Critique my zombie short script?

HBlack

HBlack

Underage Member
[FONT=&quot]Could anyone tell me how to put this in a text box so that the formatting is maintained? Also, it kinda loses its effect when people are saying "poo-poo"...

Any comments would be appreciated.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]INT. UNFINISHED BASEMENT - DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ETHAN is sitting against a wall, holding a severe bleeding neck wound with teary eyes. MIKE is standing next to him, holding a PISTOL to his head. SOPHIE sits against a wall across from them, crying and yelling with a baseball bat next to her. DAVID lies dead in the corner, with a bite wound on his arm, two bullet wounds to the torso and one to the head. ZOMBIES bang on the small basement windows, and the door behind a makeshift barricade involving a bookshelf and boards of wood.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]XCU of Ethan’s face. Zoom out to reveal the PISTOL held to his head.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Screaming and sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What the f*ck is wrong with you?![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE stares determinedly at ETHAN, while stepping back slowly.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He’s still alive you f*cking psychopath! You don’t murder-[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]A ZOMBIE SHATTERS the basement window and shoves his hand through. SOPHIE screams. MIKE flinches and FIRES the PISTOL into ETHAN’s head half-accidentally. Ethan slides to the floor, bleeding. [/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]F*ck.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE puts his hand to his head, and walks over into the corner to collect his thoughts.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Quietly, sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was still alive, Mike… We could have helped him…[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE walks towards SOPHIE.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](In a comforting manner)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Look, Sophie…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Get the f*ck away from me![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Sounding slightly more annoyed)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now listen, I know you’re upset but-[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Upset?! Of course I’m f*cking upset! You have just murdered two people.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh no, no, no, wait a second. Are you honestly trying to blame me for David?[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]In a flashback, ETHAN is seen sitting over DAVID’s dead body, which is lying relatively unharmed on the floor save for a bite wound on his arm. DAVID then gets up and bites into ETHAN’s neck. MIKE rapidly fumbles to get his PISTOL out of his holster with a horrified expression while SOPHIE screams.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE stares up at MIKE, her anger subsiding into sadness.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](In a convincing tone)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You knew what was going to happen to ETHAN just as well as I did.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE pauses momentarily.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Quietly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How are we going to get out of here?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Pauses, and turns away slightly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I don’t think it’s likely.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Panicked)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What do you mean you don’t think it’s likely?! So we’re just going to wait here until they f*cking break in and kill us?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]No, I mean we’re going to sit here and wait until help comes.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah, because that’s going to f*cking happen. Every other house in the city is probably dealing with this shi*.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Sarcastically)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, well then why don’t we just go out guns blazing with the f*cking… six shots I’ve got left in this thing, because we’ll be so much better off while we’re out there. I’ll go get you a chainsaw while we’re at it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE looks hurt, and is looking like she is going to cry as she loses conviction.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hey, I seem to remember someone saying that carrying two magazines was paranoid. How about that?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike, don’t…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Well it would appear I’ve got one mag on the floor, and a whole group of those poo pooers-[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE exhales, and calms down.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I’m sorry.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE looks over to the zombies at the window.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](To the zombies)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah, shut the f*ck up! f*cking zombies…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Quietly, and matter of factly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We’ve got to board up the windows.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Looks at the window, then back at her)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As much as I’d like to see the windows boarded up, I’m not doing it.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike, if you don’t do it-[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Have you seen those windows recently? You haven’t, have you?[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE has her head buried in her hands.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Why don’t you take a look up there and tell me if you f*cking want to board it up?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I can’t, Mike.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE sighs and walks over to a shelf, picking up some hearing protection. He holds them out to SOPHIE.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Here, take these and go to sleep.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE takes them, and looks up at him.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You’ve been up since what, three this morning? Get some rest.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE puts them on and closes her eyes. MIKE starts pacing.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE’s dream sequence. It is seen as if through a haze.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE, SOPHIE, DAVID and ETHAN sit on couches in a living room. They are all silent. ZOMBIES can be heard banging on the front door. MIKE holds his PISTOL, DAVID holds a folding knife and SOPHIE holds a baseball bat. ZOMBIES can be heard breaking through a large window. Everyone gets to their feet, and MIKE runs into the hall. He begins shooting, firing three shots.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Get into the basement![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]They run into the basement while MIKE continues shooting.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE (V.O.)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sophie, get up.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE shakes SOPHIE from her sleep. He looks panicked.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sophie. Get up. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Violent banging can be heard on the door behind the barricade. It sounds as if the wood is cracking.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I think the door’s starting to break.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE looks extremely worried and takes off her hearing protectors.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What?![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Trying to maintain his calm)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The door, is breaking.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE picks up her baseball bat, and stands up.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, f*ck. F*ck.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It’s fine. We’ll reinforce it. Just go grab that box of nails-[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The power goes out, plunging the room into pitch darkness. SOPHIE screams.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, F*CK![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Screaming and sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike! Oh god, no, where are you… (ranting)[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Extremely panicked, but trying to maintain calm)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sophie, calm down! It’s going to be fine! I’ve got a flashlight, we can just f*cking pile more shi* against this…[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE finds the FLASHLIGHT and shines it at the door. He starts getting a hammer and nails off the table.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Alright! Go get the wood and everything that’s over there-[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The ZOMBIES break through the door, and knock over the bookshelf to the floor. SOPHIE screams and cries hysterically. MIKE backs up quickly towards the back of the room. ZOMBIES can be seen staggering quickly in the room by the light of MIKE’s flashlight. Once MIKE is backed into a corner he starts shooting, with each shot illuminating the basement as the ZOMBIES get closer. On the sixth shot, the zombies are less than a meter away. MIKE runs out of ammunition, and the flashlight drops to the floor, illuminating the corner of the room. Screams of pain, and ZOMBIES eating MIKE and SOPHIE can be heard.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]THE END[/FONT]​
 
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You want honest opinion? If the answer is NO, STOP READING NOW.

Because this is going to hurt a bit.



...okay.

This is very hard to read. Formatting aside, it's very uninteresting, and the poo pooing lines, I know it's not your fault, but they draw more attention to the usage of language. In this manner, the swearing is even less dramatic and lowers the intelligence of the screenplay considerably.

That said, I would consider redesigning the characters and getting into their minds and addressing their concerns, their goals, their desires, etc. Short though it may be, I can't see why it wouldn't serve to develop the characters as fleshy as possible. The struggle isn't with the zombies, so to presume, because that's pretty cut and dry, but with everyone that's trying to survive them. How they're coping with it, where'd he get the gun, why are we in the worst-possible place for a final stand, etc. Do these guys even know each other, like long-time friends/family, coworkers trapped on the job, or are they total strangers caught up in a river of fate, doomed to die if they don't let go of their insecurities?

A lot of inconsistencies that could benefit from polish, and before then, making sure the foundation is strong. Sell the world! Make me suspend disbelief! Get me into this place, and you can carry it onward to whatever ending you find appropriate. It could be pink fluffy bunnies in green polkadotted tutus instead of zombies, and it's all well, so long as you can sell me this place.

That's all I'll say. Get into the story yourself, ride shotgun with these people, their world, and just record what's going on. You are the interpreter, a secretary taking diction on the actions and reactions of everyone in this place.
 
I think you're right, and I do have the back story in mind, but I'm having a hard time working it in without extending the length too much. It likely stems from my slightly lacking abilities as a writer, but I can't think of how to incorporate how they got to that position without making it seemed tacked on, as people don't tend to talk about events that previously occurred in a way that would make sense to an uninvolved party. I was hoping that leaving that ambiguous wouldn't harm the story too much, but I'll try to address it.

As for the gun, I was hoping it'd be obvious that he was licensed to carry one as he wears it in a holster, as well as his implying that Sophie has harassed him in the past about carrying multiple magazines for it.

What other inconsistencies did you notice? Please be as honest as possible, as I don't want to start on production without a solid script. Also, any advice on how to work in the backstory would be appreciated: They're a group of friends who are meeting at Mike's house over the weekend. Sophie works the overnight shift, which is why she has been up since 3 that morning. During their visit, the zombie outbreak occurred. David was bitten on his way into the house. It's not exactly an intriguing premise, but I suppose mentioning would help orient the viewer.

I think I'll try to work in a bit more conversation during the dream sequence to add to the context, but I'd like to hear any other ways I could do it.

It was also one of my goals to make the audience genuinely unsure as to whether they'll be able to survive once the power goes out (apart from the time bar giving it away), buy building a real hope of rescue. Possibly through the radio announcing that the police are organizing successful rescue operations in their area, giving the characters hope and the mindset that they only need to hold on for a bit longer.

EDIT: Also, editing out the "poo-poo"s to make it more readable. Hope that isn't against the rules.
 
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I don't have the background to give you sweeping suggestions but for what my $0.02 (less tax & exchange rate) might be worth:

I think you'll have a tough time selling a back-story in such a short script - I hope you aren't tied-down to that length, because you have a premise here that could, as has already been said, be fleshed-out to give us an attachment to the characters. Yes, we do need to feel that before we can feel sorry/glad that they got eaten in the end, and even the two dead characters seem like they serve no purpose (in theatre sports, where the main goal is to get a good story in a very short time, one golden rule is never to introduce a character/object/idea and then "shelve" it by moving on to other things. Same goes in a story as short as this; if you take time to introduce something, you'd better make good use of it!)

I'd suggest that you will need some flashbacks (ie don't rely just on one dream sequence) showing the characters getting to the current situation. If Mike is a cop, 2 seconds showing him getting off work, maybe changing out of uniform, or similar. Also, if he is, why would he ever listen to Sophie about what ammo to carry? If not, why would he carry it around in a holster on a daily basis? Something in a flashback should make us instantly get the picture without questioning it. Same flashback could show Sophie finishing work for the day, complaining about how night shift wears her nerves down, you know the kind of thing; help to set up why the zombies would just push her way over the edge later.

Above all, pick one protagonist, and one goal he/she is working on - kindergarten of story-writing. In this story the zombies are just the scene they find themselves in, so the goal must be getting sophie to agree to marriage, or resolve a conflict between him and Ethan, or something he can succeed at, amidst the backdrop of getting eaten by zombies.

Final, very minor point about the writing style - I like the dialog construction once things get started, but in the opening paragraph it was very distracting to read phrases like "MIKE is standing next to him, holding a PISTOL to his head" (whose head? his own? Too many he/his in there when there's two males) and "a severe bleeding neck wound with teary eyes" (chuckled at that one) or even "crying and yelling with a baseball bat" - just watch the placement of your conjunctions/prepositions there.

Hope that all kinda makes sense - writing isn't my 'thing' but I enjoyed the read, and thanks for sharing!

Dip
 
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Mike is a regular citizen with a concealed carry license, and Sophie is a friend who thinks that he's paranoid for getting one in the first place, and even moreso for carrying two magazines on a regular basis. If anyone can think of a way to eloquently convey this to the audience, please tell me.

I'm considering adding another flashback with something that will help bring the story together further. Also, I was thinking off Mike waking up Sophie for the reason that he hears sirens and gunshots. This will bring about the immediate prospect of rescue. It's then that the door will start to crack, and they'll be eaten as they frantically attempt to stay alive long enough for the police to get them out.

The introduction of the two dead characters is to contribute to the tension between Sophie and Mike. Starting off the story with Ethan being shot was intended to give an immediate conflict between the two main characters. I may cut out David (the one who's lying on the ground dead the whole time), as he does seem to be somewhat extraneous.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Please, mention anything else you didn't like, did like, or want to see changed to get me thinking.
 
[FONT=&quot]Version 2. Changed it quite a bit.


INT. UNFINISHED BASEMENT - DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ETHAN is sitting against a wall, holding a severe bleeding neck wound with teary eyes. MIKE is standing next to him, holding a PISTOL to his head. SOPHIE sits against a wall across from them, crying and yelling with a baseball bat next to her. DAVID lies dead in the corner, with a bite wound on his arm, two bullet wounds to the torso and one to the head. ZOMBIES bang on the small basement windows, and the door behind a makeshift barricade involving a bookshelf and boards of wood.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]XCU of Ethan’s face. Zoom out to reveal the PISTOL held to his head.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Screaming and sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What the f*ck is wrong with you?![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE stares determinedly at ETHAN, while stepping back slowly.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He’s still alive you f*cking psychopath! You don’t murder-[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]A ZOMBIE SHATTERS the basement window and shoves his hand through. SOPHIE screams. MIKE flinches and FIRES the PISTOL into ETHAN’s head half-accidentally. Ethan slides to the floor, bleeding. [/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]F*ck.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE puts his hand to his head, and walks over into the corner to collect his thoughts.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Quietly, sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was still alive, Mike… We could have helped him…[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE walks towards SOPHIE.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](In a comforting manner)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Look, Sophie…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Get the f*ck away from me![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Sounding slightly more annoyed)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now listen, I know you’re upset but-[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Upset?! Of course I’m f*cking upset! You have just murdered two people.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh no, no, no, wait a second. Are you honestly trying to blame me for David?[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]In a flashback, ETHAN is seen sitting over DAVID’s dead body, which is lying relatively unharmed on the floor save for a bite wound on his arm. DAVID then gets up and bites into ETHAN’s neck. MIKE rapidly fumbles to get his PISTOL out of his holster with a horrified expression while SOPHIE screams.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE stares up at MIKE, her anger subsiding into sadness.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](In a convincing tone)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You knew what was going to happen to ETHAN just as well as I did.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]
SOPHIE pauses momentarily.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Quietly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How are we going to get out of here?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]
MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Pauses, and turns away slightly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I don’t think it’s likely.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]
SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Panicked)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What do you mean you don’t think it’s likely?! So we’re just going to wait here until they f*cking break in and kill us?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]
MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
No, I mean we’re going to sit here and wait until help comes.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah, because that’s going to f*cking happen. Every other house in the city is probably dealing with this shi*.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Sarcastically)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, well then why don’t we just go out guns blazing with the f*cking… six shots I’ve got left in this thing, because we’ll be so much better off while we’re out there. I’ll go get you a chainsaw while we’re at it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE looks hurt, and is looking like she is going to cry as she loses conviction.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hey, I seem to remember someone saying that carrying two magazines was paranoid. How about that?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike, don’t…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Well it would appear I’ve got one mag on the floor, and a whole group of those f*ckers-[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE exhales, and calms down.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I’m sorry.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE looks over to the zombies at the window.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](To the zombies)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah, shut the f*ck up! f*cking zombies…[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Quietly, and matter of factly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We’ve got to board up the windows.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Looks at the window, then back at her)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As much as I’d like to see the windows boarded up, I’m not doing it.[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike, if you don’t do it-[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Have you seen those windows recently? You haven’t, have you?[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE has her head buried in her hands.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Why don’t you take a look up there and tell me if you f*cking want to board it up?[/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I can’t, Mike.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE sighs and walks over to a shelf, picking up some hearing protection. He holds them out to SOPHIE.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Here, take these and go to sleep.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE takes them, and looks up at him.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You’ve been up since what, three this morning? Get some rest.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE puts them on and closes her eyes. MIKE starts pacing.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Overexposed, slightly blurry, with muffled sound. (DREAMLIKE) The character’s voices are nearly inaudible. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE, ETHAN, DAVID and MIKE are leaving a coffee shop. As they exit, a man rides by quickly on a bicycle, looking over his shoulder with a panicked facial expression. The group looks at each other in a confused manner, but being unable to see what the biker was escaping from, they continue on. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]INT. BASEMENT – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE walks about the basement, trying to calm down while avoiding looking at the bodies on the floor. While making a concentrated effort not to look at the zombies putting their hands through the window, he walks over to the RADIO, turns it on and starts to dial through the stations.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]DREAMLIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The group walks down the sidewalk. Sophie looks over her shoulder. Less than a block away, she sees a slightly blood stained ZOMBIE sprinting towards them. Another one can be seen running towards them further in the distance. She wordlessly informs the others of its presence. The group looks at it, unsure as whether it’s running at them and unable to clearly see that something is wrong with it. It rapidly approaches, and as it becomes obvious that it is blood stained, vicious-looking and running towards them they begin to run away from it. [/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](MOUTHING, BARELY AUDIBLE)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Let’s just get to the house![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]The group runs towards the house, and as they turn the corner of the block they can see other ZOMBIES running towards them from other directions. As the get to the house, a ZOMBIE is very close to them and closing in quickly on DAVID as others move closer in the background.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]INT. BASEMENT – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE finds a news station on the RADIO and listens to it. [/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]RADIO ANNOUNCER (OVER RADIO)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Halton regional police are responding to numerous reports of what have been described by witnesses as “crazed individuals viciously attacking anyone in sight”. Residents are advised to stay indoors and avoid confrontations. Police Sergeant Shayne Bonner comments on the situation.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]POLICE OFFICER (OVER RADIO)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Although the cause and um, the severity of the attacks is yet to be discovered, we urge all citizens to stay in their home or another safe place in order to help police recognize and apprehend potential attackers. We’ve got every officer available on the streets, and we hope to rectify the situation-[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE – DAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As DAVID runs around the car in the driveway, a ZOMBIE LEAPS over the hood of the car, hitting it on the way over, and TACKLES DAVID into the garage. The ZOMBIE BITES into DAVID’s neck, as DAVID screams and attempts to punch the ZOMBIE off of him. MIKE sees this, and runs over to DAVID and the ZOMBIE. MIKE KICKS the ZOMBIE in the head, causing it to collide with the garage door and become slightly disoriented. He then grabs it by the hair and SMASHES its head against ground twice, as DAVID gets up while clutching his neck and shambles towards the house. MIKE runs over to DAVID and helps carry him into the house. ZOMBIES get closer to them in the background. MIKE attempts to unlock the door to his house.[/FONT]



​
 
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[FONT=&quot]INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MIKE is sitting in the corner by the door, eyes closed and pistol in hand. He attempts to tune out his surroundings. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]RADIO ANNOUNCER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]While the 911 system is still operational, it is currently flooded with calls. Citizens are urged not to dial 911 unless it is absolutely necessary so that the most urgent calls may be given priority. Military reserve units of Southern Ontario are being put into use in an attempt to isolate the affected area. All 400 series highways and major inter-city roads have been shut down, and people currently on those roads are advised to remain in their vehicles to facilitate military operations.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Quietly in the distance gunshots can be heard. MIKE opens his eyes, and stands. He looks up at the window, and can hear sirens. He gains a look of hope, and listens to the radio. [/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]RADIO ANNOUNCER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Once again, we must remind you that it is absolutely imperative that you remain in your homes. Police are currently performing rescue operations on homes in Oakville and the surrounding areas, and having as many citizens in their homes as possible will allow officers to clear the streets with greater prejudice. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]INT. DAY – MAIN FLOOR OF THE HOUSE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE frantically attempts to wrap a large cloth bandage around DAVID’s neck, while ETHAN sits on the couch next to them holding a baseball bat. ZOMBIES can be heard pounding on the windows and front door. MIKE walks quickly into the room holding a PISTOL. Off screen, the front bay window shatters and several zombies pour through it. [/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Get into the basement! [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]They run into the basement while MIKE continues shooting.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE [/FONT][FONT=&quot](V.O., muffled)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HELLP![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE is standing up in the basement, yelling out the window.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HELLP![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](confused, slightly drowsy)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What, is there someone out there?[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Listen.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE listens, and can hear the sirens and gunshots.[/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](hopeful)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]shi*, is that the police?[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah it is. [/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](sounding overjoyed, yet frantic to be rescued)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, shi*! HELP![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HELP WE’RE IN HERE![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Well what if they can’t hear us?[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Then they f*cking pass us by now don’t they?[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HELP!![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The POLICE start shooting at the ZOMBIES fighting to get through the window. They twitch as the bullets hit its back, but does not die as they cannot hit its head. Mike raises his pistol and shoots both ZOMBIES in the head. They lie limp and bleeding down the basement wall. The POLICE OFFICER runs over to the window while the other officers continue shooting. He cannot be seen behind the zombies.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]POLICE OFFICER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How many of you are there?![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE looks around to see the two bodies on the ground.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There’s two of us![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]POLICE OFFICER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Anyone injured?![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]No! We’re all fine![/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]POLICE OFFICER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Alright, hang in there! We’ll be in to get you out as soon as we can![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The POLICE OFFICER leaves the window. MIKE turns to SOPHIE, who is in tears of relief. She hugs him.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh f*ck, oh thank god, thank god…[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE looks back over to the window.[/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There’s a bunch of them down here![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE looks over at the window anticipating a response, and lets go of MIKE.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I don’t think they heard.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]No, but it’ll be fine. They’re going to clear the house first, I’m sure.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MIKE exhales in relief. Suddenly, the wood surrounding the door begins to crack from the ZOMBIES trying to break in from the other side.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, shi*…[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, oh no. Oh f*ck.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]SOPHIE starts panicking again. MIKE walks over and starts picking up a hammer and wood.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]No no, calm down, it’s going to be fine, we’ve just got to hold on until the cops get down here. Just go get that box of nails-[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]The power goes out, plunging the room into pitch darkness. SOPHIE screams.[/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Oh, F*CK![/FONT]
​
[FONT=&quot]
SOPHIE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Screaming and sobbing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Mike! Oh god, no, where are you… (ranting)[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Extremely panicked, but trying to maintain calm)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sophie, calm down! It’s going to be fine! [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Gunshots can be heard upstairs.[/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]See?! They’re coming, it’s okay! I’ve got a flashlight, we can just f*cking pile more shi* against this…[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE finds the FLASHLIGHT and shines it at the door, then back at SOPHIE.[/FONT]


​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There! Alright! [/FONT]

​
[FONT=&quot]MIKE[/FONT][FONT=&quot](to the police)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HURRY UP THEY’RE F*CKING BREAKING IN![/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]MIKE walks over to the back of the room to get the box of nails.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The ZOMBIES break through the door, and knock the bookshelf to the floor. SOPHIE screams and cries hysterically. MIKE starts shooting towards the door. ZOMBIES can be seen sprinting in the room by the light of MIKE’s flashlight. With each shot, the room illuminates as they zombies rapidly close in. MIKE gets out 4 shots before the zombies reach him. The flashlight drops to the floor, illuminating the corner of the room. Screams of pain, and ZOMBIES eating MIKE and SOPHIE can be heard.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]THE END[/FONT]
 
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Definitely an improvement- like the pieces fit together better. I think the tension-building is smoother; you get to see increasing levels of both desperation and hope for rescue, with first some doubt that anyone knows about their predicament, then doubt that the police are going to come at all, then doubt that they will be able to get there in time, etc.

She's still silly to be yelling with a baseball bat though. They never listen.

As far as story construction goes though, just trying to stay alive is a plot that might not be deep enough to get us emotionally involved. For a story this short, you can only get so much in, it's true, still I can see people telling you we need to see some personal story unfold to make us feel for the characters. To be a story about SOHPIE & MIKE instead of GIRL1 and BOY3 just might require a longer medium.

Textbook answer would be 28 Days Later, where the whole basic plot is just to survive, but the movie wouldn't mean anything to us if not for feeling sorry for the little girl, sympathizing with her well-meaning dad, being relieved when the woman softens up, then hating the military for inhumane treatment.

Oh, and since I didn't mention it before: visuallly (more my area) I love the suggestion of the black room being strobed by the light of the gun going off, seeing more zombies closing in at each strobe. Great choice of finish.

Dip
 
Read this outloud to a group...


Hey guys I have a movie idea. A bunch of zombies show up at this house. The people inside get eaten. The end. What do you think?


Thats your story. You can keep redressing it, maybe mix in an element or two. But the reality is you just have some people that get eaten in a box. Something has to happen, or try to happen. We have to relate and share in the common experience of what happens.

So figure out what happens. After that... show me what happens. (Yes words chosen carefully).
 
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