seem a bit mushy and the story lacks significant plot points. Yet this good news since you have little investment so far. Perhaps you could begin with a flash-back to Jorge's problems as a youth to get things going (maybe a gripping story about his father and how that influenced his development). As it is now, you'll have a difficult time transitioning to ACT II and ACT II certainly needs a crescendo.
The story about Jorge's friend Tony needs to materialize into something more significant; ditto for the woman with the purse. Eventually, you'll want each SCENE to develop the characters so ensure you have well defined major plot points that contribute to the story and the characters. Also, you need to intertwine the relationships of your characters. As it is now, you do not have strong antagonist roles or even powerful protagonists. Melancholy has it's place but try not to make it the center of the story (use it to reveal irony, constrasting beliefs, etc). Search for powerful emotions in your characters - struggles that will grip the audience.
Have you read Robert McKee's book, "Story"? Every aspiring screenwriter should read it, or listen to his associated audio CD, or both. Here's a very brief audio extract (of course, his works are copyrighted) illustrating what McKee would categorize as a typical failed screenplay - THE BAD STORY, PERSONAL SCRIPT (one told from the outside looking in):
http://www.bridgehands.com/Story.mp3
After reading your outline and listening to McKee's narrative, I believe you'll find McKee's works very helpful in your screenwriting career. Please check out his website here:
http://mckeestory.com/homepage.html
Warm Regards,
Michael
-----
Jorge is 25 years old and unemployed. He lives with his single mother in a small apartment in Sodertalje, Sweden. Instead of looking for a job he spends his days sitting on buses and walking around the city. Observing the surroundings and the people, just like a young boy sitting in a glass house looking out. This is his only joy in life.
He has one real friend, Tony, who’s a very social guy with strong political views and business plans, totally opposite from Jorge. When they hang out Tony stands for 99% of the talking.
During one of Jorges walks he finds a woman’s purse with a foreign ID card. He wants to do the right thing and return what he found. This triggers something inside Jorge as he gets some meaning to his life, a goal. He starts seeing glimpses of this woman that he is sure is the owner of the
purse, but somehow he always misses to catch her attention.
Jorge gets inspired to become a writer and write down the situations he witnesses by observing the surroundings. He writes and writes and writes. Finally, he applies for a job. He gets a call back from a publishing agency and goes there for an interview. Taken by this, Jorge goes out to buy new clothes, prepare himself and feeling better than ever before. During the interview everything seems to go well but for some reason Jorge gets rejected.
This makes Jorge devastated and he falls back to his old self. Depressed and unmotivated he gets on the bus home. Two guys who used to bully Jorge in school run into him and decide to push him around and kick him to the ground. Jorge has had enough and fights back but he gets beaten even harder this time. Bruised and down Jorge finds light in life again when he finally meets the woman he’s been looking for.
Last edited:
David W. Richardson
Chapelgrove Films
Nothing seems really unified here, to me. Everything seems disconnected. And the resolution is unclear. He meets the woman he's been looking for. So?? What happens?
I'm starting to think that screenwriters make the worst script analysts because we tend to interject how WE would have written it. That being said, here's what I would've done....
First, I'd want a reason why Jorge has zero motivation to get a job and try to find some happiness in his life. He's obviously given up, but I'd want to tell the audience why. I believe I'd write it that a former girlfriend sapped the life and ambition right out of him and left him an empty shell, a person who has given up on hoping for anything good to come into his life. That could be reinforced by his mom always putting him down, telling him he'll never amount to anything. (She was burned by Jorge's father, and takes it out on him.)
I don't see any purpose for the character of Tony, so I'd probably leave him out -- or else find a purpose for him.
At any rate, when Jorge finds the purse with the ID card, I'd have him mesmerized by the look on the face of the young woman in the picture -- maybe she has the same lost, haunted look he sees in his own eyes. Something about it compells him to drag himself up out of his doldrums and try to find the girl.
Everything else that happens from that point on revolves around him trying to find this girl.
I don't see any motivation for Jorge to finally decide to become a writer. Perhaps the purse contains the girl's journal, in which she has written down her most secret heartfelt thoughts and desires. Jorge could be so moved by this glimpse into another person's soul, that he takes up writing his own journal. But again, this needs to be motivated by what he found in the purse, and should connect somehow to his search for the girl.
Then maybe he finds the place where the girl works -- in the personnel department of the publishing agency. He tries to just go in and find her, but gets thrown out by security. So he spruces up and walks in pretending he's applying for a job, just so he can get into the personnel dept. He fills out the application and everything, but always just misses crossing paths with the girl. But surprisingly, it begins to look like he's got a real shot at getting a job with the company!
But next day he calls them, and learns he didn't get the job. He's crushed! Reverts back to his old self. Stops writing in his journal. Starts riding buses again, watching the world go by.
Then there's a knock at his door. It's the girl. Seems Jorge accidentally left HIS ID card at the employment office, and she tracked him down so she could return it to him.
Then what? Do they hit it off? Does he give her her purse and they go their separate ways? I don't know. It's YOUR story -- you decide.
See what I mean? Writers write. It's a bad habit. But maybe this has sparked some ideas for you. Or not.
Good luck!
I'm starting to think that screenwriters make the worst script analysts because we tend to interject how WE would have written it. That being said, here's what I would've done....
First, I'd want a reason why Jorge has zero motivation to get a job and try to find some happiness in his life. He's obviously given up, but I'd want to tell the audience why. I believe I'd write it that a former girlfriend sapped the life and ambition right out of him and left him an empty shell, a person who has given up on hoping for anything good to come into his life. That could be reinforced by his mom always putting him down, telling him he'll never amount to anything. (She was burned by Jorge's father, and takes it out on him.)
I don't see any purpose for the character of Tony, so I'd probably leave him out -- or else find a purpose for him.
At any rate, when Jorge finds the purse with the ID card, I'd have him mesmerized by the look on the face of the young woman in the picture -- maybe she has the same lost, haunted look he sees in his own eyes. Something about it compells him to drag himself up out of his doldrums and try to find the girl.
Everything else that happens from that point on revolves around him trying to find this girl.
I don't see any motivation for Jorge to finally decide to become a writer. Perhaps the purse contains the girl's journal, in which she has written down her most secret heartfelt thoughts and desires. Jorge could be so moved by this glimpse into another person's soul, that he takes up writing his own journal. But again, this needs to be motivated by what he found in the purse, and should connect somehow to his search for the girl.
Then maybe he finds the place where the girl works -- in the personnel department of the publishing agency. He tries to just go in and find her, but gets thrown out by security. So he spruces up and walks in pretending he's applying for a job, just so he can get into the personnel dept. He fills out the application and everything, but always just misses crossing paths with the girl. But surprisingly, it begins to look like he's got a real shot at getting a job with the company!
But next day he calls them, and learns he didn't get the job. He's crushed! Reverts back to his old self. Stops writing in his journal. Starts riding buses again, watching the world go by.
Then there's a knock at his door. It's the girl. Seems Jorge accidentally left HIS ID card at the employment office, and she tracked him down so she could return it to him.
Then what? Do they hit it off? Does he give her her purse and they go their separate ways? I don't know. It's YOUR story -- you decide.
See what I mean? Writers write. It's a bad habit. But maybe this has sparked some ideas for you. Or not.
Good luck!
Pasi Rutanen
New member
Thanks for the in-depth replies. "The characters seem a bit mushy and the story lacks significant plot points". I want this to be more of a character driven film and not much about plot points. Maybe i didn't put enough focus on the main character in the synopsis? Maybe it didn't come through that he is infact an introvert, un-social person.
"Nothing seems really unified here, to me. Everything seems disconnected. And the resolution is unclear. He meets the woman he's been looking for. So?? What happens?" I don't really have the ending written down at this moment, is it crucial to include all these details on a one-sheet synopsis? Considering if i want to go fishing for investors with this.
That is some interesting ideas you gave me, chapelgrovefilms, but this "clichéd hollywood" way is not really the direction i want to go with this, but more a "european arthouse/realist" style.
I have written a logline and i want to see if this clears some things up:
An introverted young man who lives with his single mother gets dragged into society by an incident that forces him to socialize and learn the importance of relations and true happiness.
"Nothing seems really unified here, to me. Everything seems disconnected. And the resolution is unclear. He meets the woman he's been looking for. So?? What happens?" I don't really have the ending written down at this moment, is it crucial to include all these details on a one-sheet synopsis? Considering if i want to go fishing for investors with this.
That is some interesting ideas you gave me, chapelgrovefilms, but this "clichéd hollywood" way is not really the direction i want to go with this, but more a "european arthouse/realist" style.
I have written a logline and i want to see if this clears some things up:
An introverted young man who lives with his single mother gets dragged into society by an incident that forces him to socialize and learn the importance of relations and true happiness.