2-page Script

Eric Boellner

Eric Boellner

Well-known member
Hey guys, I rewrote a formerly 6-page script down to 2 pages the other day. I'm hoping to shoot it at some point soon, but I just wondered if anyone on here would be interested in reading it real quick and dropping a little feedback my way.

Thanks in advance! (BTW, the site kind of thins the letters and makes it hard to read - it looks much better if you click "Download" and then just click "Open with Adobe Reader" or whatever pops up on your screen (I'd prefer if you didn't save the document to your computer)).

http://www.scribd.com/doc/49969054/Second-Round-2nd-Draft

Specifically looking for:

Does the ending make sense? The "punch line," if you will?

Thanks!

Michael Traven
TravenFilm@gmail.com
 
Link says:

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Haha, sorry. I figured just copying the URL I was seeing it on would work. I can't find the "direct link," so I just decided to make it public. :)
 
i think this is visually cool!
I didnt quite get the joke
my take was that he is isnt a cool international killer
but killing? someone at home?
 
Thanks John! Sorry, I probably shouldn't have used the term "punch line" without explaining. To me, the best scripts are written in the form that the best jokes are told. There is a strong set-up and a strong pay-off. I often use "punch line" and "pay-off" interchangeably. Meaning there isn't a "joke," per se, but a pay-off.

And yes, the idea behind it (the next portion of the post contains spoilers - it's written in dark grey text, highlight to see text clearly) is that Weathers is a new recruit for presumably the CIA, but he's killing at home instead of abroad. The pay-off is when he makes that (hopefully) clear, by saying "I thought I'd be killing Russians." But I'm not sure if that's entirely clear. You seemed to understand though, at least mostly. :)

Did you feel like there was enough of a story being told? Or at least enough for this brief moment of a larger story? I wanted it to feel like there was a lot that had happened before we cut in and a lot that was going to happen afterward, but the key point was right here where he kind of has the epiphany after his first kill.

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it. :)

Michael Traven
TravenFilm@gmail.com
 
Right, I was looking for a joke. I get it that it's not what he pictured for his first assignment.

Probably some things you can use to ramp up tht feeling in the description when he enters the room of his first kill.

Of course, if you take it too far it'll cut into comedy , when are you going to shootit?
 
Not sure when I'm going to shoot. Probably in a week or so. My life has been insanely busy, between my day job and handling the social networking for a film my friend is shooting on the 31st. Thanks again for the feedback, though! :)
 
I think it works surprisingly well for an ultra-short (a form, aside from commercials, that I'm not sure otherwise exists!). I find short films maddeningly hard to write, much more so than features if you factor out page count. Tough to create a coherent story/character arc in such a short time. But I think you did so about about as well as I could imagine considering it's a real-time sequence (as opposed to using rapid cuts/time compression to include larger amounts of narrative, implied or expressed - again like in commercials). So nice job...

My only question is, why so short? If it doesn't *have* to be that length for some good reason, I'd be inclined to go for more story.

But again, I think you did very well within its ultra-short form limitations.
 
Thanks so much, Ted! As to why it's so short, it was originally 6 pages, and kind of revealed the "twist" a bit more, but when I read through it, it just felt too expository for a short film. And ultimately, kind of unnecessary. I really liked the first scene, but then the rest just felt kind of "meh." So, I thought screw it. The first scene gets the same emotional point across without belaboring or exposition.
 
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