A Mystery with mathletes....

RyanT

RyanT

Veteran
Well, I've had this script around for a long while. I sorta started shooting it, but stopped and decided to do this for one of my school projects instead. I've rewritten the heck out of it, but I won't go on about the details. Here's a short synopsis.

While competing in a mathletes competition against their rival school, the Piedmont High mathletes team finds that all of their calculators have gone missing. They all have to come together and solve the mystery of the TI-83 bandit before their next big meet. Whodunnit? The screenplay will (hopefully) leave you guessing the whole way through.

Changed the link, here is the new one.
 
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otn

otn

I like the concept, but the dialogue is way to OTN. Need to pick up the pace via short quips and subtext. As it is, a real snoozer.

Also, use INSERT HEADLINE: 'BLA BLA BLA' when showing the reader newspapers or other 'to be read' media.

Shorten some of your action lines, especially the opening ones.

I assume you have written this to shoot yourself, but the script still needs to be in proper format. If this thing wins a contest, people will want to see the origin of the idea, shooting script.

A
 
What was wrong formatting wise? I always try to be right as far as that goes, no numbered scenes or something? I used celtx so I couldn't be TOO far off, I hope...

Thank you though, I've been working at this for a while just changing the story up and I feel like I just needed someone to tell me something...anything...Just so I could keep going at it. I'll try my best to see what I can do with the dialogue. When you say short quips though, what do you mean exactly by that?
 
Virus

Virus

Dude ... you have a virus attached to your site. I suggest you clean it up.

By short quips I mean some of your dialogue rambles on way to long to say what can be said in just a few words. This will put your audience to sleep.

I'll pull a few samples for you.
 
Action

Action

Firts the action lines ...

Take this, for example ...


INT. MATHLETES COMPETITION - DAY
Students sit at tables taking a test, as a proctor paces
around the room. One mathlete, ANDY, a tall well dressed
teenager, is working on a problem as he looks up and across
the room to the other table. We see a lone Japanese boy with
glasses scribbling furiously on his problem sheet. This is
KAWAMOTO TAKAHIRO. He looks up and gives a glare at the
other mathletes from across the room. Andy goes back to his
problem, reaching down to get a calculator from his bag.
It’s missing.

A few issues.

1. Don't using ING form verbs when at all possible. keep all verbs in the simple present ie, she takes, I take. Not 'taking'.

2. Action line should be three, four at the most lines. Otherwise it become novel.

3. You can't be INT. a competition. A classroom maybe, not an action.

4. You call the students 'mathletes' but how do we know that. Need a sign saying mathlete competiton' or something to tell the audience what is happening.

5. You mention sit at tables, but that is superfluous in that a classroom would likely have those, and students would likely be sitting if takinf a teast. All that extra reading slows down a read, and is too much gibberish for a director and perfomers to sift through looking for 'what is really going on'.

6. Andy doesn't have a last name, Takahiro does. Keep it consistent.

7. Takahiro reaches for his calculator, but how do we know that if it's in his bag, and two, it's missing. The following dialogue will expplain that.


If I were to re-write this ...


INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Students take a test as a Proctor paces. ANDY, a tall, well dressed teen, struggles with a calculation, glances at KAWAMOTO TAKAHIRO, an Asian teen in glasses.

Takahiro struggles, glares at the other students, reaches into his backpack.

Clean, to the point, not extra words to sift through.
​

 
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another example of poor writing

another example of poor writing

this action ...


INT. MATHLETES ROOM - NIGHT
The mathletes president, JOHNATHAN, a short 16-year old boy
yet to go through puberty, stands on a box. Behind him is a
projected image of someone wearing a gold ring taking a
calculator off of someones desk.

1. ''The mathletes president'' How do we know he's the President?

2. ''yet to go through puberty'' Unless his pants are down, I'm not going to know this.

Try 'small for his age', or some other way to evoke the immaturity.

3. ''Behind him is aprojected image of someone wearing a gold ring taking a
calculator off of someones desk.''

As a director, I would spend too much time trying to sort out what you meant. You need to write 'visually', as this is a visual media.

Do you mean CCTV images, or was the crime captured by cell phone movies? Some punks like to brag, and will make images of their own crimes. Maybe it is clear further down the script, but it sould be clear first time you mention it.

Just my two cents.


​

 
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Dialogue

Dialogue

This ...

Don't need the (cont'd). Should be obvious.




JOHNATHAN (cont’d)
Clifford Johanson. 18 years old.
Commonly known as the school bully.
Word is that he’s been moving on
from lunch money to bigger better
things. He may be stealing these
calculators and selling them
elsewhere for a major profit.

JOHNATHON
Clifford Johanson, affectionately reffered to as the Bully. Judging from his increase in size, he's moved on from stealing just lunch money.

This adds a little play into the dialogue instead of just deadpan speak.

Also, your characters are speaking with the same voice. Your voice. Need to develop them as unique persons.
​

 
Wow, I was really thinking that my action blocks were too long, but I didn't really think there was a way to shorten them too much. Hah, I guess I was a little wrong there, as your action lines are so much more concise than mine. These are all great suggestions though, I think I'm going to do another rewrite with these all in mind. Thanks!
 
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