Doc Timidly Walks Into Room, Hat in Hand..........

Doc Bernard

Doc Bernard

Indie Arms Member
I have decided to try and write a script with no experience other than reading them. But I have had this idea for a Feature/Extended Short (Military/Action) burning in the back of my head for about a year now. Don't know if I will be able to shoot it myself (I'd like to) or see if it can be optioned/sold. Tried to find writers to closely work and collaborate with but haven't had any luck. It's hard to find a good writer for free to dedicate their valuable time writing my idea. Go figure. :laugh: And I wouldn't really expect anyone to either. I don't shoot or coordinate for free either.

So how does posting a script, at least in my case, a scene here work? I'd like a little feedback and get some critique on the flow. Of course, I know that the format is way off and will definitely need work. I always thought my dialog writing abilities were deficient as well. But I don't know now, this thing seems to be just oozing out of me (in a good sense).
 
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I read an interview with Diablo Cody not too long ago, she stated how she wrote Juno after having only read some scripts, so I suppose it is possible. Mortals like me on the other hand need lots of training, mentors, how-to books. But if the story is burning in your head then start writing. Consider at least structuring the story a bit before you type FADE IN. Take a look at Rob Tobin's book. And if you want feedback, you will likely get a better response if at a minimum you use screenwriting software (Celtx is free) to write your scenes, since the software will make sure the scenes are formatted properly in a way other screenwriters understand. ~randall
 
I was really wondering how posting a script here would work, but now that I have thought about it, I will wait until it's registered. Just need to protect myself. The feedback I am getting from my friends I know in the biz has floored me. I think I am on to something, which surprises the hell out of me. A number of corrections needed in the format, which I knew would be needed, and some critiques on character dev., but the story line is getting some real interest. May already have an experienced director and crew for it, on deferred basis, if I go that route. Wow! According to them, I sold it on the first three pages.

This is going to be epic. An indie action/drama film (if it doesn't get picked up) that will set the bar for the genre. Have a meeting set up with the Army next month, just based on the premise alone, for location support and maybe a bit of funding. Getting ready to delve into that maze of channels and approvals. Ick. But, Blackhawks, Bradleys, Humvees, etc. in an Indie? Just thinking about it.....well, without getting graphic, you know.

Again, you have no idea how surprised I am at how interested people are in this, from a guy who never thought he could write a script.

Sorry to have bothered. Disregard any and all references to above ideas. Asked for specific advise, got none. Life on the 'net.
PS: 15 pages and counting.
PSS: Celtx doesn't run right on my mac. Using a template for Word right now. Will get someone to convert and correct the format when the rough script is finished.
 
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Most screenwriting software can export to PDF which would preserve all the formatting. You can post an attached PDF of a scene(s) which should look nice in PDF format. [I thought in the original question you posted that you were asking about technical formatting (margins, use of sluglines, etc), not printing/posting formatting.] As you say, certainly protect the work with copyright registration before posting anything, especially since it sounds like you might be on to a really high concept storyline. Sounds exciting!

Doc Bernard said:
I was really wondering how posting a script here would work....
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Doc Bernard said:
I have decided to try and write a script with no experience other than reading them. But I have had this idea for a Feature/Extended Short (Military/Action) burning in the back of my head for about a year now. Don't know if I will be able to shoot it myself (I'd like to) or see if it can be optioned/sold. Tried to find writers to closely work and collaborate with but haven't had any luck. It's hard to find a good writer for free to dedicate their valuable time writing my idea. Go figure. :laugh: And I wouldn't really expect anyone to either. I don't shoot or coordinate for free either.

So how does posting a script, at least in my case, a scene here work? I'd like a little feedback and get some critique on the flow. Of course, I know that the format is way off and will definitely need work. I always thought my dialog writing abilities were deficient as well. But I don't know now, this thing seems to be just oozing out of me (in a good sense).
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www.zoetrope.com has a short script department, where short scripts, or in some cases a 'few scenes' from potential larger works, can be posted and reviews received.

www.triggerstreet.com only has a feature length script section, but does have a short film section... so, you can get reviews on your short subject film once it is made...

As for registry, if you are worried about this, the only valid registry is that of the US Copyright Office. There's an online submission and fee, but that is the only true way to protect your material. Registration with WGA may be 'nice', and may be used as evidence of your priority in publishing, but to obtain punative damages, one must register with the Copyright Office. (Those outside of the US can register there as well for full US protections, and should register in their own home country as well...)
 
Thanks for the input. I want to get the first 3 scenes written for this before I do anything. This is looking like a feature based on what I have written combined with the outline. Already 20 pages for the rough draft and still in first scene, possibly intro of second scene (it is moving very fast). The opening scene has a real dramatic vehicle for the story and ramps up the tension.

This is a intense experience, I found myself upset when one of my characters is injured. Maybe I am too deep right now.

On registration, does it need to be a final draft or can I register a rough and update the reg as I progress? I really want to have people look at this and give me feedback, to help me in direction, but I also know the film biz is pretty cutthroat (from experience) so I am going to protect my interests. A lot of this, I am pulling from personal experience or knowledge, so I am investing myself very deeply. But I also want it to have commercial value, a tight rope, I know. Personally, I would like to find funding to be able to direct it myself, but who knows how it will end up. Could very well just be something I wrote for the experience alone, but my gut says "No, this will be picked up and shot"
 
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Sad. So sad. I had to cut three pages of dialogue today. In looking at it, it distracted the direction I was going and it just wallowed there. Back down to 17 from 20 pages. But now establishing the transition between scenes 1 and 2 a little easier. It seems smooth, but once I am in a bit more, I will see how it works overall. What is weird is as I am writing this, and referring to my outline, I see other avenues the script can explore. But right now, I am sticking to the original direction even if it hurts.

Has anyone used flash-present/cut-to as a method, I am considering it, but I don't know how effective it will be. It might be just a distraction from the real story here.
 
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I am going to make this my update page.

Well, just entered into the maze that is otherwise known as "red tape" in order to interview the crews at the 247th Air Ambulance Squadron at Ft. Irwin. I want to make sure everything is accurate about the way they operate. Gotta call the PAO and discuss my plans, direction of the script, etc. I hope this won't get too intense. Note to self: Get a haircut and shave prior to meeting. Don't want to look like a "Hollywood-type".
 
This is killing me! I need some input on direction of the script. But, it's not finished, so I can't post it up yet. Let me try this, if you were watching a movie, would you want a larger, overall view, or a story that is a bit more intimate to the affected individuals? My script has hit a crossroads. The outline says one way, but I am seeing a much more detailed, personal direction this can go.

You seasoned scriptwriters may know how to deal with this, but I am frustrated right now. I see actually 3 or 4 ways to go. But 2 of them really stand out. I want to remain true to the outline, but...........

"Sorry-I-almost-gave-the-name" is destined to be a thing of legend. To those that have given me crap, ^&#$@ you. This is my project and I am going to see it through, one way or another.
 
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Doc Bernard said:
This is killing me! I need some input on direction of the script. But, it's not finished, so I can't post it up yet. Let me try this, if you were watching a movie, would you want a larger, overall view, or a story that is a bit more intimate to the affected individuals? My script has hit a crossroads. The outline says one way, but I am seeing a much more detailed, personal direction this can go.
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Difficult question to tackle in such a broad context. A larger view can lend greater scope to a story, helping provide a more "epic" feel. However, a story without strong character anchors is a story without heart. As an audience, we obviously need to care about your characters--love 'em or hate 'em--for the story to succeed.

Another good approach to this dilemma is to ask yourself: what is the theme of this story? If you know your theme, you should be able to navigate the many "what ifs" that pop up as the story unfolds in your mind.
 
I am 75 pages ahead of what your doing you better catch up hahah! good luck to you. Me and 3 other guys decided to try to break in by breaking the norm. Add some difficulty to it by getting a writing partner who is doing another script at the same time and keeps you on track give yourself 20 days for the first draft. We are almost done! Its a lot of fun when you go at something cold because failure doesn't hurt as bad.
 
Oh heck, have I been massaging this script this long??????????? I never realized it. I am only 21 pages in. I cut a ton of extraneous stuff. Was up to 65 pages, but I hated everything past these pages.

On the producing side of this (yeah jumping the gun) I know we can shoot this at Ft. Irwin.....at their Iraqi village, and have the US Army's full support. I talked to them, including the Helo Evac unit. That is if we keep it the direction I want to go.

Anyone interested in partnering? I know I am not a script writer, and that is plain to me. But I do have ideas and experience in this area.
 

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Hiya Doc! Long time, no talk. Good to see you're still working on this.

You've sure got a handle on the action. No doubt about that. Dialogue is sound. The big problem here is you've basically got a single scene that runs 20 minutes in length. Way, way, WAY too long! Heck, that's 20% of a movie right there. It's got to be cut, and cut hard.

First thing I'd do is chop the majority of Parson's voiceover. It's interesting, but pretty unnecessary. Show, don't tell. I liked your "phone call" example, but there's really not much need to go to such lengths to explain the military jargon. In fact, I don't think I'd explain it at all. People who would go to this kind of movie probably already understand most of it. Most of the rest will become clear as the story progresses. What little is left really isn't all that important.

If you were writing a book, this would be great stuff! With a script, you need to be a whole lot leaner.

Try writing the scene with absolutely no dialogue whatsoever. Then add in only the bare minimum of dialogue -- only that which is truly necessary to convey info to the audience. See what you get from that.

Really nice read though! Keep at it.
 
Doc Bernard said:
Anyone interested in partnering? I know I am not a script writer, and that is plain to me. But I do have ideas and experience in this area.
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I'm not volunteering... since I don't really consider myself to be a scriptwriter. I write because I can't really afford to pay a writer... and writing is cheaper than shooting...

But I'd recommend doing some 'short' scripts. I think many people take off trying to write a feature... only 90 pages... then get about 5-10, maybe even actually getting to 90... and find it is filled with more snow than a late term paper on bronze technology on European pre-history...

In addition, if you want to interest Real(tm) writers, probably a treatment is in order. That would be a 5 page description of the story, some briefs on the main characters.

And there's always the ever popular log line, the 25 words or less description of the film... ok, maybe sometimes more than 25 words...

As for soldiers and dialog...

------
[scrippet]
EXT. GREAT HALL - DAY

A SPARTAN stands before PHILIP OF MACADON in the great hall. Other greek leaders line the room.

PHILLIP
If I enter Laconia, I will raze Sparta to the ground.

SPARTAN
If.
[/scrippet]

------

Which is sort of modernized in the Battle of the Bulge, with General McAulliffe's famous one word response...


[scrippet]

INT. TENT - DAY

The command post is filled with soldiers. A Lieutenant hands McAuliffe the German Commander's message.

INSERT
To the U.S.A. Commander of the encircled town of Bastogne.

The fortune of war is changing. This time the U.S.A. forces in and near Bastogne have been encircled by strong German armored units. More German armored units have crossed the river Our near Ortheuville, have taken Marche and reached St. Hubert by passing through Hompre-Sibret-Tillet. Libramont is in German hands.

There is only one possibility to save the encircled U.S.A. troops from total annihilation: that is the honorable surrender of the encircled town. In order to think it over a term of two hours will be granted beginning with the presentation of this note.

If this proposal should be rejected one German Artillery Corps and six heavy A. A. Battalions are ready to annihilate the U.S.A. troops in and near Bastogne. The order for firing will be given immediately after this two hours term.

All the serious civilian losses caused by this artillery fire would not correspond with the well-known American humanity.
The German Commander.
END INSERT

MCAULIFFE
Nuts.
[/scrippet]
 
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