3 page script i've written.

I read it. I don't think you should have the VO telling people what the protagonist is experiencing and what the reader is about to experience. For example you say something like "It was one of the scariest and most humiliating experiences". In fact, I'd try rewriting this with no VO.
 
Etrizz - Have you heard this story somewhere else? Like, on someone's website? Because, it sounds like the V.O is nearly word-for-word from somewhere else.
 
no. some kid from my hometown died a couple months ago by autoerotic asphyxiation and i'd been sitting on the idea for a while.
 
If you want the audience to be told exactly what the main character is feeling, you should leave it as a short story. Film isn't meant to say specifically what's going on in the character's head, it's a visual medium and you're supposed to tell a story visually. What you're doing now is relying on the voiceover as a crutch and using the visual as filler to keep the audience engaged. I'm not gonna tell you that's the "wrong" way to go about things, but I don't see you pulling off a successful short that way.

That said, the other issue I see is that there's no payoff. His mom rescues him, okay, but then what? What has he learned? How has he changed? It's like writing a film about a guy who goes to the store and buys a candy bar and walks home. What have you given the audience to take away from this? That people do this kind of thing? Sure, people do, but then what? His incident needs to affect him in some way that causes him to be different at the outcome. There's got to be a payoff at the end that warrants this movie, or else it's simply a scene in a bigger picture.

Your writing is good enough, you've just got to look at the bigger picture and answer the question, "Why am I telling this story?"
 
I think the idea is actually pretty funny. I can see using V.O. some at the beginning - but towards the middle I would move away from it and just "show" - it will work because the audience knows he's going to try and repeat the scene. Maybe bring back the V.O. in the end to close.

Q: Why does he want to jack-off to CCR?

Q: Is a shower-rod really that strong? Where I'm from, they barely hold up the damn shower curtain - let alone a human.

Something about the ending needs to change - I can't say what exactly - just that it needs to change.

Good luck.
 
I have to say I found it interesting. It's a very interesting starting place. Needs some "focusing" though. I think the voice over will work for you, especially in such a short story. But I think there needs to be a "punchline" or something.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top