5 page screenplay that needs FEEDBACK!

PS. FIRST POST!
Looking forward to becoming a regular poster on these boards and getting to know you all!
 
Not bad.

The beginning is over-complicated - why not just start with him hailing the cab?

I'd make the cabbie over-talkative, cheerfully babbling on even when his passenger isn't responding, and continuing later when he has no reason to still be talking, thus making him creepier. The passenger can be quite monosyllabic, barely needs to say anything.

Your plot relies too much on the location of the phone, which logically the cabbie can't control. Maybe the cabbie was actually lying, which the passenger only discovers too late?

And not sure about the stabbing - to me, the ending would be creepier if victims were only incapacitated.
 
Last edited:
Clang - thank you for your suggestions. Very much appreciated.

I agree with all your suggestions. In my next draft I will likely shorten the beginning sequences (if not cut them out altogether), and will add a bit more tension in the cab ride. About the reliance on the location of the phone - I totally agree. I just have to think of a way that the cabbie can make Danny feel that relief in the end, before attacking him...
 
Since Danny's tired/drunk/high, he'd probably fall for "Here's your wallet" when seeing a generic-looking black wallet being waved at him. Either he doesn't notice until too late that he still has his own wallet, or make him a little more dislikeable and he's happy to pretend the offered wallet is his, again only realising too late that the bait is more than it seems.
 
I like the wallet idea as well, with Danny being so relieved that he doesn't even check whether he has his or not. This will also be a big relief for the audience, and you can really hit them hard with the stabbing. This would work better if Danny was a more likable character; being drunk is fine, but I think that there is unnecessary profanity.
 
Here's the new draft available for download, if anyone's still interested.

Let me know if it's improved or not!

Clang - Don't mind that I kept the phone part that you didn't find convincing. I'm planning on changing it in subsequent drafts once I can figure out how to do it.

Astro - Thanks for the feedback, I didn't get to read it it before writing this new draft though, but I will keep it in mind for the next one!


DRAFT #3: http://www.4shared.com/get/81aTxDxn/THETRIP190411.html
 
There are two possible directions you could go in with Danny's personality (he does seem pretty bland at the moment):
- make him likeable, so the audience can identify with him and empathise with his situation
- or alternatively you could make him an anti-hero, an unpleasant unlikeable person (perhaps carrying a weapon), and the audience then becomes unsure who will be the victim
In either case, I think the drama and tension is stronger if the cabbie is kept enigmatic, right up until the end the audience should be on tenterhooks as to whether he's odd but nice or odd but nasty.

And both characters' personalities will be revealed through conversation, not only what they say but how they say it. That still needs work, a lot of the current dialogue sounds like anyone could say it.
 
Hope you don't mind, but when I review scripts I like to address details. Here's my take. Comments are preceeded by *.

Pg 2
Everything he can hear begins to echo in his skull, slowly growing louder and louder.
*How do you plan to show this?

The cabbie breaks the silence.
*Delete - novelistic

The thunderous echoes in Danny’s head fade away.
*How do you plan to show this? Screenplays are visual.

It seems to be coming from inside the boot.
*Novelistic. The SFX either is or isn't coming from the boot/truck and the actors attention should show this. Give the camera visuals and limited acting direction. Example:
DANNY
(mumbles)
Yeah. Good night...

The trees flash past the window. An occasional light flickers across Danny's closed eyes.
Until, the taxi suddenly jolts Danny awake with a thump.

CABBIE
(nervous)
Bloody potholes.

Danny cranes his head to see the road conditions ahead, but his attention is drawn away as he thinks he hears another muffled thump coming from the boot. The cabbie eyes his curiosity via the rearview mirror and quickly cuts in...

*Note above, instead of writing BEAT, visuals were given to show passage of time, before the pothole.

Pg 3
I just noticed the use of CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) on each page.
*This is old school. Of course each page is a continuation of the one prior. Ever got to the end of a page and got lost about what to do next? :) Simplify the white space and dump them.

DANNY
Oh, okay.
*Delete. The action tells us what we need to know.

Yeah, um, could you let me out at that petrol station up ahead? I’ll walk the rest. I’m not feelin’ very good.
*Reverse last two sentences.

They drive past the petrol station. Danny watches it go by and begins to panic. His eyes dart around and the sound of his heartbeat begins to ring louder and louder, slowly overpowering everything else.
*Novelistic. We can't see "panic" nor do we hear his heartbeat unless the plan is to SFX it. Maybe-
Danny watches the petrol station fade past his window. Sweat beads on his forehead and his eyes dart from the door handle to the driver watching him in the rearview mirror.

Please! I really think I just need to walk this off. Just let me out here. Please. Just let me out!
*Not realistic dialogue. How about "I'm gonna be sick."

Okay! Alright!
*again not required. Simplify.

The driver holds up his hand in understanding and pulls over.

Pg 4
from the curb.
*Curb? Had no visuals prior to show they weren't driving in the country.

The cabbie calls out. CABBIE Good night, brother!
*Delete

It’s not the cabbie.
*Show us not tell. What do we see? A different old man driving? Different color cab?

DANNY (terror-stricken) Hooooly poo poo...
*This would be over acting and direction. Agree, he would be concerned when the taxi spins around.

Danny makes a run for it.
The cab chases after him.
*Over simplified. Here is a chance to use visuals. How about-
Danny bolts in the opposite direction feet pounding the pavement. Gaining headlights glare behind him.

Pg 5
SERIES OF SHOTS:
*Same goes for this series. Give us the visuals. Don't over or under simplify.

wire gate.
*What is this doing in an alleyway. Describe.

His heart is beating out of his chest.
*Novelistic unless there is SFX.

Pg 6
- A body dragging along cement.
*Novelistic. I take it the visual is still black.

Pg 7
THE END
*Hmmmm. The story is unresolved. Turns out to be a day in the life of a serial killer, which is not a story. "Why" is not explained and "how" is the kidnapping stopping the main character from achieving their goal? What was the main characters goal? Just to get home?
 
I cant download from this website its goin again and again to the same page when i press download ,dont know why the messed up their code,i remember it working cause i used it before but now its irritating place to host your files.
Anyway from what i see above ,the line "Bloody potholes" should be dropped if action is not placed in UK ,its typical UK resident slang.
 
I read the 2nd draft I guess?

The cabbie wouldn't be nervous at all, not talking over the bumping, etc. If he was worried about the passenger finding out about the other person in the trunk, he wouldn't have picked him up in the first place. Maybe he would pick up the passenger for a death-ride. But let him out just to mess with him / get him in the trunk.

Or, you could go with clang's idea. Keep the audience on their toes. The cabbie is just odd. Then BAM! Serial killer.

While we're on the subject, why is the cabbie middle eastern? I would probably have him be either Eastern European or just some plain white guy. Eastern European, because maybe he's selling kidneys on the black market. Or just a white guy, because serial killers are white guys. I don't know if it's like this in real life, but there are no middle eastern serial killers in any movie I've ever seen, and I'm probably not going to buy it any time soon.
 
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