Divided Line, 7 pages, please read!!
- Thread starter Fahad
- Start date
Postmaster
Dark Side of the Camera
Being a writer and director - so a visual person , the images instantly popped up in my head, and I liked what I saw.
But I don´t get the end, sorry.
Frank
But I don´t get the end, sorry.
Frank
I think the writing is nice, I liked it. You could clean it up a little more though.
There is no ending. I don't need to see the bad guys again if you don't want to use them, and I would be OK with not finding out anything else about the muffled voice either if that's what you want. But I need to see something happen with Mr. X, or to Dave because of Mr. X. I would also expect the envelope to be opened, or at least lost.
What is your target length? Or was this the whole thing?
There is no ending. I don't need to see the bad guys again if you don't want to use them, and I would be OK with not finding out anything else about the muffled voice either if that's what you want. But I need to see something happen with Mr. X, or to Dave because of Mr. X. I would also expect the envelope to be opened, or at least lost.
What is your target length? Or was this the whole thing?
Lt_Col_Wade
Active member
I disagree, I don't think anything is missing in the end. I wouldn't look at this like ending at the climax, though, what you're doing is leaving it open ended, as the true journey is just starting - and thats just fine.
The way I read the story is that it's about Dave making a leap of faith - his decision to trust the Old Man and take Mr. X is the climax for me (coupled with the escape from the apartment) and the scene in the car afterwards is the falling action. I definitely don't mind that we don't get all the answers (who Mr. X is, what's in the envelope).
For this to work, though, I would like to get more from Dave's character. I would suggest getting to Dave just slightly quicker (perhaps cutting away from Mr. X sooner after he gets tossed out). Also, if there's some kind of telling action you could show him doing before he bumps into Mr. X, that'd be great. Basically you should be setting up that this is a hard decision for Dave to make (regardless of the craziness of the situation), but as it is now he very quickly trusts Mr. X, wants to help him and invites him into his house - so that next step of running off with him isn't as big a jump as if his reluctance to help was played up a more throughout. I really want to be with him when he's deciding whether to trust this crazy old man who barges into his house, but I don't feel like I'm quite there yet.
Some smaller, more technical notes - your writing style is nice and punchy, but at times it's a bit vague and there are a few places where it slips into passive tense. I would also remove some of the action lines of characters 'looking' at other characters or things - this works once in awhile but seemed a little overused here. Also, I didn't follow why Dave had to hotwire a car (or how he even knew how to do this - its awfully convenient if he did) - this is his house, doesn't he have his own car there?
Hope this helps - good luck!
The way I read the story is that it's about Dave making a leap of faith - his decision to trust the Old Man and take Mr. X is the climax for me (coupled with the escape from the apartment) and the scene in the car afterwards is the falling action. I definitely don't mind that we don't get all the answers (who Mr. X is, what's in the envelope).
For this to work, though, I would like to get more from Dave's character. I would suggest getting to Dave just slightly quicker (perhaps cutting away from Mr. X sooner after he gets tossed out). Also, if there's some kind of telling action you could show him doing before he bumps into Mr. X, that'd be great. Basically you should be setting up that this is a hard decision for Dave to make (regardless of the craziness of the situation), but as it is now he very quickly trusts Mr. X, wants to help him and invites him into his house - so that next step of running off with him isn't as big a jump as if his reluctance to help was played up a more throughout. I really want to be with him when he's deciding whether to trust this crazy old man who barges into his house, but I don't feel like I'm quite there yet.
Some smaller, more technical notes - your writing style is nice and punchy, but at times it's a bit vague and there are a few places where it slips into passive tense. I would also remove some of the action lines of characters 'looking' at other characters or things - this works once in awhile but seemed a little overused here. Also, I didn't follow why Dave had to hotwire a car (or how he even knew how to do this - its awfully convenient if he did) - this is his house, doesn't he have his own car there?
Hope this helps - good luck!
thanks a lot for the feedback, guys. i appreciate you taking the time.
and you're all right, there is no ending. i didn't know how to wrap it up.
it's supposed to be a short. but it doesn't have to be, i guess.
this is my second attempt at writing a script, and the second time i have cut it short without the ending.
where i think the story could go:
1) the envelope reveals that mr x is some kind of human experiment (which we assume the old man was involved in).
2) mr x and dave are connected by more than chance. maybe dave was part of the experiment too, but doesn't remember. maybe this will be revealed in a confrontation with the "muffed voice".
not sure, everything i think of would require at least 5-10 pages to wrap up the story.
anyway, share your thoughts if you have any
thanks again!
and you're all right, there is no ending. i didn't know how to wrap it up.
it's supposed to be a short. but it doesn't have to be, i guess.
this is my second attempt at writing a script, and the second time i have cut it short without the ending.
where i think the story could go:
1) the envelope reveals that mr x is some kind of human experiment (which we assume the old man was involved in).
2) mr x and dave are connected by more than chance. maybe dave was part of the experiment too, but doesn't remember. maybe this will be revealed in a confrontation with the "muffed voice".
not sure, everything i think of would require at least 5-10 pages to wrap up the story.
anyway, share your thoughts if you have any
thanks again!
Lt_Col_Wade,
thanks for that analysis, it really helps put things in perspective.
yeah i was thinking about Dave's back story too. i'm leaning to what you suggested (getting to Dave earlier), and to have some kind of context for him. and yeah, the hot-wiring is kinda convenient, i'll have to clean that up (maybe the context would justify it).
i'll clean up the grammar, too.
siraj,
no, i haven't read printed books on screenwriting; as i am a big fan of online resources.
what information i do have, i got from online articles and forums (such as this one).
this is an excellent website on screenwriting:
http://www.screenwriting.info/
a film script is basically a semi-standardized syntax to tell a movie-story that the industry uses to make production easier. and, information on how to write one correctly is easily findable online. not to mention software that makes it even easier. reading scripts available online is also useful to see examples of produced scripts. visit http://www.imsdb.com/ and search for a movie you like to see how it was written.
what i have concentrated on, as far as my research goes, is story; it's different structures, approaches, elements, etc.
the wikipedia article "screenwriting" has useful information.
and, if you want to get really philosophical about it, read Aristotle's Poetics.
i hope this helps!
thanks for that analysis, it really helps put things in perspective.
yeah i was thinking about Dave's back story too. i'm leaning to what you suggested (getting to Dave earlier), and to have some kind of context for him. and yeah, the hot-wiring is kinda convenient, i'll have to clean that up (maybe the context would justify it).
i'll clean up the grammar, too.
siraj,
no, i haven't read printed books on screenwriting; as i am a big fan of online resources.
what information i do have, i got from online articles and forums (such as this one).
this is an excellent website on screenwriting:
http://www.screenwriting.info/
a film script is basically a semi-standardized syntax to tell a movie-story that the industry uses to make production easier. and, information on how to write one correctly is easily findable online. not to mention software that makes it even easier. reading scripts available online is also useful to see examples of produced scripts. visit http://www.imsdb.com/ and search for a movie you like to see how it was written.
what i have concentrated on, as far as my research goes, is story; it's different structures, approaches, elements, etc.
the wikipedia article "screenwriting" has useful information.
and, if you want to get really philosophical about it, read Aristotle's Poetics.
i hope this helps!
I saw this possibility too, but as you point out there is some DAVE development missing, so I assumed that wasn't the intention.
Fahad, have you thought about seeing DAVE in the opening living an overly structured life, a monotonous existance? He could have everything perfectly laid out for his breakfast and other morning routines, bathroom, getting dressed, something completely unexpected but done in the same way.
The hot-wiring did feel a bit too convenient, so he could be some sort of geek. You could achieve the monotony/structure in an elaborately dressed room where he works on computers, electronics, etc. This could be worked in with your ideas (1 and 2).
I like the ideas. I'd say do it all! Then you can shave it down if you feel it needs to be simplified.
USLatin,
that's so funny! i was just thinking something similar.
this is what i came up with:
------------------------------------------
after the first conversation in the dark (voice w/ muffed voice), instead of going directly to mr x wondering aimlessly/confused, we cut to a scene of dave having lunch with a friend (or family member). in the conversation we learn dave:
1) a bit of a geek/tech kinda guy.
2) he hates his day-job.
3) he jokingly, but sort of seriously, tells his friend he wants a change, excitement.
as they talk, the friend reminds dave of what happened last time he wanted so called "change". they speak no more of it.
after that conversation, we have dave pull mr. x. away from the car.
------------------------------------------
great feedback!
that's so funny! i was just thinking something similar.
this is what i came up with:
------------------------------------------
after the first conversation in the dark (voice w/ muffed voice), instead of going directly to mr x wondering aimlessly/confused, we cut to a scene of dave having lunch with a friend (or family member). in the conversation we learn dave:
1) a bit of a geek/tech kinda guy.
2) he hates his day-job.
3) he jokingly, but sort of seriously, tells his friend he wants a change, excitement.
as they talk, the friend reminds dave of what happened last time he wanted so called "change". they speak no more of it.
after that conversation, we have dave pull mr. x. away from the car.
------------------------------------------
great feedback!
The reason I don't see it as Dave taking a "leap of faith" is because I feel that Dave is already that type of person. When he lets Mr X into his house without thinking 'wait a second, this... guy, who looks the way he does etc. followed me all the way home and now wants to enter my home?' So Dave, for me, does not DEVELOP into a person who would do something out of the ordinary. He remains the same throughout the story.
OK, it is strange enough to escape with some person because some other person said so... but then what? What happens next? If Dave has developed into somebody NEW shouldn't he have been different prior? But we don't know who he is prior to his meeting with Mr X. So my question to you Fahad is, WHO is Dave at the BEGINNING of the story, and WHO is he AT THE END?
OK, it is strange enough to escape with some person because some other person said so... but then what? What happens next? If Dave has developed into somebody NEW shouldn't he have been different prior? But we don't know who he is prior to his meeting with Mr X. So my question to you Fahad is, WHO is Dave at the BEGINNING of the story, and WHO is he AT THE END?
Lt_Col_Wade
Active member
I definitely agree with what Siraj pointed out - when I mentioned the leap of faith, it was more the potential that I saw the story having and pointing out something to concentrate on to give the story a full arc. His point is completely valid - at the start of the story Dave is already the type of person to unquestioningly help, which makes the climactic beat of will he or won't he take Mr. X less effective.
I would also question some of the character choices you've mentioned playing with. Remember, a bored person dying for excitement in their life who has excitement literally arrive on their doorstep is convenient, but a person who doesn't want that excitement at all, fights that excitement the whole way, but through the course of the story eventually changes and accepts the challenge of that excitement is drama.
Personally, I would also caution against adding too many pages to this story - I think it could be very effective at or around its current length and the downfall of too many shorts that try to do something like this is that there's too much telling and explaining the world in place of character development. In a short especially, no matter how interesting your world is, it's the characters that draw us in and make us care.
In terms of length and what is considered a short, I think most festivals put the cutoff for shorts categories at 30 min (though even longer than that can still be considered a short), but a lot of what screens now is 10 or under.
I would also question some of the character choices you've mentioned playing with. Remember, a bored person dying for excitement in their life who has excitement literally arrive on their doorstep is convenient, but a person who doesn't want that excitement at all, fights that excitement the whole way, but through the course of the story eventually changes and accepts the challenge of that excitement is drama.
Personally, I would also caution against adding too many pages to this story - I think it could be very effective at or around its current length and the downfall of too many shorts that try to do something like this is that there's too much telling and explaining the world in place of character development. In a short especially, no matter how interesting your world is, it's the characters that draw us in and make us care.
In terms of length and what is considered a short, I think most festivals put the cutoff for shorts categories at 30 min (though even longer than that can still be considered a short), but a lot of what screens now is 10 or under.
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great posts!
you're definitely right about the drama element for the protagonist. his reluctance will give his decision to "go along" with it "punchier", more dramatic.
it reminds me of:
the build up for Neo to take the redpill.
Dorothy was physically yanked from her "safe" and "normal" life to a fantasy world.
Alice fell into Wonderland.
all of them, though, kinda hinted at wanting a change. the drama though, is that: what change they did find, wasn't at all what they were expecting.
Luke, though, always wanted something more exciting than life on Tatooine. the murder of his family gave him the opportunity. it was the catalyst; point of no return.
i'm just thinking out loud....
you're definitely right about the drama element for the protagonist. his reluctance will give his decision to "go along" with it "punchier", more dramatic.
it reminds me of:
the build up for Neo to take the redpill.
Dorothy was physically yanked from her "safe" and "normal" life to a fantasy world.
Alice fell into Wonderland.
all of them, though, kinda hinted at wanting a change. the drama though, is that: what change they did find, wasn't at all what they were expecting.
Luke, though, always wanted something more exciting than life on Tatooine. the murder of his family gave him the opportunity. it was the catalyst; point of no return.
i'm just thinking out loud....