dougspice
Veteran
Hey slim,
I finally got around to reading this, as I promised. Sorry for the delay!
Overall, I was very entertained by the characters, dialogue, and situations you set up. Everything keeps moving at a brisk pace, the characters are well realized (Walken is nicely painted, Will and Co. are fun), and it walks that high-wire between believable and fantasy just enough to stay coherent. A good achievement! I like the fantasy world where Christopher Walken is the biggest star imaginable that could walk into this restaurant, and all stops are pulled out for him.
That said, I had a few problems with it. Mostly, I think you fall apart in the third act here. The actual climax is a little disappointing in that Mike is actually saved by Gunther... who cares about Gunther? He's probably the least memorable character, but even if he wasn't, I really think Mike should turn Walken to his side by his own charm and ability... or, better, set up that situation as a false climax! Walken and Mike are cool, UNTIL the others show up, thinking they're going to save the day, but they actually complicate the issue and make it worse, thus setting up a second climax.
Your resolution is satisfying and cute, but suffers from a real bad case of ensemblitis. Does it make any sense whatsoever to have Lacasa and Jean Paul working as peons on set? No. Do I care about those characters, and want or need to see that they're chums with our boys now? Not really. I think Lacasa needs a resolution, but he's set up as the big bad, so why doesn't he take a fall? Demeaning him down to security guard doesn't really achieve that, at least not in the exact way you've done it now. Bizarrely, I feel like Roman and Ari's story is NOT wrapped up, and I'm left sort of wondering what happened to those guys. Jean Paul I couldn't care less about.
Which brings us to our team. The good news is you've written a bunch of characters who are each distinct and likable in their own ways. The bad news is that the guys, at least, are a perfect knock-off of Entourage. You've got your Eric, your Vince, your Turtle, and your Drama. It didn't take me more than a few pages to notice this. I'd really recommend changing things up a bit here – although the formula clearly works, I think it will get in the way of people taking the script seriously! And Jen. There's really nothing in this script that gives me anything about this girl. I gather that she's an old flame or crush of Mike's (unfortunately, I can't tell which) but that's about it. She doesn't have much personality. I like that she takes the initiative in the van-stealing scene, but other than that she seems to be just a blank pretty face. You can do better than that. Tell me more about her past relationship with Mike! Tell me more about who she is and why we should like her as much as he clearly does! And tell me that through her actions, with the same comic efficiency you've demonstrated everywhere else in this script!
All told, I liked this a lot, and if it were coming to a theater near me I'd probably want to check it out. I do agree with Nathyn's comments about your writing style... your action tends to be a little overwritten, a little dry. But that's easy to fix, and it didn't stop me from reading start-to-finish! I hope you keep working on this. Lots of luck with it!
I finally got around to reading this, as I promised. Sorry for the delay!
Overall, I was very entertained by the characters, dialogue, and situations you set up. Everything keeps moving at a brisk pace, the characters are well realized (Walken is nicely painted, Will and Co. are fun), and it walks that high-wire between believable and fantasy just enough to stay coherent. A good achievement! I like the fantasy world where Christopher Walken is the biggest star imaginable that could walk into this restaurant, and all stops are pulled out for him.
That said, I had a few problems with it. Mostly, I think you fall apart in the third act here. The actual climax is a little disappointing in that Mike is actually saved by Gunther... who cares about Gunther? He's probably the least memorable character, but even if he wasn't, I really think Mike should turn Walken to his side by his own charm and ability... or, better, set up that situation as a false climax! Walken and Mike are cool, UNTIL the others show up, thinking they're going to save the day, but they actually complicate the issue and make it worse, thus setting up a second climax.
Your resolution is satisfying and cute, but suffers from a real bad case of ensemblitis. Does it make any sense whatsoever to have Lacasa and Jean Paul working as peons on set? No. Do I care about those characters, and want or need to see that they're chums with our boys now? Not really. I think Lacasa needs a resolution, but he's set up as the big bad, so why doesn't he take a fall? Demeaning him down to security guard doesn't really achieve that, at least not in the exact way you've done it now. Bizarrely, I feel like Roman and Ari's story is NOT wrapped up, and I'm left sort of wondering what happened to those guys. Jean Paul I couldn't care less about.
Which brings us to our team. The good news is you've written a bunch of characters who are each distinct and likable in their own ways. The bad news is that the guys, at least, are a perfect knock-off of Entourage. You've got your Eric, your Vince, your Turtle, and your Drama. It didn't take me more than a few pages to notice this. I'd really recommend changing things up a bit here – although the formula clearly works, I think it will get in the way of people taking the script seriously! And Jen. There's really nothing in this script that gives me anything about this girl. I gather that she's an old flame or crush of Mike's (unfortunately, I can't tell which) but that's about it. She doesn't have much personality. I like that she takes the initiative in the van-stealing scene, but other than that she seems to be just a blank pretty face. You can do better than that. Tell me more about her past relationship with Mike! Tell me more about who she is and why we should like her as much as he clearly does! And tell me that through her actions, with the same comic efficiency you've demonstrated everywhere else in this script!
All told, I liked this a lot, and if it were coming to a theater near me I'd probably want to check it out. I do agree with Nathyn's comments about your writing style... your action tends to be a little overwritten, a little dry. But that's easy to fix, and it didn't stop me from reading start-to-finish! I hope you keep working on this. Lots of luck with it!
