Last Breath: A short film (Need reviews/feedback)

So, Samuel went to the wrong Dad, meanwhile claudio is watching this from his death bed?

I like your writing, but I'm a bit confused to the story.

If I'm correct, then isn't it a coincidence that the man is beside Claudio? Why did the man take Samuel in the first place?

Robbie
 
Not bad. The ending was definitely a surprise. But some of your grammar is in serious need of correction. Other then that I'm liking it.
 
There is an indie movie that was shot over a year ago called Last Breath (should be out soon), so you might want to rethink your title to avoid any confusion.
 
ChipG said:
There is an indie movie that was shot over a year ago called Last Breath (should be out soon), so you might want to rethink your title to avoid any confusion.
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Or, you could string it as "Claudio's Last Breath". Make it more personal.
 
Robbie Comeau said:
So, Samuel went to the wrong Dad, meanwhile claudio is watching this from his death bed?

I like your writing, but I'm a bit confused to the story.

If I'm correct, then isn't it a coincidence that the man is beside Claudio? Why did the man take Samuel in the first place?

Robbie
Click to expand...

Ok I guess I need to clear up the story. Yes, it is a coincidence that both men are in the same room, and both are sick. The man took Samuel because he stole him, it's not explained because it leaves it up in the air. There are many cases of child contraband in south america, so I guess I wanted to show that side. Claudio is going back into his past and recalling that one thing that made him feel b bad about his life. He abandoned his child, but when he repented, it was too late. Then, because of some reason, the man who kidnapped Samuel, ended up being his father, and being good enough for his son to come see him in his deathbed too.
 
What about "Final Breath?" ... I bunch of members here shot a horror film (Last Breath) on an hvx that is pretty good if I do say so my self and I'm not into horror movies. There might be some future confusion about the titles. ??? Just a heads up.
 
I won't mind much the title, since I can change it later, with no pain in the soul :)

All I need is feedback about the script and the story itself
 
I've read it over lunch, not bad. But i think the effect of knowing that the man who stole his son away from him could have been better expanded for more dramatic effect.

Maybe if the two had at least some scenes of conversation, getting to know each other. Claudio telling him his story, hence the scenes of his flashback, swapping from past to present as he tells his tale. The other in return finding it oddly strangely familiar (maybe more absent minded of his past sins from old age).

The last but most irksome question is motive, i think it's alright to leave some questions unanswered- but it's not alright to not give the audience anything to feed on. Unless you're looking for a sequel or whatever it is, it still isn't a good way to leave such a huge void of a cliffhanger.

FEED ME! However ambiguous or well hidden the truth it may be. Why did the kidnapper target the kid? Was he just random pickings? Did the kidnapper go on a journey of redemption trying to find the father(Claudio) or did he- after knowing Claudio, realize his folly and released his son to meet him?

Just my opinion though, this coming from a guy who has yet put pen to paper.
 
thanks! your input is good, no need to be a writer. Yeah I thought I could've gone into the kidnapper's past too, but I scratched it. Now I see it might me a missing piece. I'll see how can I add it up.
 
I liked it up until the coincidence. Audiences *hate* coincidences and they *hate* convenient coincidences even more!

I can guess though, that this ending is important to you, and you will defend it but I think it destroys everything you've spent time building beforehand because realistically it's not even a coincidence, it's more than a coincidence.

The chances of Scar being sick and dying at the same time, in the same hospital, in the same room and just as C. says "My son" and then C.'s son coming in and saying "father" at that time would be a statistical improbability. We are not talking 1, maybe 2, coincidences, which an audience might buy, but a 5 and in 1 scene lasting all of 30 seconds. A fiction is a story that is plausible but not necessarily believed. It has to be something that people could logically believe could happen, maybe.

Also, what are you trying to get at in this script which this last 30 seconds is meant to present? This is your closing scene, it needs to be strong and restate your theme, almost like a conclusion in an essay. From your opening scene I would guess that this story is about dying with peace? If that is the case, it would be more interesting if the man who is next to C., son did come in but the man and son are unconnected with C. but seeing C. the other man's son takes pity and acts the role so that C. can say sorry and die in peace, so this other man's son acts as a placebo - a stand in so that C. can say sorry.

Really I don't know what your theme is.
 
jowei said:
thanks! your input is good, no need to be a writer. Yeah I thought I could've gone into the kidnapper's past too, but I scratched it. Now I see it might me a missing piece. I'll see how can I add it up.
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That could be your ambiguity, it doesn't have to be so thoroughly laid out- But the point from Claudio's story to the man lying beside him turning out to be the kidnapper of his son is too sudden i would say. Which is why earlier on i suggested him telling his tale to the kidnapper rather then reflecting back in his him.

A simple, but heart felt "I'm sorry" from the guy to Claudio is just about enough to hint that the kidnapper may have regretted his sins and spent his entire life searching for redemption. Imagination can reside with the audience when it comes to thinking about his past.

Now the biggest question lies with, will Claudio forgive the man? That could be your cliffhanger,

'The monitor's blip-ping song starts to slow and flatlines before Claudio can respond. The man doesn't get his redemption. ' would be my personal ending of choice.
 
Thanks for the input guys, I'm actually doing some re-writing. I might stick with the same ending and the coincidence bit. The persecution part and the flashbacks seemed a little confusing to me. The grammar and sintaxis is being worked on too. Will let you know when finished.
 
I actually have not read your script (just too busy today), but I looked at the first 1/2 page and there are some problems with simple solutions. Screenwriting 101: The first time a character is introduced the name should be in all uppercase. And give the read some visual of each character (main chars)-- age, physicality. And a last name if possible to make the characters more believable as real people (real fictional people LOL!).
~randall

jowei said:
Hey people, just wrote a script this week and need your inputs. It's my first post here, since I lurk/post in the Marketplace section.

Download it in .pdf here http://www.sendspace.com/file/5lyhe9
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With all honesty, I really enjoyed the script and believe it can be made into a good short film. The entire story kept me interested and the ending really surprised me. Try to use less of the word "the" in the first paragraph. I did not notice many grammatical errors, I was mostly paying attention to the story and had a splendid time imagining it in my head.

Good Job.
 
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