Critique 9 pages of feature script

F

Fahad

Veteran
Hi,

I've just finished 9 pages of a feature. I would appreciate if you'd give it a read and tell me what you thought.

The script is attached below.

This is my first script and I tried my best to follow technical requirements. I'd appreciate feedback on those.

Also, I'd like some feedback on the story. Is it good? Is it a rip-off? Is it an artistically cheap method of story telling?

I'd really like to hear your thoughts. I'm worried that it might be a direct rip-off of Back to the Future, The Terminator, 12 Monkey's, 1001 Arabian Nights (literature), and others.

My intentions were to present a science fiction story with a down to earth tone (cheaper to produce).

Also, I thought it would be interesting to present the story like a reenactment-type documentary show, with a twist: we are involved with the presenter's life (for some reason).


So, whaddya think?

Thanks

P.S. I don't know exactly where the story's headed.
 

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This is the kind of movie I like. It's a good read, and an interesting concept too.

In terms of technical details, I would stay away from scene numbers for now, and only stick to essential camera moves needed to tell the story. Once you get it done and are ready to shoot then go back and write the "shooting" script with all the camera direction, credits, music, sound.. etc. It will read better without all that junk there.

If you don't know where the story is going... well that's the real meat of it, so get cracking, you have a good start.

One critique- I thought the dialog with Mr Zara could be improved. Mr Zara especially, seems a little stiff or unrealistic to me.
 
Thanks for the feedback Tim, it's encouraging.

I think expanding on Mr. Zara's character will help me improve his dialog. Especially when his sitting down with Mr. Ess.

Thanks again.
 
I like it. When you say "single piece uniform", I think white clean room coveralls. If that's not what I'm supposed to be envisioning, give detail. It makes a difference as to what this man looks like as Mr Zara first sees him.

Tim might be right about Mr Zara's dialog, but it could work as is.

I LOVE good time lapses, but I'd be careful about jarring the audience. Could work, but just something I'd treat judiciously.

No real story to critique yet, but you'd have my interest up to this point. Has a good feel to it. Could develop nicely.

Good luck!
 
Thanks dufloorman.

You're right about the uniform. I changed it to "overall uniform".

Couldn't agree more about the timelapse, i'm hoping it could be done tastefully.

Although i don't know exactly where i'm going with this, i do have a vague idea... somehow what happens with Murphy is related to what's going on in the story of Mr. Zara and Mr. Ess. I'm not sure if it's a physical relation to the story or a metaphorical one (or both?). Also, and this is the twist, I'm hoping that by the end, Murphy will become apparent to us as the "unreliable narrator".
 
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