6page short - feedback needed.

[redindian]

I have a 6page script, I'd like to get some feedback (as it looks dialogue heavy)

A REAL CONMAN

Logline:
When a parole officer he decides to expose a lie, he stumbles upon a real conman.

Synopsis:
Dwayne Hannigan is a retired parole officer with years of experience dealing with convicts, murderers and conmans. On a Sunday morning, he meets a young man who tells him a sob story looking for a handout. When his kind hearted wife falls for it, he sets out to teach her a real life lesson by exposing his lie. In the end he succeeds exposing the real conman.

EDITED LINK::: PIM IF YOU WANT TO READ IT

 

[wildgrace]

An interesting story. All the characters have back story. Well done.

Dialogue could use some work, it feels a bit long winded at the moment. Go back and shorten it.

Remeber to write only what the audience will actually see on the screen in the script. The audience can't see the outside of the house they are inside. They can't see that Dwayne is a retired police man.

Here's how I would rewrite the opening.

EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

A dog BARKS at ROLAND, 14, a lean African-American kid with blood shot eyes as he walks up a dirt driveway.

INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

JOANNA, 58, washes dishes. DWAYNE, 64, reads the newspaper.

Joanna looks outside the window.

JOANNE'S POV

Roland waits patiently at the door. The dog, BARKS, as Roland pets his head.

INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

Joanne "Some poor kid at the door."

Dwayne gets up and opens the door. He gives Roland the once over and notices his dirty clothes. Roland has a can of soup in his pocket.



I don't think Roland would just speak the whole sad story at this point. We don't go around telling strangers are sob stories. I'd have Roland start with "I'm collecting money for charity." Have Dwayne drag the full story out of Roland reluctantly. One reluctant detail at a time. I think Joanna would ask where the mother is. That's usually a normal first question in these sort of situations. Leaving a kid alone is pretty serious business. Page 4/5 - those are long dialogue sections. Think of dialogue music, with a rythym. Long dialogue passages slow the story down. Try breaking up them up.

Make them shorter. (I know what I am about to tell you will seem like a stupid rule - it can even be broken a few times in a script. But they force you to be spare with your words. Keep dialogue passages to no more than 4 lines. Same for the action/description passages. Long dialogue and action sections look intimidating. You don't want to scare the reader off. Short dialogue and action passages are more visually appealing. There's even a term for it -- Vertical Writing if I remember correctly.) Good, on page 4 you reveal Dwayne was a police officer. This is back story. When Dwayne talks about being conned in Disneyland, I suggest him saying when you (as in Joanna) got conned (as in he does not get conned). Kind of shows Joanna is the softie and he's the hero saving her from herself.

Not a bad ending. What if Dwayne drags Joanna with him. And we find everything the kid told us is true, except for one detail. Say Roland says his Dad was wearing a blue shirt when he died and we get there and see that it is green. I think this might have more impact (shows us Dwayne only focussed on the one lie and not rest of the truth) Or not. Take what you can use and toss the rest. The story has potential, good luck with the rewrite. PS. What was easier to read. The early part with "white space" or the bottom part with longer paragraphs? PPS I like the logline and synopsis.

Would only make a few small changes to the logline and synopsis. - THE CON MAN - Logline: When a parole officer decides to expose a lie, he stumbles upon a real conman. Synopsis: Dwayne Hannigan, a retired parole officer with years of experience with convicted felons, meets a teenager who tells him a sob story hoping for a handout. When his kind hearted wife falls for it, he sets out to teach her a real life lesson by exposing the young delinquent. In the end he succeeds in exposing a real con artist. ( I don't like to see the word con artist used twice in the same paragraph).

 

[redindian]

great feedback! very good points... about the rhymn of dialogues.. and the crisper opening...

thanks for taking time to read it...!

 

[Charli]

When you start a script use -- FADE IN:

There is no need to use last names for character names. Also work on your character description, such as: JOANNA, her hair teased and dons an apron, looks like she stepped out of the fifties. -- this type of character description lets us know that she is old-fashioned and motherly. if you will notice I did not mention her age. It is not needful to mention exact age. You can say things such as: she looks older than she feels, or, she's too young to know any better. though in some ways it is telling about the character, it is better to add a little flavor to how you describe them.

Since you are beginning with the interior of a house your Master slugline should read: COUNTRY HOUSE KITCHEN.

Again, described the young boy by stating he's old enough to stand up for himself but not old enough to take care of himself -- something along those lines. you may also want to mention that his eyes are swollen to show that he has been crying.

If the young boy is from Louisiana, his syntax should demonstrate that. I would also have Dwayne rifle questions at the boy, have been the boy say yes or no sir at least three times before the woman interjects.

in your dialogue remembered that less is more, be straight into the point. punch it up some.

If Dwayne walks out of his house that is another slugline: EXT: COUNTRY HOUSE DRIVEWAY. if you then show shot inside the pickup, that too is another slugline: INT: PICKUP TRUCK

then it's another slug like to show the street as you have already. then there is another slugline when he returns to his driveway: EXT: COUNTRY HOUSE DRIVEWAY.

the slugline is determined by the camera direction. each time you change location you must enter another slugline. when you're finished with a script add: FADE OUT:

Nice twist.

Charli

 

[Captain KickAss]

I don't think Roland would just speak the whole sad story at this point. We don't go around telling strangers are sob stories. I'd have Roland start with "I'm collecting money for charity." Have Dwayne drag the full story out of Roland reluctantly. One reluctant detail at a time.

I could not disagree more. I think at this point in the film, you want to maintain the possibility the Roland is indeed trying to pull a con. Having dealt with a few con artists myself, I can say from experience that they want to get their sob story out there. They want you to feel sorry from them. They want to throw in just enough details to make it sound believable, to build a connection between what you know, and what they are trying to sell you.

When I first read this, Roland's words felt very con-esque to me. Maybe not a good con, but hints of a con were evident. This fuels Dwaynes suspicions and doubts. I like the way that Dwayne currently fishes for innacuracies, it really shows his nature. And with Roland's nervousness, this plays upon the possibility the whole thing could be a con.

If you were to have Roland asking for charity, you would be making him a con man, something as a character...he really is not.

Beyond that though, it does seem odd to me that a law enforcement officer wouldn't be a little more concerned about a dead body along the side of the road...nor for that matter why noone would suggest calling the coroner.

But then again, I am not sure as to when this film is supposed to take place.

 

[redindian]

Beyond that though, it does seem odd to me that a law enforcement officer wouldn't be a little more concerned about a dead body along the side of the road...nor for that matter why noone would suggest calling the coroner.

But then again, I am not sure as to when this film is supposed to take place.

Dwayne in an effort not to be proven wrong may have tried to hide that fact - like shutting his mind off the whole episode by cheating himself of the reality.

But you are right, I should not have made him a law enforcement official... maybe a farmer or something.... and since he has been already conned once, he is super suspicious of anyone...

 

[redindian]

When I first read this, Roland's words felt very con-esque to me. Maybe not a good con, but hints of a con were evident. This fuels Dwaynes suspicions and doubts. I like the way that Dwayne currently fishes for innacuracies, it really shows his nature. And with Roland's nervousness, this plays upon the possibility the whole thing could be a con.

Yes, thats exactly what I tried to portray... infact, I wanted the viewers to be sure that its an obvious con (like nigerian con)

Thanks for reading and analysing....

 

[redindian]

Nice twist.

Charli

Thanks for liking the twist One reader told me it didnt ring true... so whenever someone likes it I am happy

As for the sluglines - I wanted to keep it very minimum... as there seems to be a lot of words in dialogues.... lol...

but in an argument scenario people talk a LOT... lot of accusations, and raising voices in an effort to convince the other side.... maybe i should edit it more to make it as 1-2 line exchanges rather than a 6line monologues... or make them talk at the same time...
The point there was that DWAYNE doesnt like to be proven wrong, and JOANNA as a submissive women who respects her husband (as he seems smarter)

as Captain Kickass said, maybe I shd rethink his retired parole officer tag...

Thanks again for reading it...

 

[elvworks]

Here ya go.

Here ya go.

I read it and as I was reading it, I was very curious to how it was going to end up. That kept me reading so the intrigue is there.

As far as the story, I see how the old cop is the real con. But the story overall honestly didn't do anything for me. My whole question of the story is "What's the point?" I do not mean to be harsh, but realistic. Also, I didn't feel any better, or pretty much of anything after reading it.

Putting it plainly, it was boring for me. Not that it was bad, but it wasn't great.

All the best to you,
Rick

 

[elvworks]

Addition to review

Addition to review

Now that I had a little time to think about your script, I would like to say you definitely have some storytelling skills. I think what killed this story was the content/subject matter.

I don't know about anyone else but reading about an old cop and some kid begging for money, and this situation that hardly seems real, just doesn't do it for me.

So I have no suggestions for this script except to scrap it and take all the experience you learned and start on your next one.

Don't feel so bad, some of the scripts online, I can't even get passed the first page and yours I finished.

Rick

 

[Charli]

As far as keeping the sluglines to a minimum, you must then keep your scene
changes to a minimum. Sluglines tells the director there's a scene change.
There is no way around this other than to limit you scenes.

Charli