"Abduct Me!" - 6pg - PDF - Feedback?

Right on. I liked it. It was original. And it was funny. Are you gonna shoot it?

I thought the characters and dialogue were great. I loved the ending. Only a few things that I bumped on were:

1) A couple of moments where you tell us too much in the action: "We can tell that Roommate is tired of this situation, but there's no hint of anger in his voice, just whining if anything." You don't need any of this. You painted the character and situation well enough that he can just say his line. If you really think your reader isn't going to be hearing what you want them to hear, then reduce this kind of description way down. Delete "we can tell." Just say it. "The Roommate's heard it before." That's all you need.

2) There's a beat missing between Guy's return home, and seeing the UFO. There needs to be some transition between the two scenes. Even if it's short. It was just rather sudden. Maybe Guy is lying in bed in his trailer, praying at his bed, "Please take me, please take me, please take me." And the roommate shouts, "Shut up! You gotta face it, there's no such thing as..." And then the trailer rumbles. Things fall off shelves. A weird glow passes quickly through the windows of the trailer. And then Guy runs outside. He smiles. It's finally happening. A huge UFO is descending into the neighboring field. The stoned Roommate stumbles outside too and looks out at the sight and frowns, and then before turning to go back inside, "It's just a weather balloon man." But Guy starts walking towards the UFO. Then running...and from here you go to the rest of your script. Just a thought. ;-)

3) Not sure about plugging up the commode with giant turds...but heck, you could always shoot it and edit it out if it doesn't get a laugh.
 
First off, thank you for reading it, I means a lot to me. I understand what you are saying about the description saying too much. I would be afraid to put it in a spec. I feel sometimes I have to spell it out for my current readers. I'm glad you feel that way about it; because that means that I've found a group that knows how to read a script.

I get what you’re saying about a missing beat. It does need something. Your suggestion was wonderful, thank you. I was afraid that the payoff wasn't big enough to stretch it out another sequence. Get in and get out, was what I was told.

The big turd in the commode was my way of getting Guy out of the house, so his discovery of the aliens would be his own private experience. It sounds like a long way there, but I was hoping that another anal probe joke would smooth it over. This is starting to sound a little gross. Ha,ha.

I hope I don’t sound defensive. I do appreciate and want to learn from your feedback.

Yeah, I do plan to shoot it when I find a talented 3d/compositor to handle the effects. But, I’m in no rush. My real job only allows for writing right now, so that’s what I’m doing.

Thank you again for your time and wisdom.
 
JC - Good stuff, I liked the banter between Guy and Roommate. I loved the description of the car, bumper stickers and his costume. And I agree with sean about the excess in Action/Description. If the audience sees how over-the-top this guy is about aliens, we can already imagine how annoyed the roommate would be. A simple roll of the eyes would get that point across real well. And of course, since you're shooting it, you can definitely work with the actor to make sure he would understand what it is you want.

One thing I kept wondering was why the aliens took the roommate instead of the Guy. Early in their conversation, the Roommate says something about Guy having all his teeth. It would be kind of funny to know that there is something about the Roommate that the aliens want. I don't think it's really necessary for Guy to realize this, but I think it would be a cooler payoff for the audience to have that little bit of information in the end.

Funny stuff, though...I dug it.
 
Thanks Vertigo,
I was hoping the viewers would feel that when Guy dropped his pants to greet the aliens, he confirmed that he is not the intelligent life form they are looking for. It may not be enough info, but I hoped it would be enough.
Thanks again,
 
I think that has some great potential. I fiddle with LightWave 3D and their forum is great. You may be able to find some very good artists that would jump at a collaboration like that. There are lots of 3D forums but here is the link to the LightWave forum if you like.

http://www.newtek.com/forums/
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top