5 min. Short

N

NashvilleActors

Member
Here's a 5 min short I wrote.

It's still in the "rough" if you will. I'm going to finish it and film it to put in my personal catalog.

Let me know what you think.
It deals with the peer pressure of sex and how it can come back on the OTHER side. :thumbsup:




Thanks
 

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I'm afraid this didn't really do anything for me. You took an idea that's been around since the egg and sperm first decided it might be a good idea to hook up and didn't really bring anything new to the table... at all.

On the plus side, the dialog sounded plausible and rarely forced. You've got a good ear for colloquial lingo. Keep it up.

Kick up the ante, bring something new to the table. Give me some reason to read your script, watch your film. It doesn't matter if it's weird or cheesy, just try something. Anything.
 
First, too much description. Why does it matter what they're wearing?

"He walks over to his bed, we see BRITTANY CARTER, 17, very
pretty, curious virgin, wearing a skirt with a matching top." How does the audience know that Brittany is a 'curious virgin'?

"The house is quiet, the mood of the room is dim." Is 'dim' a mood? How do you visualize that?

"Eric sits on the bed and lean towards Brittany, rubbing her
sheens slowly." What's a 'sheen'?

"Brittany releases herself from Eric’s arms." You can't release yourself -- somebody has to do it for you. She could 'remove' herself, or 'extricate' herself -- only Eric can 'release' her.

My only other minor question is -- why did you give the characters last names, if the audience is never going to hear them?

Now, the story itself just seems like a beginning -- no middle, no end. It's the start of something, like the first couple of scenes setting the stage for a longer story. But by itself, it's got no point. If I watched the finished film, at the end I'd be saying, "Yeah? Then what happened?"

Dialogue is generally pretty good. It just needs a complete story. Keep going!
 
StefanHaynes said:
I'm afraid this didn't really do anything for me. You took an idea that's been around since the egg and sperm first decided it might be a good idea to hook up and didn't really bring anything new to the table... at all.

On the plus side, the dialog sounded plausible and rarely forced. You've got a good ear for colloquial lingo. Keep it up.

Kick up the ante, bring something new to the table. Give me some reason to read your script, watch your film. It doesn't matter if it's weird or cheesy, just try something. Anything.
Click to expand...

Hi NashvilleActors,

Ditto here - you've got a foundation, now it's time to add some intrigue to the story and characters. As it is now, the script is missing the character's dramatic need; we must go far deeper than describing the fundamental emotional phenomenon associated with the need to procreate. I recommend Peter Dunn's "Emotion Structure - A Guide For Screenwriters." I assure you that after reading just the first chapter, the emotional tone in your story writing will change dramatically. Or if you're more of an auditory/visual learner, I recommend Syd Field's DVD, The Screenwriter Workshop.

And as chapelgrovefilms states, the story lacks an ending. Remember ACT III is all about resolution - even if you're telling an existentialism story, it currently ends on a hollow note. If you're truly compelled to end on this note, at least give the audience a modicum of irony so they feel they're walking away with a useful message (unless you're target audience for a parent to show to their teen daughter).

Warm Regards, Michael
 
Hey, great replies.

I have a question, any ideas on how do I add more to a story, that's meant to be a 5 min short? Any ideas on to make it more dramatic and etc?



Thanks
 
reduce what you have already to a page. Pace it faster. Then you'll have an extra 3-4 minutes for your second and third act. I would use two and half min to tell the second act and about a minute to conclude.

Sounds crazy, but it can be done. Think of a 30 second commercial and how much info can be put out in that short a time. It can even be emotional and suspenseful and still be very short.
 
HerzogisGod said:
reduce what you have already to a page. Pace it faster. Then you'll have an extra 3-4 minutes for your second and third act. I would use two and half min to tell the second act and about a minute to conclude.

Sounds crazy, but it can be done. Think of a 30 second commercial and how much info can be put out in that short a time. It can even be emotional and suspenseful and still be very short.
Click to expand...

Oh I see, it's challenging. I can do it though, it shall be fun.
 
Rehi,

Perhaps it's best to restructure what you've got from a traditional structure viewpoint:

1. ACT I - Beginning/setup
2. Transitional Plot Point
3. ACT II - Confrontation
4. Transitional Plot Point
5. ACT III - Resolution

Care to try something different? Here's an approach beginning with a flash-back.

ACT I - Begin with the first half of page 5, lengthening it to a full page (add a few tidbits that illustrate or hint at Eric's character flaws - see ACT II). Perhaps you could begin with a scene of Eric's relationship with family/friends and driving style en-route to Brittany's home. End ACT I with Brittany hands Eric a piece of paper (before Eric looks up showing his expression, ending with a flash back to...

ACT II - (shorten page 1-4 to maybe 2 pages (not more than 3 pages), focus on character development. Perhaps Eric is spoiled, always getting his way with loose values, carefree and irresponsible. Or maybe he's an Ivy-league preppie, planning to become a Doctor. Perhaps Brittany has security issues (financial, appearance, social, family, whatever). You get the idea - tell us more about their strengths/weaknesses. End ACT II recapping the later segment of ACT I where Eric looks at the paper - this time we see it's an ultrasound and see Eric's look of resentment.

ACT III - Okay, you've got a page or so to develop your resolution - go get 'em!

Of course, there's a million ways you can cut this; my outline was to provide a novel approach to structure ACT I & II, incorporating transitional plot points.

Have fun, Michael
 
Yes ChapelGrove, now that you mention it, how could NashvilleActors have done that? Seriously though, while we traditionally start with the resolution/ending in Act III, it's not a hard and fast rule any more than beginning with either the story or the characters. Here NashvilleActors began with character develop and I think we'd all agree the story has yet to evolve - not a serious problem. Either way, the script typically goes through many interations of changes so to each their own. But being 70 percent left-brained myself, I'm with you ChapelGrove.

Warm Regards, Michael
 
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