Comedy Script

Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau

Como's back. back again
I was directed here by another user, saying i should get some help with this. Its just a basic 1 minute comedy short. Any suggestions? Thanks


INT. Building- Day

JON arrives at the elevator and pushes the button to go up. The door's open, and JON gets inside.

int. Elevator- Day

JON is waiting patiently, moving his head to the elevator music. He looks in front of him, and sees him self, a mirror is in tact. He makes a goofy face. Then another one. He keeps making all these weird, funny faces, until the doors open, and a woman, about 35 is standing there. She gives him a not so nice look, and JON gives an awkward face expression. He leave with his head down, and walks away. The girl gets in the elevator.
 
Well the guy is making funny faces in the mirror. At first hell check his teeh and what not, then he ll do a funny face, then it will just lead on. Then the doors open and theres a woman waiting to go up, and she sees him standing there with a weird face. Thats the funny part! At least I think it is ahaha
 
If Jim Carrey were doing it, it might be funny in the right context. But if the audience isn't familiar with the actor, this is probably not enough, in and of itself, to make anyone laugh. Make it one scene in a larger comedy and we'll see.
 
Well, this is not a "script" but I suggest producing it first and seeing how people respond to the movie itself and not the idea. Practice makes perfect, I guess.
 
What would make this funny (er) is to have the woman then do the same thing.

As the guy exits, the woman enters and the doors close. Another (man or woman) seem irritated they just missed the elevator. Turns out this particular elevator is a favorite place to do this.

Cut back inside and we see the woman do faces.

Maybe start out with the first guy looking glum as he steps in, then as he steps out, he's happy-go-lucky.

Use the elevator as an attitude adjuster.

a


www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
Hey Como,

I think it very well might work if you have something in your head that works... but I like Alex's idea too, and to make it hit a third time for comedic purposes for that chance at the big laugh, then go with he woman doing faces too like Alex proposed, but then have her get caught by a 40-50 year old shorter guy with a gut and an expensive business suit...

something that would help is if the first guy is completely comfortable being a goof-ball... then the girl is taller and attractive, but her composure is all serious business, in a business attire with glasses... and then older guy is the type that looks like the owner of the company who looks at her as if she failed him, he serious as a rock, more importantly he looks like the only guy in the planet who wouldn't do this... that is the big one... he steps in but we think that he ruined the cycle as he looks like the only guys who would not succumb to the temptation... yet both of them can't resist trying out what the goof-ball did... after all gooks and dorks have all the fun! :D

if any of the last two characters are over the top when they are introduced it won't work.

It sounds like an easy location list heheh... which is good since comedy is not easy to capture. Once you get it lit you can have all three actors do their thing.... re-light for the interior, then all of them do their thing again, re light for the close up, and so on.... a real helper!

Good luck!
 
I don't know if it's just typos but that little bit of screenplay is full of grammatical errors. It also might help the comedy aspect if the action were written a little more lively. Instead of "moving his head" how is he moving? Bopping, swinging, sticking his neck out like a chicken? The actor would have a better point of reference. Just my two-and-a-half cents.
 
I agree... when you write a script you need to make up for the lack of emphasis and all else that you have available with your in-person pitch/delivery... detail is necessary.

...heheh... but I am the one that types 100 miles a minute with grammatical atrocities and complete dependency on spell check, so I should stfu lol... :D
 
I've always been told to leave stuff like that to the actor, director, and crew, as they are completely capable of interpreting a script, and will have their own ideas. It's better, in my opinion, to not waste space with that, which can give your script a false impression as being longer than it really is. But if you're writing it for yourself then I guess go ahead.
 
anyone seen Schizopolis? Soderbergh got a lot of mileage out of making faces in a mirror.

face_right.gif
face_left.gif
 
well yes indeed... I agree... it is all about the actor/s - director team in my opinion to... but for purposes of pitching the script to possible participants or for money then you might want to show that you have a great visual in your head... of course if you can meet instead then no worried, but if it is on a written only medium (like here :thumbsup:) then you might want to elaborate a bit...

again, for all I know you have a masterpiece in your head... maybe I'll love watching 10 minutes of nothing but him making faces... but I have no idea if it is so

while no one gives a hoot about what I think it still would help to elaborate so as to be able to discuss this idea

because of this limitation (or say MY limitation with words hehe) I have not yet shared an idea here... but I think it is time to do so and gear up for a bit of writing from my part...

I'd like to hear more about this concept and sorry if my ideas were unwanted or if it was simply out of place to share them... I sure didn't want to offend or intrude
 
I hope you weren't offended in any way by my post US. I most definitely did not mean it offensively.

I was just passing on some knowledge from an article I had read, actually from Alex Whitmer's site, about how people will sometimes reject scripts based on length, and that using fewer words will make your script more readable for other people.

I suppose it doesn't really apply here, but I just wanted to share my view on that. Sorry again to anyone if my post was a harsh, I had to type it in about 30 seconds because we got hit by crazy rain, and right as I was typing my reply, a berm broke outside my window :).
 
Oh.... not at all I was just wondering if I overstepped.... I haven't posted here in..... well never... so I didn't really know how people might react to such posts so I figured I'd play it nice and safe and let people know where I was coming from. :thumbsup:

That is an excellent point. When you are trying to sell a script you might want to avoid overly elaborate ways of getting the detail across or simply limit the detail without missing anything important to the story as you see it. But I am so far from that, hehehe... well... more like "sooooooooo far" hehehe...

Writing profesionally would mean that I would have to re-learn grammar. I know how to write properly. The file is somewhere in my HDD, I'd have to defrag and search for it but I can pull it up since it is like riding a bicycle, and bam! I'd be bearable. But what's worse, I would have to give up on my idiotic over-use of ... but... I mean.... I love doing that... it is like... a pause... like a beat... liek when you think! :D

Man I am a dork!


BACK ON TOPIC:
Anything on the elevator scene?
 
Have you decided to use any of the ideas here, like having a couple different people make faces in the elevator, or did you decide to go with your original idea?
 
just a suggestion for the storyline. I think a little twist wouldn't hurt right? :P So we see a few characters coming in tired and sleepy into the elevator they begin doing weird exercises and making faces in the elevator one after the other ( I'm talking awkward as hell) as an attitude adjuster as someone suggested. But at the end we see the elevator doors close and on them is a tablet of morale boosting exercises. Just a little tiny quirky ending :) Hope you like. Good luck.
 
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