500lb Productions
Well-known member
http://www.fouturejeans.com/500LBS/ContestWeek1/entry_06.pdf
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Contest Week 1 Voting Entry 6
- Thread starter 500lb Productions
- Start date
500lb Productions
Well-known member
Lots of action, lots of chances to get great shots, and to build suspense.
Ok my honest feedback..........
There is incorrect spelling which threw me at the outset. I dont understand why this woman goes through this ordeal.... theres no illusion to a mental issue, so whats the motivation for dillusions? You action component was good. But the twist was its not real? Why?
The dialog is a bit unrealistic... woman sees a small girl then says: Oh my god... Little Girl. Hello? I have a cell
phone...
We already knows shes a little girl. If the dialoge says nothing knew or doesnt add to the drama ........... CUT.
How about... you alright do you need to make a call?
"Her feed POUND" why caps on the POUND?
You elude to CU's etc but your a writer in this capacity not a director. The shot composition comes from the direcor not the writer. Not saying you will never see this but usually when writer and director are same.
There is incorrect spelling which threw me at the outset. I dont understand why this woman goes through this ordeal.... theres no illusion to a mental issue, so whats the motivation for dillusions? You action component was good. But the twist was its not real? Why?
The dialog is a bit unrealistic... woman sees a small girl then says: Oh my god... Little Girl. Hello? I have a cell
phone...
We already knows shes a little girl. If the dialoge says nothing knew or doesnt add to the drama ........... CUT.
How about... you alright do you need to make a call?
"Her feed POUND" why caps on the POUND?
You elude to CU's etc but your a writer in this capacity not a director. The shot composition comes from the direcor not the writer. Not saying you will never see this but usually when writer and director are same.
mrblue1022
Well-known member
Let It Be seems like an odd song to find a rhythm to get in the zone with while jogging. The tempo seems to moderate to me. In fact, the song itself doesn’t make sense to me in the context of the story. I think the story itself is okay. Lots of action that would be fun to shoot,
cmsattler27
New member
Thanks for the feedback. Honestly, I agree with the dialogue. In fact I entered the contest at the last minute and had 90 minutes to write it. So I really can use a rewrite and a spell check.
It doesn't matter why she goes through the ordeal. She just does. Why do I have to explain her whole life story? Who cares in a short film. Maybe a longer film would have another scene that might explain this. But for the purposes of suspense -- why explain anything?
Yes I elude to shots -- that's the point I think. If you as a director read the script and can see shots without me telling you outright to cut to a closeup -- that's great. You don't have to cut to a close up. I didn't tell you composition, or timing of the shot. I didn't suggest lighting or angle. That is a director's job. However the screenwriter's job is to make people interested and excited about making the film.
Also the caps on sound fx: I was taught that SOUNDS are capitilized. But I also hate when the screenplay says SOUND FX: FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK. That seems to take you right out of the action. It doesn't read as nicely. Again that's the relm of the sound designer. As a screenwriter, I'm only suggesting sound -- again to get a director or soundman interested in what can be done.
I agree also with the next reader's view on the "let it be" song -- I had to come up with the title somehow, that's what came to mind. I was going to do something else with that song, but I just went with the flow.
It doesn't matter why she goes through the ordeal. She just does. Why do I have to explain her whole life story? Who cares in a short film. Maybe a longer film would have another scene that might explain this. But for the purposes of suspense -- why explain anything?
Yes I elude to shots -- that's the point I think. If you as a director read the script and can see shots without me telling you outright to cut to a closeup -- that's great. You don't have to cut to a close up. I didn't tell you composition, or timing of the shot. I didn't suggest lighting or angle. That is a director's job. However the screenwriter's job is to make people interested and excited about making the film.
Also the caps on sound fx: I was taught that SOUNDS are capitilized. But I also hate when the screenplay says SOUND FX: FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK. That seems to take you right out of the action. It doesn't read as nicely. Again that's the relm of the sound designer. As a screenwriter, I'm only suggesting sound -- again to get a director or soundman interested in what can be done.
I agree also with the next reader's view on the "let it be" song -- I had to come up with the title somehow, that's what came to mind. I was going to do something else with that song, but I just went with the flow.
jpsheets
Well-known member
Really interesting stuff here, very visual and I can see a directing this and getting some great shots.
Storywise you've got some problems, I don't see a definite beginning, middle and end. A short film should be a short story and really tell something, but there's really no story here. I hope this doesn't come off as negative, just trying to give constructive criticism. But kudos in writting this in 90 minutes.
cheers,
JP
Storywise you've got some problems, I don't see a definite beginning, middle and end. A short film should be a short story and really tell something, but there's really no story here. I hope this doesn't come off as negative, just trying to give constructive criticism. But kudos in writting this in 90 minutes.
cheers,
JP
Hey anyway this is just my opinion, I dont put any emotion in to it so please dont take anything I say personally.
I still disagree here. These are in fact compositional elements. Which is fine if your directing this yourself. Its subjective anyway..... read 100 scrripts and some do, some dont.
I didnt mention her life story. I just felt the point to her ordeal was missing. I didnt take anything away from it. At the end I just had questions and none were answered. It came of like she had some ESP when she did in fact see the dog, but then her ESP was wrong.
See my opinion of this is, as a screenwriter your job is one, to write a compelling story regardless of genre, disregarding what you want a director or sound eng to think are possible suggestions.
Anyway mate.... didnt realise this was the 90 minute entry so on that you did a good job in a short time. It's a shame you didnt get to use more time.
I still disagree here. These are in fact compositional elements. Which is fine if your directing this yourself. Its subjective anyway..... read 100 scrripts and some do, some dont.
I didnt mention her life story. I just felt the point to her ordeal was missing. I didnt take anything away from it. At the end I just had questions and none were answered. It came of like she had some ESP when she did in fact see the dog, but then her ESP was wrong.
See my opinion of this is, as a screenwriter your job is one, to write a compelling story regardless of genre, disregarding what you want a director or sound eng to think are possible suggestions.
Anyway mate.... didnt realise this was the 90 minute entry so on that you did a good job in a short time. It's a shame you didnt get to use more time.