500lb Productions
Well-known member
http://www.fouturejeans.com/500LBS/ContestWeek1/entry_05.pdf
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Contest Week 1 Voting Entry 5
- Thread starter 500lb Productions
- Start date
500lb Productions
Well-known member
Another one that would be fun to shoot.
Great job of being explicit enough to tell the story, yet open enough to allow some interpretation.
After reading the setup, I was a little dissapointed by the source of the conflict. Hitlers sequel just... it felt forced to me.
Great job of being explicit enough to tell the story, yet open enough to allow some interpretation.
After reading the setup, I was a little dissapointed by the source of the conflict. Hitlers sequel just... it felt forced to me.
Is Darnell his first or last name? If last and older woman would say Mr?
"DARNELL
(Interrupting)
Spare me.
"
Interupting? she said her full line. Dialogue in this is obviously stated....
She is defiant then says please hear me out.... its like an opposite to her character position.
"DARNELL
No more games grandma. Give me the
book.
Mrs. Tuttelbaum tightens her grip on the box. Darnell points
to her face.
DARNELL (CONT'D)
I can do worse."
He points to her face... but does he threaten her? He has no idea whats in store... hes a skinhead he doesnt need to play the grandaughter card...... cant he just smash her and take what he wants? Im confused here..... he is a tentative skinhead?
Possibly the most important document to the white supremist nation and the only one who knows is a ......... nothing - 20 something year old skinhead and an ex ww2 vets wife who stole it? Why did he take it? Was he a man who even knew or understood it s meaning?
Sorry but when history is involved the reality is there has to be some resemblance to fact .... even inaccurate.
Was struggling with the whole line about the grandaughter... he has no need for this hes a skinhead ... shes a grandma.
Did she mention this? And if its implied before this event he would be more cautious ... no?
Just unbelievable to me.. based on characters and importance... Darnell says ZIP IT? a skinhead? why not... shut the F*$* up
"DARNELL
(Interrupting)
Spare me.
"
Interupting? she said her full line. Dialogue in this is obviously stated....
She is defiant then says please hear me out.... its like an opposite to her character position.
"DARNELL
No more games grandma. Give me the
book.
Mrs. Tuttelbaum tightens her grip on the box. Darnell points
to her face.
DARNELL (CONT'D)
I can do worse."
He points to her face... but does he threaten her? He has no idea whats in store... hes a skinhead he doesnt need to play the grandaughter card...... cant he just smash her and take what he wants? Im confused here..... he is a tentative skinhead?
Possibly the most important document to the white supremist nation and the only one who knows is a ......... nothing - 20 something year old skinhead and an ex ww2 vets wife who stole it? Why did he take it? Was he a man who even knew or understood it s meaning?
Sorry but when history is involved the reality is there has to be some resemblance to fact .... even inaccurate.
Was struggling with the whole line about the grandaughter... he has no need for this hes a skinhead ... shes a grandma.
Did she mention this? And if its implied before this event he would be more cautious ... no?
Just unbelievable to me.. based on characters and importance... Darnell says ZIP IT? a skinhead? why not... shut the F*$* up
mrblue1022
Well-known member
Definitely an interesting piece. Nice set up and pay off with the bomb, although I think it would be more interesting if the gold watch that Darryl leaves behind is actually the remote detonator. It creates more of sense that her husband had planned for something like this happening, but that’s just my two cents. Great job though, would definitely be fun to shoot.
jpsheets
Well-known member
Rockin' 86 year old
Rockin' 86 year old
I really liked this! Totally cool that an 86 year old lady gets to blow someone up! Speaking of which, I really would like to see Mrs. T be tougher. I'd like to see her blow up the skinhead and not blink an eye, maybe even a slight smile at the end.
You took a real chance with Hitler thing, and it could really work. Right now it comes across as a little farfetched so I'm not sure how it could be done. Maybe make Darnell some right wing history professor guy. That would be more believable that he would know about Hitler's notes. Just my 2 cents.
Structurally, I thought it was a tad wordy, you could probably cut down on the dialogue a bit and simply describe the action. But other than that, I thought it rocked.
Rockin' 86 year old
I really liked this! Totally cool that an 86 year old lady gets to blow someone up! Speaking of which, I really would like to see Mrs. T be tougher. I'd like to see her blow up the skinhead and not blink an eye, maybe even a slight smile at the end.
You took a real chance with Hitler thing, and it could really work. Right now it comes across as a little farfetched so I'm not sure how it could be done. Maybe make Darnell some right wing history professor guy. That would be more believable that he would know about Hitler's notes. Just my 2 cents.
Structurally, I thought it was a tad wordy, you could probably cut down on the dialogue a bit and simply describe the action. But other than that, I thought it rocked.