A small piece... please critique.

p3anut

p3anut

Member
hey guys I am now 20 odd pages into my first ever screenplay therefore as im sure most of you will appreciate, I would love some ffedback. so i wanted to put up a small piece of it on here i'm aware that it doesnt show up properly formatted but I am using final draft so thats not a concern. Thanks to anyone who can give some feedback.


This is page 15 and 16 -



ROHAN (CONT’D)
Hehe. Hi.
The whole horde erupts, crying babies, whining toddlers, impatient adolescents and curious teens. Overwhelmed, Rohan’s runs back inside. Breathing hysterically, he makes to peek out of the curtains - [THUD]
ROHAN (CONT’D)
ARGH!
A young boy has his face squashed against the glass and is slowly sliding down. He heads back outside. Everyone is staring at him again.
Contemplating what to say he feels a tug on his pants.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
Huh?
The cutest baby with one tooth and blond curls is looking up at Rohan, smiling.
BABY #1
[cooing]
ROHAN
Oh, umm, hey there.
The baby starts screaming uncontrollably. Rohan jumps and a little girl [sister] comes and grabs him.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
What are you all doing here?
A young teen approaches Rohan.
YOUNG TEEN #1
Umm... hi. Well we all got these I think.
She hands Rohan a card, which reads:
SO YOU’VE AWOKEN THIS DAY, WITH QUESTIONS A HEAP, BUT DON’T BE AFRAID, FOR ANSWERS YOU’LL SEEK, WITH HELP FROM OTHERS, YOUR JOURNEY YOU’LL WIN, WHERE ARE THE GROWN-UPS? FIND ROHAN, ASK HIM!
Rohan contemplates the card for a moment before looking like he’s been smacked in the face with realization.
ROHAN
Oh HA HA very funny. OK jokes over guys! Mum? Dad? You can come out now! Who put you up to this? Was it Gordon? That old dog.
He looks around a bit longer.... Too long! Turning back to the horde, everyone staring at him like he’s completely insane, he notices a short young boy.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
Their not here are they.
The boy just shakes his head.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
Gordon?
He shakes his head again.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
Well that does it! I must still be in my dream.
Rohan picks up a big rock and drops it on his foot. He remains calm and questions the young boy again.
ROHAN (CONT’D)
Not dreaming huh?
YOUNG BOY #1
Nope.
ROHAN
Thank You.
Rohan runs wildly, arms flailing. The young boy picks the rock up and throws it [off screen] in Rohan’s direction. [Thud]
ROHAN (CONT’D)
[Cowering low whisper] owwwwww.
CUT TO
Rohan is standing back at the front of the horde, holding an ice bag over his eye.

Thanks again guys :)

ps i'm also aware it's hard to critique if yoy don't know the whole idea but 'script stealers' are unfortunately out there.
 
Hey movie dude spot on mate, it is a cartoon. If my avatar didn't give it away already I inspire to make a Disney/pixar movie...... someday.
 
I'm a big fan of animated films. I think there's a lot of unsung creativity and storytelling that goes into today's animation. That said, the standard advice given to new writers is not to write animated scripts on speculation. On speculation, or "spec", is another way of saying you're writing it on your own with no solicitation / pay. Basically, most of the animation houses come up with their own ideas internally (or hire established writers they like). The script is almost trivial compared with the storyboard that they draft from the ground up.

But, there have been some people who wrote their own short animated script and actually paid someone to realize it or learned an animation technique themselves. But, that can obviously be quite expensive or difficult, even for a 15-minute short, let alone a 90-minute feature.

Also, I'd recommend reading a few produced feature-length screenplays to see the writing style. Most professional writers use a lot of action verbs and mostly avoid progressive tense and excessive conjugations of "to be." Also, there are a few grammatical problems in this sample that you should probably double-check.

I know it's scary to put your creative ideas into the public domain, but it's really hard to properly critique such a short blurb like this. There's not enough for me to understand the characters or conflicts. That said, good luck and keep writing!
 
Hey Eximious thanks for your reply and I will certainly take it on board. I understand what you say about animation companies taking inside ideas only, from either people hired by them or associate companies, which makes this project all the more daunting to me. I also have the almost impossible task of doing this from Australia, where I live, because the subject of script/screenplay creation is so lightly touched on here. After many hours of painful research it seems that it's a hard enough task of getting your work 'out there' in America let alone Australia. But never give up hey. Thanksfor the feedback mate. I also wander if I could grab your email, and get you to go over all I have so far, it would be much appreciated.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top