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Yeah guess same for me. Got lost, but got carried along by it just enough.

The fact there's three of the normal guys (I think) would seem to be 1 if not 2 too many. If the starting hook is this girl Sarah then you need to remember that, and then any ass-grabbing would be better suited to the end, not the Deus Ex Machina Congolese thing...

Kudos for the head of the Congolese mafia using bureaucratise in a line.
 
I basically share everyones' opinion regarding the confusing nature of the script. Maybe lose or condense a few characters to make the structure of the story a little more clear.
 
Nice little concept:beer:

I also had trouble finding the story buried within...but it's nothing a spit shine and polish couldn't fix. After all, my major qualms are all technical ones.

I am really trying not to Monday-morning-quarterback here, but I do have a suggestion. Bring the story full circle, and have him (at the very end) produce the weed for the hottie. She could say something to the tune of, "You didn't have any trouble getting it, did you?" To which he could reply, "No. No trouble at all," or some such jazz. Take it or leave it, just my pair of copper coins.


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"That ***** took half my money, my house, and my dog she didn't even like - I should kill him myself."
 
I definitely see now that writing a script as meandering as the stoned guys in it can be confusing. A stoner equivalent of Flowers for Algernon doesn't seem to carry across well.
 
Yeah, got a little lost as well, but I liked the characters. Nothing really new that I can add. For some reason, and it's my fault I'm sure, I kept thinking this as a type of comedy or dark comedy script. I guess that's because so many movies with stoners in them are comedies.

Great effort, though!
 
Very creative, ghalied. I was a bit confused as I read it. I think it was mostly due to the jumps in time as opposed to the number of characters. But as you intended, things became more clear as the ending approached. I loved the suspense and action at Tucker's field near the end.
 
There were some good action pieces in this one. I have to echo what others have said about the amount of characters and confusion in the middle of the script.

I think you have a really good story here, its probably just too big for the amount of pages you had to work with. I don't have much else to say I think everyone covered what I was thinking.

I like your idea of such a big plan for such a simple reason. I think you have all the ingredients for a good story here.
 
Sorry but I was confused by the script...

Also... another thing I didn't like is the amount of cursing you used... I feel that using curse words is a cheap way of writing... just throw in some strong language and it makes a scene "intense" I don't buy that...

Keep working on writing... condense some of the characters, and write a better setup to this, and it could be interesting.

Good job on submitting something!
 
Structure wise I would lose using tagline on title page, included time of day in scene slugs (i.e. day/night) - helps us to visualize scenes.


Dialog need some polish. In early scenes I had trouble telling the difference between characters. Did like the line "quadrophonic-whacktack-tation"

Descriptions and action well well written. But I did find myself confused by it and needing to read and go back to read again. Not sure if this is just me and how I perceived/understood your story.

Good luck and well done.
 
I actually understood almost the entirety of the story, BUT, I do think clarification would help really sell this. I thought this was a really fun, Pineapple Express-esque script.

Good work on all the set-ups and pay-offs. Liked all the post-colonialism as well.
 
Thanks guys. All these comments are making see where extra explanation is needed for a jumping timeline so this is much appreciated. This fest is definitely a good place for pushing limits and getting feedback for what works and what doesn't.

I was a bit ashamed of glorifying drug use (fortunately enough I don't have a problem with cursing and violence) so I tried to add some social commentary on xenophobia and colonialism et al. And people don't seem to be noticing those lines as forced (as I thought it might be) or cheesy (which would be pretty cool in this genre), so I'm pretty happy in that regard. (Bodes well for my vision of embedding positive/thought-provoking messages in my work).
 
I actually quite liked this. I had problems following like everyone else, but there was enough (too much!?) interesting stuff going on that I still enjoyed it. You had some really good dialog and the basis for a whole lot more. "Dude, the world is messed up enough without me trying to understand it" was a great line. I think the whole story was pretty linear and worked OK until the Congolese get pulled into the story. After that I have the feeling you had too many themes you were trying to get into too small a space. There were some nice ideas being bandied around on the colonialism and race but I felt you didn't really manage to control them and got sidetracked in too many directions away from your main story. Thanks for the read.
Jason
 
Thank you. I like that line too. Always trying to slot it into real life conversation but haven't managed as yet. :)
 
I think I pretty much understood the story, but with so many people and such common names, I kept losing track of who was who.

It was pretty funny that all of this happened for something as ridiculous as getting a girl some weed. I liked that. In my script, it was for donuts... :beer:

Everyone else has basically covered everything and I think you get the point about clarification.

Thanks for the entertainment. :)
 
Thanks JamieJay, I'm glad you liked it. Hmmm, now if I could have made the Congolese Mafia be smuggling doughnuts... now that would have been a story!
 
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