Dirty Rags and Shopping Bags

Tobias Deml

Tobias Deml

Member
Kurzfilm-Drehbuch: "Dirty Rags and Shopping Bags". Eine unübliche Verbindung.

"Dirty Rags and Shopping Bags" - short screenplay about an unusual connection between two completely different people. Written by Tobias Deml and Sharon McNerney, 2010. (as part of a screenwriting class assignment)
About five pages long.

I'd love to hear feedback from you guys, critics welcome :)

Picture-2.jpg



Tobias
 
All the dialogue was on the nose. I would find it much more effective and interesting if all the dialogue was removed. Its usually better to show rather than tell.
 
"By "on the nose", do you mean the dialogue is too obvious?" Yes. The characters are telling you exactly what they are thinking. Sometimes this is necessary but it is never very interesting for the actor or audience. Don't feel in a five page screenplay you have to have every detail spelled out crystal clear. Assume your audience is smart and can read between the lines and as long as you and the actors know whats going on the audience will go along for the ride. Writing a good short is hard. As an exercise you might want to imagine a couple of great actors playing these roles without saying a word. Can they make this story interesting? Will we be satisfied as an audience without knowing all the facts of the story? Get rid of all the dialogue that's getting in the way and you might have something interesting. Good luck.
 
Tobias Deml said:
Kurzfilm-Drehbuch: "Dirty Rags and Shopping Bags". Eine unübliche Verbindung.

"Dirty Rags and Shopping Bags" - short screenplay about an unusual connection between two completely different people. Written by Tobias Deml and Sharon McNerney, 2010. (as part of a screenwriting class assignment)
About five pages long.

I'd love to hear feedback from you guys, critics welcome :)
...



Tobias
Click to expand...

There are a couple of things. One is the mentioned 'on the nose dialog'. In addition, for me the 'I need you', to write a script, sounds too much like "Sunset Blvd"(1950).

As for the 'on the nose' dialog...

Code: 
ELIZABETH

Where did Henry go?  The homeless man who always sat there?

NEWSPAPER EMPLOYEE

You mean the one that left that dirty spot over there? He
used to be there every day. I don’t know. He came her 
....

Could be reduced down to:

Code: 
ELIZABETH

The homeless man, where did he go?


NEWSPAPER EMPLOYEE

Gone, talking about his ship.

(Technical note: "newspaper seller" would probably be more correct. or "newsstand guy"... newspaper employee doesn't sound right to me...)


As a note, while I'm sure there may be some script out there that uses 'stinky' for a description, to me since film is a 'visual+audio' experience, using words associated with the sense of smell, are 'lacking' visualization. So 'moth eaten clothes', 'grimy hands and face', etc. for a description work.

If you do want to give the visualization of 'stink', then have people respond to the 'stench' by describing their actions when confronted with 'stench'... 'turning away, waving their hand in front of their face', may be a bit cliched, but that would communicate the visual experience of stink.

Technical Note:
Code: 
HENRY

Hold on.  You look like your ankle is spranged.

Should be 'sprained'...

As for the final sequence. The 'script' doesn't work at all for me. There could be a number of reasons why the woman has grown attached to the homeless man, for example, it seems that there could be a psychological 'twist' where the woman 'needs' to give to the man, and with his leaving, she is left with no one to give to...
 
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