Artsy Short Animation Film screenplay. Looking for feedback.

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Robertm113087

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This is supposed to be an animation of a poem a friend did. Rotoscoping like in "Waking Life/A Scanner Darkly" is kind of the look I am shooting for even though after researching that I realized that would be kind of over my head if I wanted it to look legit. But the guy who owns the proprietary software for that kind of animation lives in my city of Austin, TX. So you never know...

Anyways, just seeing if it flows and makes sense. Wanting any criticism and all that.

Here's the link to the pdf. "QUALMS WITH THE ENGLISH MAJOR"

Thanks!
 
Not bad. I was a bit discomcerted by the poem lines seemingly coming very slowly at the beginning, then in a huge rush at the end - unless you meant the poem to be read at normal speed and the early shots will be very very quick? Not all the shots seemed to have an accompanying line. I'm not saying it would be impossible to drip-feed lines with pauses in between, but most of the successful 'illustrated poem' films I've seen do deliver the poem normally and make the visuals match the reading.

Don't give up on the Scanner Darkly visual style - many editing programs have posterise filters that can do similar (if much more basic) things, particularly when used in combo with other filters. Consider too other graphic looks, e.g. filters that mimic line drawing or painting. I agree that 'realism' would not be the way to tell this poem visually, you need the weird visual imagery, in fact I'd have liked more of it.
 
Thanks for looking it over.

I agree it should be illustrated at the normal pace of the poem and that was what I was trying to go for. I wasn't sure how to write in the screenplay that it would follow the normal pace of the poem so if anyone has any pointers I would be much obliged.

If it does get to the point of animation I plan on telling the artists to maybe add some more weird visuals and stuff. Clang, if you have an idea for a cool weird visual that you think would help illustrate the poem please share.
 
yeah, traditional screenplay format isn't great for describing narration accompanying specific imagery! I have the same problem with my stop-motion animation scripts. I find a two column format easier, one describing video, one for audio.

Visually I like your repeated use of the red book (although it's not clear to me how it relates to the poem, perhaps lines of the poem could be seen in the book at one point, possibly being written or crossed out or fading or something?), the book could be used even more, e.g the same book is used in non-book situations like giant books forming building roofs or walls? A plot thought: the mugger should steal the red book and leave him everything else?

I'm still not keen on the final scene with the older Professor Thom in that it takes up too much of the poem, I suggest he should be seen reading only from "Purity' onwards and give us different imagery before that.

From a quick readthrough, the whole film will be under a minute long? (That's a good thing, keep it short and sweet.) I suggest making an animated storyboard version, with rough drawings showing the images you want and someone with a good voice reading the poem. That will help you a lot with the visual story telling and timing, and will also help you attract possible animators/filmmmakers/investors/actors etc to make it 'properly'
 
I was thinking of having the whiteboard behind him becoming a screen that goes through all the other scenes reminding the audience where they came from in the last part when the older professor says his last long lines. Make it a little more interesting then just an old guy talking.

I was going back and forth on if I needed to storyboard but I can see what your saying. Make it a little more clear of the time and all that. Investors? Filmmaker's That'd be cool. Though I really just wrote all this for my friend's poem to turn into something visual. This is actually my first screenplay. Wikipedia and the Final draft tutorials are golden.

Thanks again.
 
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