1st page introduction

[Ionian Enchanter]

Greetings!
My name is norton.
I'm an absolute amateur, not a writer. I've never taken a class and never really did that well in high school English. lol I've always been good at creating ideas and understanding large concepts though.
They say write what you know, so i did just that.
I've written an epic sci-fi movie series over the last 5 years.
I'm not trying to build a writing career, i'm attempting to get this movie made. Since the sheer odds against that happening was obvious to me, i figured one of the best routes to take was to make it so insanely awesome to read, anyone who read it would instantly want to watch it on the big screen!
Where it goes from there is another matter of course, but hey....
With my subject material and knowledge of not only established genre norms of sci-fi, but the (mostly)theoretical sciences under pinning the various technologies as well. Basically, i know what's been done and how i can make it better.

Now, i want to again point out i'm not a writer, i'm just writing this. I don't feel my technique or dialogue is too strong... which i'll be working on with this, the 3rd draft... i feel it is my ideas and how i portray them that makes my script a great read.

So, here is my first page.
I feel it's a very good representation of the rest of the script. The overall feeling is the same, the writing style, brutality and mistakes.... can't forget about those.
Like the one part going on about the history of the war and whatnot. I read that you should only write what is seen.... so i think i'm at least riding the line on sh*te like that. Either way, i tried to keep it efficient and to the point.
Also, much of the film is moved along by imagery, rather than dialogue. It's no 2001, but getting there. ;D

Let me know what you think.
Criticism is always welcomed!
Thanks!

norton

 

[Eximious]

It takes a lot of courage to post up a first page, so I'll give you my no-frills feedback:

What's Helping?
-Visuals. You articulate some nice descriptions.
-Conflict. You establish a problem.

What Needs Refinement?
-Explanatory prose. "Here the 100,000 year war ends..." You can sometimes get away with this, but how would a director translate that to the screen? It might work for a novel, but you'll have to brainstorm some creative solutions to communicate the idea through visuals or dialogue.
-Originality. I love Star Wars, but what makes this unique? Is this "just another" space opera?

That noted, I would have continued reading if there had been more pages. I certainly don't say that about all selections that I read. Also, don't undermine your credibility so much. If you tell everyone that you're a terrible writer, it'll usually submarine their perceptions before they even read the first word! Humility is great, but don't beat yourself up too much.

Keep on keepin' on.

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

Greetings Eximious.

Thank you for the feedback.

1) I am quite confident in my script. I feel it has great potential to become a stellar movie. ;D Sharing it and getting incite is worth most ricks to me.
2) That part is what i was talking about in my first post. It's not something that would included in the movie. I feel it is important for the reader to be aware of that fact, but the audience can go without knowing. I have 16 episodes planned out, so most everything will be explained. This part isn't so much about the 1st viewing, as it is about seeing it after learning about the Ubel and their origins in other episodes. I know some might say drop it, as it's not really relevant to this particular plot, but it does setup a bit of Ubel back story.
I personally hate scenes that describe things for the audience to blatantly... since this isn't a stand alone movie, i need not explain anything more than i need to.
Does that make sense? Am i off the hook? lol
3) I would not consider this a generic sci-fi. In the literary world, sci-fi comes in 2 flavors: Soft and hard. For those unfamiliar with the sci-fi genre, Star Wars would be soft, while Star Trek would be hard.
My series relies heavily on technologies. The way i present/reinvent them is the key. Anyone familiar with the new Battlestar Gallactica series can attest, simply doing space battles in a more realistic way can change the whole dynamic of the scenes. I do this with a few things, turn well worn technologies on their head. I also add quite the "nova touch"(educational CG space programs) to this series.
This is a story in space, told by someone who knows how beautiful space can be.
Without really going into details, that's about as best as i can describe it.
4) I'm glad you wanted to keep reading.... not that hard after only giving you one page lol, but still a good sign. My friend, who's worked on several screenplays in her day, said she didn't put it down till she was done. Took it on the bus and everything. She said it was one of the quickest reads in her experience... the only thing that hurt me was the multiple locations, which while not too many, are still more numerous than your average script.
5) I never said i was a terrible writer, i said i wasn't strong. Being good at something rather quickly is a long cry from having an extended, educated, writing filled career under your belt. Most of you should be able to write circles around me... but this series is mine and i f*cking own it! I indeed wrote what i knew. ;D

Thanks again eh!

norton

It takes a lot of courage to post up a first page, so I'll give you my no-frills feedback:

What's Helping?
-Visuals. You articulate some nice descriptions.
-Conflict. You establish a problem.

What Needs Refinement?
-Explanatory prose. "Here the 100,000 year war ends..." You can sometimes get away with this, but how would a director translate that to the screen? It might work for a novel, but you'll have to brainstorm some creative solutions to communicate the idea through visuals or dialogue.
-Originality. I love Star Wars, but what makes this unique? Is this "just another" space opera?

That noted, I would have continued reading if there had been more pages. I certainly don't say that about all selections that I read. Also, don't undermine your credibility so much. If you tell everyone that you're a terrible writer, it'll usually submarine their perceptions before they even read the first word! Humility is great, but don't beat yourself up too much.

Keep on keepin' on.

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

98 thread views, with only 9 pdf views... nice!

 

[odetotud]

I checked it out awhile back just didn't respond. It was enjoyable but I would agree with Eximious. I know you mention that some things the audience won't see but you want the reader too. I would say that the reader is your audience or thats how I look at it.

Would definately read more tho, so nice job.

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

Thanks Odetotud!
But if i can only write what is visually seen, how would i go about describing that particular fact?
Did it help the scene by me mentioning that? Could you have done without it?
Also, i have taken similar liberties with characters, is that frowned upon?
Like i said, in all instances where i deviate from visual descriptions, i've tried to keep it as short and to the point as possible, so as not to venture into novel territory.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Thanks.

I checked it out awhile back just didn't respond. It was enjoyable but I would agree with Eximious. I know you mention that some things the audience won't see but you want the reader too. I would say that the reader is your audience or thats how I look at it.

Would definately read more tho, so nice job.

 

[p3anut]

Hey Ionian Enchanter. Read your first page and more or less completely agree with Eximious and Odetotud. I definitely would have read on. In terms of how to portray that this is the end of a 100,000 year old war visually, I have no idea, but that is the only issue I could see. Good Job.

 

[Randall_Oelerich]

It is an interesting scene -- kept my attention, but very similar to scenes from dozens of space films and tv shows that have been done. What will be more important is the story itself-- the concept, originality, plot, characters, turning points, theme. Sci-fi is probably the hardest spec to sell to a studio because of the budget, so you are going to have to have a really compelling story and golden script to make a spec sale as an unsold writer. I wish you the best. Now go write 109 more pages just as compelling as that first page and you might have a winner!

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

Thanks p3anut!
Most of my readers say it's the most enjoyable read they've had in a long time, so i'm glad you guys agree.... for the 1st page at least.
I think i'm just not gonna worry about any non-visual descriptions i have, as no one here has of yet pointed out the 1st one and have only focused on the 2nd... for one reason or another.
Thanks for taking the time!

Hey Ionian Enchanter. Read your first page and more or less completely agree with Eximious and Odetotud. I definitely would have read on. In terms of how to portray that this is the end of a 100,000 year old war visually, I have no idea, but that is the only issue I could see. Good Job.

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

Ya, sci-fi can be a real b*tch of a genre. Most people just add spaceships and lasers to another genre and call it sci-fi *cough, lucas, cough*
My sci-fi buff buddy who read it compared it to Asimov's work, the way i comfortably describe the tech and use of it... or something. lol Basically, it doesn't just feel like some generic sci-fi, it's a universe unto it's own.
This can be best highlight(imo) by the fact that no one really notices that there is no main character, until we're talking about it. I keep getting "Wow, i never even noticed, but you're right, there isn't." I know many of you might think that's insane, no main protagonist, but it's true and apparently works quite well.
I'm currently looking around for a professional reader that's into sci-fi. I'm gonna send it to a "normal" reader as well, to see how it fares with someone who doesn't know sub-space from hyperspace, but i'd like the opinion of a pro reader who knows the genre in and out too.
Anyhoo, thanks for taking the time Randall... and the encouragement!

It is an interesting scene -- kept my attention, but very similar to scenes from dozens of space films and tv shows that have been done. What will be more important is the story itself-- the concept, originality, plot, characters, turning points, theme. Sci-fi is probably the hardest spec to sell to a studio because of the budget, so you are going to have to have a really compelling story and golden script to make a spec sale as an unsold writer. I wish you the best. Now go write 109 more pages just as compelling as that first page and you might have a winner!