Critique my script so far...

[Rylan Zolinski]

I am working on another script. This time, however, there is quite a bit of dialogue (very unfamiliar with me). Could you read what I have so far and critique it? I have a story in my head with potential to turn out to be good. I just have to write it out properly. Here is a link to what I have so far:

http://www.2shared.com/file/3979123...Fine_Thief.html

By the way, here is a bit of cussing; just thought I would let you know as a warning.

 

[bandoftheland]

OK. The dialog needs to be snappier. The word poo poo should only be used when a character would use it in real life, and where it fits. It's fine if you say it a million, a billion, a trillion times, but not if it sounds awkward -- after all, when people watch a movie, it can be painful to hear "poo poo poo poo poo poo" in every sentence. It doesn't always slow down the dialog, but if you listen to it in your head -- the way it is here, it does. And you don't want slow dialog for a robbery scene. Make the pace of the dialog fit the pace of the action. Saying "You poo poo" after a long line of "Hands out of your poo pooing pockets you poo pooed with me before, and so on" is awkward. "You poo pooing poo poo" is acceptable (not in society, but in pacing), while "You poo pooing psycho" can also be awkward -- it's one extra syllable. Listen to it in your head -- see what happens.
Good luck. I'm intrigued to see what happens next.
edit: the language filter changed every curse in here to "poo". every time I say poo, it means "F***".