David_M_Payne
Well-known member
DVX special: The Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box just $19.95 + S&H!
Well I was getting ready to buy Indiesnaps new Matte Box but I got to thinking about it and realized that a really smart guy like me could make my own, and since I am a smart guy like me, I decided to make one that would impress even Keifer Sutherland! (Or George Clooney or Kevin Smith or any other big or small time actor/actress/director/DP/AD/key grip/best boy/good looking chicks etc.) Now of course you guys know more about this movie biz equipment than I do, but I'm catching on. For example I now know that vinaigretteing is a problem that the Matte Box addresses. I must admit that I had no idea that vinaigrette was such a big problem as far as cameras and filming is concerned. I guess it could be quite messy if it got on your lens, but I still don't understand why it is so prevalent in the world of film. Heck, I like it on a nice salad of mixed greens with some ripe grape tomatoes and a few croutons, not the stale bread kind, but the ones made fresh for the salad, but I digress. I can see that vinaigrette really has no place in the world of film, salad yes, but not film. But I guess it's there and we have to deal with it and the Matte Box is the best way to go for this problem. Plus they make your camera look way cool. The Matte Box, not the vinaigrette.
Anyway as I was waiting for Mr. Sutherland or his agent to return the phone call I never made to them, I decided to put my considerable imagination to good use and invent the perfect Faux Matte Box! I named it in honor of Keifer as we all know that he don't work with no small time looking camera, no matter how good it is!
So,… damn, there he is doing the voice over on the Verizon commercial as I type this! What a smooth talker he is! I think I'm going to buy one of those phones just because he said so! Anyway, the first thing was the basic design criteria. Of prime importance to me was not having to take off the nice Leica lens hood, because well it says Leica and that says what a great lens you have on the camera! (Although unfortunately most good looking cool chicks don't understand the significance of that word.) So as I studied the problem it occurred to me that a high tech solution was scattered around my home studio! Yes you guys and good looking cool chicks, the answer was right in front of me, cardboard! So I cut out a pattern from this miracle material and taped it on, did some test shots and it worked pretty good in keeping the vinaigrette off the lens and to a lesser extent out of the camera! And you can add filters! Just use that really expensive clear scotch tape to tape them on the inside of the lens hood, and you can put on as many filters as you want. So much for those cheesy Matte Boxes that only let you put on a few filters!
But it didn't have the right look, so after looking at a few much more expensive designs I realized that it needed to be black. So I went down to the hardware store and bought a large can of flat black spray paint. Have you bought any spray paint lately! Man they keep it locked up and you have to show an ID and sign a form that says you promise not to use it to tag things with or use it for graffiti! Imagine them thinking that a guy my age would do such a thing! What, do I look like a gangbanger or tagger? Well that pissed me off, so when I got outside I tagged the sidewall of the hardware store and told everyone reading it how rude these guys are! That I'll teach them not to mess with me!
Anyway I got home and spray-painted the inside and outside of my Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box and boy it looked sharp! (I should have taken it off the camera first, but I cover that situation in the instruction manual now. Live and learn.) Attaching it to your camera is quick and easy, you just get some of that clear packing tape and tape that sucker to the lens hood, taking care not to cover up the Leica logo! If the Leica logo isn't important to you, you can use duct tape. Now of course another feature of my Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box is that you can customize it in any size you want! Need french flags? Make then as big or as small as you want! You are only limited by the amount of cardboard, spray paint and tape you have. Mine is about three foot wide by two foot tall and it has big dark red arrows on the inside pointing to the lens and a sign that says, "Yo Keifer stick your mug in here and show me some of those great acting chops"! (I figure that that will let him know that I have it together as far as my directing skills are concerned.)
Of course you, my customers don't need to use the same slogan I used. Clearly I hope to have Mr. Sutherland in my movie, so I put a sign in the Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box just for him that will let him know how much I admire his looks and acting skill! And lets not forget that great voice.
Now I must address the business part of this post. For just 19.95, plus 19.95 for handling and 19.95 for shipping you too can have your own Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box! Just e-mail me the money and I'll send you the complete set of plans for the Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box. Or you can send me cash, I prefer it all in nickels sent in a flimsy paper envelope with insufficient postage, addressed to David M Payne, Reno, Nevada, 89510. (You don't need more of an address than that, believe me I know because even though I've moved several times the damn Post Office always manages to find me and send me the bills I've been ducking.)
So there you have it, the perfect Matte Box and a great price to boot! The regular price was 19.99 but I've heavily discounted this unit for you, the loyal DVXuser.com members! You must act fast before one of the Mods sees this post and deletes it, or even worse sends it to the café! That John Houston Mod guy is the one who scares me, he is hell on wheels, and hopefully he won't notice this before I can rake in some cash from all the suckers…uh customers out there looking for an affordable Matte Box! (Did I mention that 10% of all sales go to the admins of DVXuser.com? So John, Barry, Jarred, take your finger off the delete key and step away from the keyboard or you don't get your cut.)
As a savvy businessman I want to add that my new business can be bought for a couple of million dollars, cash or Enron stock. Or I'll trade it lock stock and barrel for a couple of Indiesnaps HVX200 16X9 Matte Boxes, in case there are any pirates out there looking for a real steal of a deal.
Best, David
Well I was getting ready to buy Indiesnaps new Matte Box but I got to thinking about it and realized that a really smart guy like me could make my own, and since I am a smart guy like me, I decided to make one that would impress even Keifer Sutherland! (Or George Clooney or Kevin Smith or any other big or small time actor/actress/director/DP/AD/key grip/best boy/good looking chicks etc.) Now of course you guys know more about this movie biz equipment than I do, but I'm catching on. For example I now know that vinaigretteing is a problem that the Matte Box addresses. I must admit that I had no idea that vinaigrette was such a big problem as far as cameras and filming is concerned. I guess it could be quite messy if it got on your lens, but I still don't understand why it is so prevalent in the world of film. Heck, I like it on a nice salad of mixed greens with some ripe grape tomatoes and a few croutons, not the stale bread kind, but the ones made fresh for the salad, but I digress. I can see that vinaigrette really has no place in the world of film, salad yes, but not film. But I guess it's there and we have to deal with it and the Matte Box is the best way to go for this problem. Plus they make your camera look way cool. The Matte Box, not the vinaigrette.
Anyway as I was waiting for Mr. Sutherland or his agent to return the phone call I never made to them, I decided to put my considerable imagination to good use and invent the perfect Faux Matte Box! I named it in honor of Keifer as we all know that he don't work with no small time looking camera, no matter how good it is!
So,… damn, there he is doing the voice over on the Verizon commercial as I type this! What a smooth talker he is! I think I'm going to buy one of those phones just because he said so! Anyway, the first thing was the basic design criteria. Of prime importance to me was not having to take off the nice Leica lens hood, because well it says Leica and that says what a great lens you have on the camera! (Although unfortunately most good looking cool chicks don't understand the significance of that word.) So as I studied the problem it occurred to me that a high tech solution was scattered around my home studio! Yes you guys and good looking cool chicks, the answer was right in front of me, cardboard! So I cut out a pattern from this miracle material and taped it on, did some test shots and it worked pretty good in keeping the vinaigrette off the lens and to a lesser extent out of the camera! And you can add filters! Just use that really expensive clear scotch tape to tape them on the inside of the lens hood, and you can put on as many filters as you want. So much for those cheesy Matte Boxes that only let you put on a few filters!
But it didn't have the right look, so after looking at a few much more expensive designs I realized that it needed to be black. So I went down to the hardware store and bought a large can of flat black spray paint. Have you bought any spray paint lately! Man they keep it locked up and you have to show an ID and sign a form that says you promise not to use it to tag things with or use it for graffiti! Imagine them thinking that a guy my age would do such a thing! What, do I look like a gangbanger or tagger? Well that pissed me off, so when I got outside I tagged the sidewall of the hardware store and told everyone reading it how rude these guys are! That I'll teach them not to mess with me!
Anyway I got home and spray-painted the inside and outside of my Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box and boy it looked sharp! (I should have taken it off the camera first, but I cover that situation in the instruction manual now. Live and learn.) Attaching it to your camera is quick and easy, you just get some of that clear packing tape and tape that sucker to the lens hood, taking care not to cover up the Leica logo! If the Leica logo isn't important to you, you can use duct tape. Now of course another feature of my Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box is that you can customize it in any size you want! Need french flags? Make then as big or as small as you want! You are only limited by the amount of cardboard, spray paint and tape you have. Mine is about three foot wide by two foot tall and it has big dark red arrows on the inside pointing to the lens and a sign that says, "Yo Keifer stick your mug in here and show me some of those great acting chops"! (I figure that that will let him know that I have it together as far as my directing skills are concerned.)
Of course you, my customers don't need to use the same slogan I used. Clearly I hope to have Mr. Sutherland in my movie, so I put a sign in the Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box just for him that will let him know how much I admire his looks and acting skill! And lets not forget that great voice.
Now I must address the business part of this post. For just 19.95, plus 19.95 for handling and 19.95 for shipping you too can have your own Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box! Just e-mail me the money and I'll send you the complete set of plans for the Unauthorized Keifer Sutherland Signature Faux Matte Box. Or you can send me cash, I prefer it all in nickels sent in a flimsy paper envelope with insufficient postage, addressed to David M Payne, Reno, Nevada, 89510. (You don't need more of an address than that, believe me I know because even though I've moved several times the damn Post Office always manages to find me and send me the bills I've been ducking.)
So there you have it, the perfect Matte Box and a great price to boot! The regular price was 19.99 but I've heavily discounted this unit for you, the loyal DVXuser.com members! You must act fast before one of the Mods sees this post and deletes it, or even worse sends it to the café! That John Houston Mod guy is the one who scares me, he is hell on wheels, and hopefully he won't notice this before I can rake in some cash from all the suckers…uh customers out there looking for an affordable Matte Box! (Did I mention that 10% of all sales go to the admins of DVXuser.com? So John, Barry, Jarred, take your finger off the delete key and step away from the keyboard or you don't get your cut.)
As a savvy businessman I want to add that my new business can be bought for a couple of million dollars, cash or Enron stock. Or I'll trade it lock stock and barrel for a couple of Indiesnaps HVX200 16X9 Matte Boxes, in case there are any pirates out there looking for a real steal of a deal.
Best, David
