Feedback for script I am working on...

Rylan Zolinski

Rylan Zolinski

Well-known member
At this point in time, I am trying to write a script for a short film from an idea I created about 2 years back. While I am writing it out, I am learning HOW to write it out at the same time. Anyways, read over what I have written so far and tell me how things are flowing.

FADE IN:
INT. BATHROOM
40’s-type gramophone music plays overtop the scene.
Opening shot of Fife washing his bloody hands and face in the bathroom sink.
The blood swirls with the water that empties into the drain.

FADE OUT

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Fife (22) is a skinny white male who is extremely unkempt; unshaven in days, hair like straw and dressed in rags.
Fife slowly makes his way to the refrigerator and opens it. Old meat and half-emptied jars of condiments is all that remains. Fife pulls the meat and mustard out and shuts the door. He grabs the loaf of stale bread from the top of the refrigerator and sets the 3 items on the kitchen counter-top. He pulls the mold from the bread and tears apart the edible pieces of meat. After applying the mustard to the bread from a dirty knife in the sink, he adds on the meat and top piece of bread to complete the sandwich. Fife makes his way to his workstation that sits in the center of the room. He plants himself into his chair, sets the sandwich down and turns on the desk lamp.

His eyes fixate on the telephone in front of him. A red flash appears from one of the functions of the phone to indicate a message has been left for him. Fife picks up the phone and dials into his message box.

WOMAN
Hi, it’s Gloria calling. I just wanted to let you know that you can swing by any time. I will be home all day. See you soon!

EXT. OUTSIDE - EVENING
Fife walks down the snow covered sidewalk with shovel dragging behind him. He eventually arrives at Gloria’s house.
Upon arriving, he makes his way to the doorstep. The exterior of the home is an older style, but quite beautiful. The owners of the household obviously have an above average income. Fife knocks on the door and Gloria answers.

GLORIA
Hi! Cold out there?

FIFE
A little...

GLORIA
Well, you can get started on the driveway. Once you finish that, you can shovel off the deck in the back. I’ll unlock the garage door so you can get through.

FIFE
Sounds good...

GLORIA
Will $25 be enough?

FIFE
That’s fine...

Fife begins shoveling in rows by starting at the top of the driveway and making his way down. Halfway through, he pulls off his mittens and breaths into his hands to warm them. He then completes the front by shoveling the walkway to the doorstep. Fife then makes his way to the back.

EXT. OUTSIDE/BACKYARD- EVENING
Fife begins to shovel the snow from the standing area that leads to the deck. Once completed, he starts on the deck and makes his way to the steps. He leaves the backyard and approaches the front door. A note is attached:

Had to run out and didn’t want to bother you! I left you money in the mailbox! Thanks!

Fife grabs the money and travels back home. On his way, he notices a crow perched upon a street light gazing at him.

INT. FIFES HOME - NIGHT
Fife walks in and places his shovel near the entrance. He takes off his clothing and walks to his fridge and opens it.
 
Honestly, it's kind of boring right now. But then again, it's only like the first page. You could probably cut the part where he actually shovels and just skip to the mailbox part. You could also cut the phone conversation and have him go to straight to Gloria's after he eats. It's hard to say much else w/o knowing where it's going.
 
NinjaVsPenguin said:
Honestly, it's kind of boring right now. But then again, it's only like the first page. You could probably cut the part where he actually shovels and just skip to the mailbox part. You could also cut the phone conversation and have him go to straight to Gloria's after he eats. It's hard to say much else w/o knowing where it's going.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I can imagine it might be boring without know what the film is really about. I have thought out the entire short film in my head and am now writing it out. The beginning is purposely slow paced, but even though it is, I guess I need to fix it to keep it more interesting. The theme and how everything fits in NEEDS a build up. I know what I am going for, I just need to approach it in the right direction.

Thanks for the input.
 
How bout you finish writing it and then post it so we can read it as a whole? Then we'd be able to provide you with better feedback.
 
A couple of quick suggestions...

First, I don't think it's correct to say Fife fixates his eyes on something. Fife fixates, his eyes don't. It's like saying 'His eyes stare...' It just doesn't feel quite right.

Second, in a single line you have Fife beginning to shovel the drive, then halfway through shoveling it. Do we see him do the entire shoveling process of that half of the drive? If so, then it needs to take up more space in the script, so the '1 page = 1 minute' rule will apply. If not, then we need to be made aware of the transition of time.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
A couple of quick suggestions...

First, I don't think it's correct to say Fife fixates his eyes on something. Fife fixates, his eyes don't. It's like saying 'His eyes stare...' It just doesn't feel quite right.

Second, in a single line you have Fife beginning to shovel the drive, then halfway through shoveling it. Do we see him do the entire shoveling process of that half of the drive? If so, then it needs to take up more space in the script, so the '1 page = 1 minute' rule will apply. If not, then we need to be made aware of the transition of time.
Click to expand...

How about, "the telephone attracts his eyes."

Also, I fixed the shoveling error. I stopped halfway through without noticing. I adjusted it to make it show that he does in fact finish it. Thanks for pointing it out.
 
Your writing is good and I am interested to see whats going to happen to Fife, seems like a down on his luck guy. Which you've conveyed nicely.

Sounds and music should be capitalized and also when a major character is first introduced. Describe Fife the first time we see him, the way it is now, you introduce him and the description comes in the next scene.

It reads a little slow. Too many lines to describe someone making a simple sandwich, thats too much, unless he's making it out of the next door neighbor :Drogar-Evil(DBG):
There is good info in the scene. The stale bread, the dirty knife. It gives us some insight into the character. Nice job.

You can automatically get rid of something like "shuts the door" to the fridge unless it carries some significance, we'll assume that he did.

Maybe something like...

Fife slowly makes his way to the refrigerator and opens it. Old meat and half-emptied jars of condiments is all that remains. He pulls out meat and mustard and sets them on the counter. He grabs a loaf of bread from the top of the fridge and a dirty knife from the sink. He tears some mold off the bread and completes his sandwich.

At this point Fife makes his way to the center of the room to his work station. Is his work station in the kitchen? If not then you need another scene heading.

No need to say stale bread, when he is going to pull mold from it. Its redundant. Look for anything you can condense or cut that will make it a quicker read.

Fife walks down the snow covered sidewalk with shovel dragging behind him.

In my head, I see Fife walking down a snow covered sidewalk and then I have to go back and add a shovel to the picture. Write the scene how it unfolds.

Try to get rid of your ING words, it usually mixes up tense and generally I find you can shorten things up a bit without the ING words.

Fife drags a shovel as he walks down the snow covered sidewalk.

There is no description of Gloria.

Try to get rid of the "begins" in your actions. This is something I was very guilty of myself. But there is no reason to put "he begins", unless maybe he is going to get stopped immediately after he begins.

Fife shovels the snow from the top of the driveway and works his way down.

Fife shovels the standing area that leads to the deck.

You're writing is good and I'm interested to see what's going to happen with Fife, why he had bloody hands and how Gloria fits into it.
You've done a good job of creating a character (Fife) that I can visualize.

I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
 
conlanforever said:
Your writing is good and I am interested to see whats going to happen to Fife, seems like a down on his luck guy. Which you've conveyed nicely.

Sounds and music should be capitalized and also when a major character is first introduced. Describe Fife the first time we see him, the way it is now, you introduce him and the description comes in the next scene.

It reads a little slow. Too many lines to describe someone making a simple sandwich, thats too much, unless he's making it out of the next door neighbor :Drogar-Evil(DBG):
There is good info in the scene. The stale bread, the dirty knife. It gives us some insight into the character. Nice job.

You can automatically get rid of something like "shuts the door" to the fridge unless it carries some significance, we'll assume that he did.

Maybe something like...

Fife slowly makes his way to the refrigerator and opens it. Old meat and half-emptied jars of condiments is all that remains. He pulls out meat and mustard and sets them on the counter. He grabs a loaf of bread from the top of the fridge and a dirty knife from the sink. He tears some mold off the bread and completes his sandwich.

At this point Fife makes his way to the center of the room to his work station. Is his work station in the kitchen? If not then you need another scene heading.

No need to say stale bread, when he is going to pull mold from it. Its redundant. Look for anything you can condense or cut that will make it a quicker read.

Fife walks down the snow covered sidewalk with shovel dragging behind him.

In my head, I see Fife walking down a snow covered sidewalk and then I have to go back and add a shovel to the picture. Write the scene how it unfolds.

Try to get rid of your ING words, it usually mixes up tense and generally I find you can shorten things up a bit without the ING words.

Fife drags a shovel as he walks down the snow covered sidewalk.

There is no description of Gloria.

Try to get rid of the "begins" in your actions. This is something I was very guilty of myself. But there is no reason to put "he begins", unless maybe he is going to get stopped immediately after he begins.

Fife shovels the snow from the top of the driveway and works his way down.

Fife shovels the standing area that leads to the deck.

You're writing is good and I'm interested to see what's going to happen with Fife, why he had bloody hands and how Gloria fits into it.
You've done a good job of creating a character (Fife) that I can visualize.

I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
Click to expand...

All great advice. I am beginning to revise what I have wrote so far. A quick question here. I first introduce Gloria over the telephone (you will only hear her voice and not actually see her). Do I give details on what she looks like now, or when Fife physically sees her in person?
 
The first time she is seen by the reader is when you should give her physical description.
Looking forward to the revision.
 
How do I write out a "flash forward" scene? It's first thing in the morning right now and my brain is having a hard time thinking. For example:

The very beginning of my script is actually NOT the beginning. I am referring to the bathroom scene. I am on my 5th page right now and the bathroom scene from the beginning is taking place again. How do I write that?

-Thanks
 
I'm not sure I understand this exactly. Are you saying that when we see the bathroom scene in the beginning that the scene actually takes place later in the script?

So the bathroom scene takes place on page 5 chronologically? We just get a peek at it, in the beginning?
 
conlanforever said:
I'm not sure I understand this exactly. Are you saying that when we see the bathroom scene in the beginning that the scene actually takes place later in the script?

So the bathroom scene takes place on page 5 chronologically? We just get a peek at it, in the beginning?
Click to expand...

Yeppers. It's how I planned on opening it. Almost like foreshadowing, but not.
 
Looks like my script will finish off at 8 pages. Since it's my first draft, revisions will be made soon. Once I complete that, I wouldn't mind getting someone to help revise my own revision. If someone is up for the task, I would greatly appreciate it.
 
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