"Child's Play"

Man, deleting that spam knocked me back to the last page.

Well, the few scripts I've read so far have been good. This should prove to be a very fun contest. Good luck everyone :thumbsup:
 
This was pretty good. It's funny, the titles of the scripts I've read thus far have given away a bit. I've been paying attention to that.

This was a fun read. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I won't give anything away until more people have time to read all of the scripts.


Mike
 
Larry, this was a fuin story. I saw the punchline coming, but the execution and near misses were so good that it didn't matter. My favorite is him eating a sandwich in the park, hearing a noise, and running without even looking. The imagery of that in my mind was pretty hilarious. Good job.
 
This was a good light hearted script. Which is nice, because the last few scripts I've read have been pretty heavy.

I would have liked a little bit more, maybe some inventive gags. I thought it had the potential to be even funnier, maybe with some more slapstick type of humor.

You definitely did a good job of keeping the story moving. I thought there were some humorous moments in it and it was to fun read.
 
Glad to hear people are enjoying this. To be honest, when I finished I was very unhappy with it, and really went back and forth with myself over whether or not to submit it.

The original idea I had was to make the "chase" more like something you'd see in a modern, shaky-cam action/adventure film (a la Bourne Ultimatum). But when I started writing, it came out more the way you see and when I tried to force the "bourne" feel onto it, I found myself in situations where hand-to-hand combat should naturally occur, but that was a problem, considering the ending "reveal" of this story.

I agree conlan, that it could use some more, bigger gags ... with the direction I took the script, that is what it really needs in order to progress into another, better draft.

Thanks for all the feedback, looking forward to any other thoughts out there. I'm making my way through all the scripts, really enjoying them and hope to start putting up my feedback soon.
 
Cute concept, well executed. It made me smile.

I think if you had made it more of a legit chase then the payoff would have been stronger, but there's nothing wrong with the script as it. If you did want to make it more serious, the moment that gave it away for me was at the beginning with the tapping on the glass. That strikes me as too innocent of a move for a serious, threatening chase. That scene, combined with the title pretty much told me where the script was going, but in this instance that didn't decrease my enjoyment of the piece.
 
Hey Larry,

I like this piece. I agree that you can up the gag factor. I also think you can employ some deflection to make the chase initially seem more dangerous than playful. The tarzan scream dissipates some of the danger you setup.

In the coffee scene I was hoping for a coffee throw. I wanted Keith to throw the coffee in George's face before running out. I think the image of coffee thrown in someone's face is simultaneously ridiculous and funny.

Just up the game, deflect the reader and make them think that something dangerous is going on, and then defuse it when you get to the punchline.

Nice work.
 
I didn't see the end coming at all, and it cracked me up when I got there. :) The situation never seemed particularly dangerous or sinister, but I definitely didn't expect it to go where it did.

More gags would definitely be fun. (If I can build on Isaac's coffee throwing gag, I can see a customer in the background of the coffee shop, ordering one of those coffees with the half-mile-long name that takes an hour to prepare, and then just as it's ready for him/her is when Keith makes his run for the back door, grabs it, and throws it at George.)

I love the idea of making it a Shakicam homage/parody, but I can see how that would be difficult to pull off.

As conlan said, it's nice to come across a fun script like this given some of the heavy subject matter in some of the other entries. I really enjoyed it. :)
 
Great ideas ... I like the coffee ideas, especially the added twist of some young person waiting for their $6 coffee only to have it snatched up Keith to throw in the face of the pursuing George.

I could go a couple ways with this I think. I could either ramp up the chase, make it more hectic/frenetic/frightening/etc and really play up how intense it is only to have the big laugh at the end, or I could make a serious of funny gags throughout the chase (like the coffee bit). I can then decide how "funny" to make it based on what I do with the gags. For example, I could have him grab the coffee (ordered by someone else) and pull the lid off to get maximum result from the throw only to get a whiff of how good it smells and stop to take a big drink.

There's definitely a lot that could be done with this and I think I will probably re-work this at some point and shoot it just cause it would be a fun little short to have.

Thanks for all the input ... glad to hear that it's been enjoyed, but even more love to get the input on ways to improve it.
 
Larry R said:
Great ideas ... I like the coffee ideas, especially the added twist of some young person waiting for their $6 coffee only to have it snatched up Keith to throw in the face of the pursuing George.

I could go a couple ways with this I think. I could either ramp up the chase, make it more hectic/frenetic/frightening/etc and really play up how intense it is only to have the big laugh at the end, or I could make a serious of funny gags throughout the chase (like the coffee bit). I can then decide how "funny" to make it based on what I do with the gags. For example, I could have him grab the coffee (ordered by someone else) and pull the lid off to get maximum result from the throw only to get a whiff of how good it smells and stop to take a big drink.

There's definitely a lot that could be done with this and I think I will probably re-work this at some point and shoot it just cause it would be a fun little short to have.

Thanks for all the input ... glad to hear that it's been enjoyed, but even more love to get the input on ways to improve it.
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I liked the light feeling of this script. The story was playful and fun. The tarzan scream had me laughing. The ending was predictable though I am not sure that is a bad thing. If you want the end to be a surprise I am not sure it would work, especially with the tone of the script and the title. In my opinion I wouldn't even bother with keeping it a surprise. I woud just play up the game of tag and how serious these two adults take it. You can have other people, like family or girlfiends look at these guys like idiots but they don't care. I would play up that fact.
 
All that for the fun of tag! Actually I enjoyed this. Knew where it was going and all but didn't seem to bother me. Brings back memories of when me and my best friend used to be assholes and do the same thing when we were like 12. Probably the best use of the Pursuit theme I've read yet. Good luck.
 
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