500lb Productions
Well-known member
http://www.fouturejeans.com/500LBS/ContestWeek1/entry_02.pdf
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Read, then vote in the poll and post comments below.
Contest Week 1 Voting Entry 2
- Thread starter 500lb Productions
- Start date
500lb Productions
Well-known member
I like this one, except I don't follow when the killer drops. What broke the glass and killed him?
I guess a bullet? The writer of this is truly dillusional and suffers a mental disorder. Are there any votes yet at all? Then no comments? The dilussional part is a joke btw.
Last edited:
mrblue1022
Well-known member
A good set up, but it lost me with the glass shattering. Where did this glass come from and how did it break? What caused the madman to bleed and collapse? I assume from Martha smiling at the picture that the picture is of her husband and perhaps it’s his ghost that kills the madman but there is not enough detail around what happened to Worth to make any sense of it.
OK now this is over I will my thoughts on my own script.
One thing I found unrealistic was not being able to write any dialogue. That was a lot tougher than I initially though considering the goals I had to achieve in the set up given to me.
Opening scene: I had written an outline of characters etc but in this short first image I wanted to have a hook, something that would keep people reading/watching. As my main character was a very old frail dying woman, I thought to use an attractive young nurse, dead, and a nice butt to look at. I thought this would serve to not only introduce someone had already died, but also get people to ask Who did it?, and when we met thee who we would know this person is capable of bad things.
Scene two was a long scene. It had to be from my main characters POV. So I set up the room so that from her perspective she could see the antagonist, the killer. I placed him in the kitchen with a knife to her dogs throat. Why?
Because if he was next to her and had motivation to speak why wouldnt he? That to me would make it unrealistic. Keeping in mind once more I COULD NOT USE ANY DIALOGUE per the scene rules I had.
Someone also mentioned why wouldnt he hold the woman? If the cop came in and he was holding the woman hostage again I felt it unrealistic there would be no words in this case. Instead I went with the assumption the cop wasnt exactly sure he was even there, so the killer had no reason to give himself away, just to silence her.
The next part I found difficult and I guess I missed the mark slightly. OK so cop enters he looks at Martha nothing else. He withdraws with a mobile phone to his ear his gun has been holstered. Then when he has left, Martha shows the killer she has given him up by using the mirror... I felt it safe to assume if she showed a reflection that from the killers direction showed the front door then 2+2 = 4 and people would deduce it would be the same in reverse... thus the killer at this point would realise he was given away. I think the actual visual of this might be a lot clearer in showing my point.
So she is in an apartment building. She must be the scene is in an apartment. Moments after Williams retreats to the hall with the phone to his ear, the killer is shot.
What happened? Well to me when writing, I thought it cant be Williams he is in an apartment building, no way he could get outside to take the shot that fast... but most likely to do with the call he was making. As then there was no actual sound of gunshot I felt safe people would assume he was shot from a distance.
Again I would have loved to see Williams in the apartment hall.... Williams - "take the shot - then next scene - sniper on roof taking aim. Then back to Martha showing the mirror. But of course none of those things were possible because I had rules to adhere to in my set up. So maybe I didnt get the message across clearly.
Anyway at the end of the day, I was pretty happy with the way it came out considering the above.
One thing I found unrealistic was not being able to write any dialogue. That was a lot tougher than I initially though considering the goals I had to achieve in the set up given to me.
Opening scene: I had written an outline of characters etc but in this short first image I wanted to have a hook, something that would keep people reading/watching. As my main character was a very old frail dying woman, I thought to use an attractive young nurse, dead, and a nice butt to look at. I thought this would serve to not only introduce someone had already died, but also get people to ask Who did it?, and when we met thee who we would know this person is capable of bad things.
Scene two was a long scene. It had to be from my main characters POV. So I set up the room so that from her perspective she could see the antagonist, the killer. I placed him in the kitchen with a knife to her dogs throat. Why?
Because if he was next to her and had motivation to speak why wouldnt he? That to me would make it unrealistic. Keeping in mind once more I COULD NOT USE ANY DIALOGUE per the scene rules I had.
Someone also mentioned why wouldnt he hold the woman? If the cop came in and he was holding the woman hostage again I felt it unrealistic there would be no words in this case. Instead I went with the assumption the cop wasnt exactly sure he was even there, so the killer had no reason to give himself away, just to silence her.
The next part I found difficult and I guess I missed the mark slightly. OK so cop enters he looks at Martha nothing else. He withdraws with a mobile phone to his ear his gun has been holstered. Then when he has left, Martha shows the killer she has given him up by using the mirror... I felt it safe to assume if she showed a reflection that from the killers direction showed the front door then 2+2 = 4 and people would deduce it would be the same in reverse... thus the killer at this point would realise he was given away. I think the actual visual of this might be a lot clearer in showing my point.
So she is in an apartment building. She must be the scene is in an apartment. Moments after Williams retreats to the hall with the phone to his ear, the killer is shot.
What happened? Well to me when writing, I thought it cant be Williams he is in an apartment building, no way he could get outside to take the shot that fast... but most likely to do with the call he was making. As then there was no actual sound of gunshot I felt safe people would assume he was shot from a distance.
Again I would have loved to see Williams in the apartment hall.... Williams - "take the shot - then next scene - sniper on roof taking aim. Then back to Martha showing the mirror. But of course none of those things were possible because I had rules to adhere to in my set up. So maybe I didnt get the message across clearly.
Anyway at the end of the day, I was pretty happy with the way it came out considering the above.