C&C - How can I make my short script better?

You appear to be a director from Australia, so these comments from an American Screenwriter might be worthless to you. Nonetheless...

The format could use a lot of work. There's no reason to write "Scene one" or such in a screenplay. A screenplay begins with FADE IN: and below that we get a slugline. Like:
INT. MAX'S HOUSE - MORNING

A scene in the screenwriting world is defined by location and time, you need only make a new slugline to make a new scene.

For stronger writing, write less of "He is doing" and more of "He does". A related note would be to not tell us things that can't be seen or heard. I think this is the one piece of advice you could use even if you are writing the film yourself. You'll be able to get your vision across to the actors better because the script will be more visual. For example:

"MAX is still struggling to speak. He is fading," would be better as "Mark opens his mouth, only a dry weeze escapes. His eyes closes as his chest rises and falls with each labored breath."

Again, this is from a screenwriter standpoint. If you're directing the film yourself and already have a solid vision, then you probably don't need any of what I just typed.

Good luck.

Oh, and "I don’t think she knows her place as a woman." didn't really sound natural. At least cut off the "as a woman" part, otherwise it's too on the nose.
 
thanks, have checked the formatting guides ect and apparently your screen writing form is a 'lil bit different to ours haha.

Anyway, thanks fo the tip on the writing, will make some changes. yeah I am directing, is more just a way to decribe to the actors what is happening.

And as for your last point, that is still up in the air as to what he should say, but you get the jist.
 
mty10 said:
Ok, here is a short script I amworking for asa draft for a local short film comp in september, comments/criticisms anyone?

The theme is "Respect"

The script is here:
View attachment 35915

any thoughts?
Click to expand...

I would suggest you look at Celtx the Free scriptwriting application, and look at some 'pro' scripts found on the web, for example Simply Scripts.

As for the 'story', there's not really much there. You could winnow the dialog quite a bit. In terms of general English usage, the standard is to use active verbs, in the present tense. There are scripts that use the 'progressive', that is 'he IS RUNNING...', etc. but the principle of 'least words to express the action', suggests that 'he runs' is preferred.

In the fight action, I'd break the line about what Becky is doing into it's own separate line, and just describe the fight action. As a note 'they scuffle..." doesn't really add to things, so, I'd reduce it down to who punches who action descriptions.
 
Usually a good idea to give readers some idea of the main character(s) when first introduced-- i would like to know who MAX is when I first start reading. Is MAX a college student from a family of mean$, or a man in his 40s who looks like he might have just done a dime (ten years) in prison? other? To help me visualize the story.
 
Thanks for the help guys, and yeah I did use Celtx but with the Australian Template.

I didn't flesh them out to much because I'm directing the film, but will keep the thoughts in mind.
 
mty10 said:
Thanks for the help guys, and yeah I did use Celtx but with the Australian Template.

I didn't flesh them out to much because I'm directing the film, but will keep the thoughts in mind.
Click to expand...

I exclusively write with a mind to making my short films. However, in order to get feedback, and use somewhat 'industry standards', I use Celtx to get the 'standard' mostly right, relative to formatting, scene headers, etc. There are other features of Celtx that allow for generating additional documentation needed for shooting, which are not available with the 'purely screenwriting' packages, or if available are additional cost items.

The most significant 'lack' I have is, I got into photography because I could not draw well... and what I would really like is a 'cheap/free/opensource' storyboarding software, perhaps simple animatics program to assist in visualizations. At the moment I don't seem to have the time to actually shoot, so getting visuals going via some tool allows me to better conceived of what I'm going to shoot... when time, money, and the Wife are not a concern...

As for 'australian format'... I've read some set of scripts from australians, and they seem to follow the Hollywood Standard for the most part, spelling, word usage, etc, aside...
 
j1clark@ucsd.edu said:
...As for 'australian format'... I've read some set of scripts from australians, and they seem to follow the Hollywood Standard for the most part, spelling, word usage, etc, aside...
Click to expand...

Indeed. I was curious about Australian script format, so:
http://www.awg.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=217&Itemid=73

which links to a sample Australian screenplay showing Australian format per their WGA equivalent 'down under':
http://www.awg.com.au/images/pdfs/Suggest Script Layout.pdf
 
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