Dirty Money

Rylan Zolinski

Rylan Zolinski

Well-known member
Well, I just finished my first screenplay (short film) and also it being my first piece of writing, EVER. I am sure there are numerous mistakes, but I am just glad that I finished something I started. Sure, it might be horrible, but I am glad I finished it and look forward to making another one. With time, I am sure my skills will sharpen. If anyone wants to read it, here is a link:

http://www.2shared.com/file/3936890/8015bb8f/Dirty_Money.html

Look at the bottom right of the screen. It should say " Save file to your PC: click here."

It's pretty discreet.
 
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Hi Morox

There's some mistakes, but for a first piece they're minor. Remember the old frase: "show it, don't tell it". Sometimes you're describing his thoughts or mental state, but it has to come through in picture and dialogue to make sense for an audience.

Regarding the story: I think it's more mood than plot. That can be fine, but I think the moral in the end is a bit vague. Is it your point that it was okay he killed the guy because he was a criminal? I'm not sure that's what you want to tell, but it looks like it with this ending.

Also: It doesn't make sense that Fife is hired to kill a guy and is given 40.000$ to do it, but the man who hired him to do it still sends his own men to take care of the body. Why not kill him themself and save the money? He would be a weak link if somebody started digging in the case.

Just a few thoughts from a guy new to this forum - I hope you can use it.

I have to say that my aproach to screenwriting is for me to write it and somebody else to produce it, so I'm really focussed on the clarity in the script. If you produce it yourself that's not such a big problem, but your actors should still be able to read the script :-)
 
Very good for a first start. However, like most first starts, it's kind of simplistic, and kind of cliché. I don't know about everyone else, but when I see a movie that starts out about your average loser, I pretty much know something bigger is going to happen. You did a good job of adding suspense and mystery throughout, and adding a few new layers as the film went on, but the twist (he killed a criminal instead) was kind of sub-par compared to the rest, as we expect from previous events that he killed SOMEONE important. The thing that bothered me the most was that we didn't learn much about Fife. This is extremely difficult to do for any writer in an eight to ten minute film, as feature films allow about twenty minutes for preliminary character development ALONE. The inciting incident has to occur once we've really been sucked in. A few scenes added to the beginning would be great (maybe an extra character? Some of Fife's history?)
 
Nielsty said:
Hi Morox

There's some mistakes, but for a first piece they're minor. Remember the old frase: "show it, don't tell it". Sometimes you're describing his thoughts or mental state, but it has to come through in picture and dialogue to make sense for an audience.

Regarding the story: I think it's more mood than plot. That can be fine, but I think the moral in the end is a bit vague. Is it your point that it was okay he killed the guy because he was a criminal? I'm not sure that's what you want to tell, but it looks like it with this ending.

Also: It doesn't make sense that Fife is hired to kill a guy and is given 40.000$ to do it, but the man who hired him to do it still sends his own men to take care of the body. Why not kill him themself and save the money? He would be a weak link if somebody started digging in the case.

Just a few thoughts from a guy new to this forum - I hope you can use it.

I have to say that my aproach to screenwriting is for me to write it and somebody else to produce it, so I'm really focussed on the clarity in the script. If you produce it yourself that's not such a big problem, but your actors should still be able to read the script :-)
Click to expand...

It was originally written for myself; I planned on shooting it.

You make some good points. I wanted to add more but keep the script as short and sweet as I could. The reason the guys came and grabbed the body was to actually KNOW that Fife killed the guy and to bring it back to their leader as evidence (so he could clarify). They hired Fife so that in case something goes wrong, it's only him to blame. I guess I should have explained this in the script, haha.
 
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