500lb Productions
Well-known member
http://www.fouturejeans.com/500LBS/ContestWeek1/entry_03.rtf
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Contest Week 1 Voting Entry 3
- Thread starter 500lb Productions
- Start date
Ok honest feedback.............
Mentoned this before... your a screenwriter in this capacity... panning etc are words of a director..... somtimes in a final draft but when screenwriter /director are same. As are fade in and fade outs.
I LOVED your descriptions, really felt i could touch what you were describing.
"Conflict Between POV Character and Other Character" where was it?
Sorry but not enough drama to make this interesting enough.... your idea was genious but it never went anwhere.
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Mentoned this before... your a screenwriter in this capacity... panning etc are words of a director..... somtimes in a final draft but when screenwriter /director are same. As are fade in and fade outs.
I LOVED your descriptions, really felt i could touch what you were describing.
"Conflict Between POV Character and Other Character" where was it?
Sorry but not enough drama to make this interesting enough.... your idea was genious but it never went anwhere.
__________________
mrblue1022
Well-known member
An interesting little piece. It does a good job of setting up these characters and provides a refreshing ending that is definitely not what you would expect from the set-up but still makes sense. Nicely done.
jpsheets
Well-known member
Structurally it's fine, an easy read. But... I don't get it. Where's the story? You should have a beginning middle and end. A woman gets on a train and reads a story beside a guy. Not interesting on the page and it would be boring on the screen. Sorry, not trying to be mean, just trying to offer some constructive criticism.
JP
JP
jpsheets said:
Yeah, I didn't get it either. Was the man lamenting the fact he didn't make an effort to meet this woman with a similar interest?
I don't mean this as criticism--actually I went to a screening of a short film that won at Cannes and I didn't get that either. So don't take my remarks as mean sprited.
Also, how would some of you guerilla types go about shooting something like this? I would think it'd be extraordinarily difficult. Probably switch locations to a bus?
500lb Productions
Well-known member
OK, this one was my entry, so now that voting ended I'll comment.
One thing I learned from my still photography is that a picture often means different things to different people, and often those meaning were completely unintentional on my part as a photographer.
I find that many of my better images leave at least some element of that interpretation open the viewer, such that it becomes at least partly their picture.
When I wrote this piece, I intentionally left it unresolved. I didn't want to specify he sought her out, or she sought him out, or if it was just a coincidence of timing and personal habit.
I also didn't want to specify what her issue was, other than to imply that she clearly had one.
And I also didn't want to specify what happened in the end.
I think that given this many opportunites for interpretation, no two viewers would see the same movie.... however, this places a lot of responsibility on the viewer to wonder about things and to invent their own answers.
Of course, most directors would interpret the story to their own POV, and then remove much of this ambiguity through how the shoot the scene and present the story. But my goal in writing it would be that it NOT be interpreted by the director, that the director would take as much effort as possible to leave the interpretation to the viewers.
One thing I learned from my still photography is that a picture often means different things to different people, and often those meaning were completely unintentional on my part as a photographer.
I find that many of my better images leave at least some element of that interpretation open the viewer, such that it becomes at least partly their picture.
When I wrote this piece, I intentionally left it unresolved. I didn't want to specify he sought her out, or she sought him out, or if it was just a coincidence of timing and personal habit.
I also didn't want to specify what her issue was, other than to imply that she clearly had one.
And I also didn't want to specify what happened in the end.
I think that given this many opportunites for interpretation, no two viewers would see the same movie.... however, this places a lot of responsibility on the viewer to wonder about things and to invent their own answers.
Of course, most directors would interpret the story to their own POV, and then remove much of this ambiguity through how the shoot the scene and present the story. But my goal in writing it would be that it NOT be interpreted by the director, that the director would take as much effort as possible to leave the interpretation to the viewers.
mrblue1022
Well-known member
brianluce said:
I thought it was a tragedy. You set up this guy who had opportunities to approach this woman and in the end he missed his chance. Leaving the ending open ended helps the audience to feel that sense of loss and hope that the guy would be feeling at that point.