3 Page Short

RyanT

RyanT

Veteran
I'm in the midst of writing my first short for school. The only real limitations I have are:

-3 Page screenplay
-2 Characters
-1 location

Here's my through-line for those of you seeking a little bit more as to what it's about.

"A stressed out middle aged business man gets stuck in an elevator with a mysterious stranger who helps him realize that his work life is not everything."

Click here for RTF version

Don't have much else to say except critiques are welcome (and encouraged). Thanks for the comments in advance.
 
Wow. I really liked that, except for...

JOHN
Yeah, I've got a few little girls






I dont think anyone ever says they have "a few" kids. Maybe change that to a specific number.
 
Now that I think of it that is a little weird.

So I changed it to two and all is well! Thanks.
 
macintosh said:
Your school is allowing you to use "f--k?" Wow.
Click to expand...

I would laugh if they didn't considering the amount that they swear themselves. It's a pretty lax school I have to say.
 
Haha, cool.
Well the script is pretty good, I agree with PTO's comment though. Good luck with the projeect.
 
I think this is a really good start. Your dialogue is *this* close to being spot on -- I think you're using a bit too much exposition to explain the action, which is unnecessary in a visual medium. For example:

JOHN
I don't know what the hell's wrong with you, but I usually don't enjoy being stuck in an elevator when I've got this **** to turn in.
KEN
Oh come on, being stuck in this elevator is probably the best thing that's happened to you in a while.

Could be:
JOHN
F*** that, I've got shi* to turn in!

KEN
Oh, c'mon. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you.


Remember, people tend to speak in bursts. Fragments. Simple sentences. That's just my two cents. But with the space you save, you could add some more interaction between the two which I think would be cool. Assuming you have to have 3 pages, of course.

Good luck!

Fox
 
Just to add to what Jason said, read it aloud. Better yet, have the actors read it aloud. You'll know instantly if the dialogue is wordy or flows.

When we write, the words sound great in our head. Then when they're read aloud, well, it often doesn't sound like we thought it would.
 
i am jealous.

does your school shoot on video or film?

everything i am shooting first semester is MOS...but it is film which is cool.
 
thematthewbone said:
i am jealous.

does your school shoot on video or film?

everything i am shooting first semester is MOS...but it is film which is cool.
Click to expand...

What's MOS? We shoot everything on video though. We start out on Z1U's and then later on move on to the HVX.

I see what you're saying though Jason and I think doing a little bit of what Blaine was talking about(reading it aloud) would really help this. To be honest I haven't done that once yet, and I'm sure I'll find out rather quickly if it is wordy or not.
 
RyanT said:
What's MOS?
Click to expand...

Obviously (ha!) MOS means With Out Sound. MOS is supposedly a jumble of English and German: Mit Out Sound or Mit Out Sprechen. Shooting MOS means shooting video only.
 
Well I didnt feel enough drama in it. The dialogue overall felt kind of contrived, like you were driving the story and not your characters. Certainly there is opportunity to find something in the scene the way its set up etc.
 
i dont agree in adding more drama. I think it would be to much. I would have even like more understatment or the two guys never looking at each other. well, that adds drama then, i think.
 
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