midnightblues
Member
I'm just looking at feedback for this short script. I'm not sure if this is the place but....any feedback would be great.
Thanks
Mark
Thanks
Mark
anyone wanna read this 12-13 page script? what to improve? what to change?
- Thread starter midnightblues
- Start date
No, this is exactly where this should happen. It should happen more, really. And not worry so much about whether it's good or bad, just put it out there and see what flies and what doesn't. It's commendable that you did instead of hoarding it away. Nothing grows without sunlight.
I sort of get the idea that it's supposed to be a comedy; there are some scenes which could lend to that if done well, but the overall tone doesn't suggest it, especially in the scenes between Tony and Yolanda. So, I'd see what I could do about playing up some laughs, constructing more comedic situations.
It seems like the theme is a bit muddled, too. Is this about a family figuring out what family means, or should mean? If so, it seems a little forced and awkward. What exactly happens to change the tone, especially in Tony, who up until the second he changed, didn't seem to want to have anything to do with his sister and niece? I didn't really see that pivotal moment.
It FEELS like you've got something you want to say here; it just seems to get lost somewhere.
A few other notes:
Watch your spelling. It's important.
You have multiple montages (three, I think). This is a pretty short script to have even one.
Also, "24 hours earlier": not my taste in the best of circumstances, but here, you didn't tie it back to the scene you started with. Usually, the expectation for that kind of thing is that you will. You left something dangling: the girl unplugged the refrigerator. You'd kind of expect to see what led up to that. You never explain it, you just say the girl unplugged it to "save money." But no one would do that. The girl is 17 years old; she knows better.
Some specifics:
You write:
"YOLANDA, 20s, super-attractive, gives TONY a personal
congrats that only these two see."
What was it? You can't write in innuendo; you need to say what it is.
Next:
"It’s a wild party about to
happen."
Aside from having the same problem as above -- you need to SHOW this through specific details -- OK, where? In the office? That's what I'd guess, but in the very next scene, it seemed to have happened at Tony's house.
This stuff needs to be clear. It's not a novel, it's a screenplay.
Again, here:
"Tony and Yolanda look very cozy and comfy together on the
couch."
Not as bad, but you still need some detail.
Here:
"TONY
There u go."
Never, ever do this. It's not a text.
"INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Cops laugh as they replay the security cam footage at
regular speed, we just see a turkey hit the officer’s head,
knocking him out on the floor again, rewind and again.
COP 1
I don’t believe it. A damn turkey
pacquiao’d the rook. What! Hahaha!
A group of them continue to laugh but laugh even harder when
they see the family together walking out. Jewels, Penny, and
Tony exit the police station."
Now that they've left the police station, you need to call a new scene: "EXT. POLICE STATION" or "EXT. STREET" or whatever.
Similar, here:
"EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The family drives off. At one point, we pass by a mall’s
parking lot that is full of cars at this time of night.
Shoppers entering and exiting.
MONTAGE: footage from over the past years of fights,
violence and chaos that have occurred during Black Friday
Sales.
JEWELS
I don’t know. I think we just
forget."
Where is she saying this? Is she in the car? Is she still standing on the street? Is it a voiceover?
Remember, this isn't a piece of literature; it's a technical document. You need to be able to make a film from this, and you need to provide all of this technical information in a specific way, or the people who will be making it won't know exactly what to do.
Don't take all this too harshly; you did what a lot of people don't: you wrote something, and you let other people see it. Writing is something which takes practice, takes experience, and takes time. What's cool about it is that it's something you can get better at your whole life, unlike other things that start to fade as you age. It's a skill you can keep improving, and by doing this, you've shown you're willing to.
So, again -- thanks for putting it out there. This is the kind of thing we hoped would go on in this section of the board.
I sort of get the idea that it's supposed to be a comedy; there are some scenes which could lend to that if done well, but the overall tone doesn't suggest it, especially in the scenes between Tony and Yolanda. So, I'd see what I could do about playing up some laughs, constructing more comedic situations.
It seems like the theme is a bit muddled, too. Is this about a family figuring out what family means, or should mean? If so, it seems a little forced and awkward. What exactly happens to change the tone, especially in Tony, who up until the second he changed, didn't seem to want to have anything to do with his sister and niece? I didn't really see that pivotal moment.
It FEELS like you've got something you want to say here; it just seems to get lost somewhere.
A few other notes:
Watch your spelling. It's important.
You have multiple montages (three, I think). This is a pretty short script to have even one.
Also, "24 hours earlier": not my taste in the best of circumstances, but here, you didn't tie it back to the scene you started with. Usually, the expectation for that kind of thing is that you will. You left something dangling: the girl unplugged the refrigerator. You'd kind of expect to see what led up to that. You never explain it, you just say the girl unplugged it to "save money." But no one would do that. The girl is 17 years old; she knows better.
Some specifics:
You write:
"YOLANDA, 20s, super-attractive, gives TONY a personal
congrats that only these two see."
What was it? You can't write in innuendo; you need to say what it is.
Next:
"It’s a wild party about to
happen."
Aside from having the same problem as above -- you need to SHOW this through specific details -- OK, where? In the office? That's what I'd guess, but in the very next scene, it seemed to have happened at Tony's house.
This stuff needs to be clear. It's not a novel, it's a screenplay.
Again, here:
"Tony and Yolanda look very cozy and comfy together on the
couch."
Not as bad, but you still need some detail.
Here:
"TONY
There u go."
Never, ever do this. It's not a text.
"INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Cops laugh as they replay the security cam footage at
regular speed, we just see a turkey hit the officer’s head,
knocking him out on the floor again, rewind and again.
COP 1
I don’t believe it. A damn turkey
pacquiao’d the rook. What! Hahaha!
A group of them continue to laugh but laugh even harder when
they see the family together walking out. Jewels, Penny, and
Tony exit the police station."
Now that they've left the police station, you need to call a new scene: "EXT. POLICE STATION" or "EXT. STREET" or whatever.
Similar, here:
"EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The family drives off. At one point, we pass by a mall’s
parking lot that is full of cars at this time of night.
Shoppers entering and exiting.
MONTAGE: footage from over the past years of fights,
violence and chaos that have occurred during Black Friday
Sales.
JEWELS
I don’t know. I think we just
forget."
Where is she saying this? Is she in the car? Is she still standing on the street? Is it a voiceover?
Remember, this isn't a piece of literature; it's a technical document. You need to be able to make a film from this, and you need to provide all of this technical information in a specific way, or the people who will be making it won't know exactly what to do.
Don't take all this too harshly; you did what a lot of people don't: you wrote something, and you let other people see it. Writing is something which takes practice, takes experience, and takes time. What's cool about it is that it's something you can get better at your whole life, unlike other things that start to fade as you age. It's a skill you can keep improving, and by doing this, you've shown you're willing to.
So, again -- thanks for putting it out there. This is the kind of thing we hoped would go on in this section of the board.
Just a note for proper etiquette when it comes to these things -- if you ask for people to take the time to read and give feedback for your script, at least come back and look at it.
Kid_Filmmaker
Active member
Yeah, I saw some spelling errors and spelling is one of the most important parts of a script, IMO. Also put spaces in between your descriptions, or else to me and probably to everyone else, it just looks like big chunks of description. Breaking up long paragraphs into smaller bites is also a good way to control the pace of the scene.
There's just a lot more work that needs to be done in this script, in regards to incomplete sentences in some of the dialogue and spellings among other things. It seems like a nice story but it needs some work.
There's just a lot more work that needs to be done in this script, in regards to incomplete sentences in some of the dialogue and spellings among other things. It seems like a nice story but it needs some work.
Kid_Filmmaker
Active member
Yeah, adding to what David said, I saw some spelling errors and spelling is one of the most important parts of a script, IMO. Also put spaces in between your descriptions, or else to me and probably to everyone else, it just looks like big chunks of description. Breaking up long paragraphs into smaller bites is also a good way to control the pace of the scene.
There's just a lot more work that needs to be done in this script, in regards to incomplete sentences in some of the dialogue and spellings among other things. It seems like a nice story but it needs some work.
There's just a lot more work that needs to be done in this script, in regards to incomplete sentences in some of the dialogue and spellings among other things. It seems like a nice story but it needs some work.