Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!

Nice job indeed. The story flowed very well, and the VO was really well used.

I guess when I came to the end, questions questions. Ill post them in PM so I dont give anything away for others. PM coming.
 
I enjoyed your story. I guessed the twist half way through, but it was written well enough and the characters were good.
 
My first proper attempt at scriptwriting!
Click to expand...
:eek:
In that case, your writing future is blindingly bright - to say the least.

I really liked your unique angle to an existing character type.
By this I mean:
Having the detective (who has crawled into a bottle over the dame who left him) end up being the only one the same dame can trust when her new man is killed.

A solid story, that be:beer:

Favorite Line:
"...I'd been thinking of her all night. Hell, who was I kidding, I'd been thinking of her my whole life."

However...


Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

***SPOILER ALERT***
-I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
-I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)
 
CallaghanFilms said:
:eek:

Putting on my "nitpicker" hat, there were a few things that distracted me:

***SPOILER ALERT***
-I am fairly sure "mini bars" did not exist as common practice in 1940's hotels
-I am completely sure "Polaroid"-style instant cameras didn't exist at all (being such a crucial plot point...that is a biggie)
Click to expand...

Good point about the mini bars, hadn't thought of that.
However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge.

Glad you enjoyed it though!
 
:Drogar-Mark-07(DBG) SPOILERS BELOW :Drogar-Mark-07(DBG)

great script, i really enjoyed it.

one thought - what do you think about this...
if you eliminated this line, it might read better- just because it's totally implied already:

(top of pg. 4)

BARBARA
I know you still have feelings
for me. maybe if you help me, you
might find i've still got those
feelings for you.

that's just my opinion, so no worries. overall, well written and enjoyable. i knew the ending as soon as Barbara read the note!
 
Excellent story Heather, really enjoyed it - one of my favs so far. The characters were compelling and created genuine emotional connections with the reader. The dialogue was clever with several memorable lines. It could also be produced within a reasonable budget (definately let me know if you'd be interested in chatting about producing it!) I certainly think you should *ahem* lossfest.

In anycase, well done, my only suggestions would be to emphasise more a London atmosphere as it felt very New York! Even the names ;) Sam etc. But well done!
 
First thing I would work on is the dialog. Read like a story set in england but written in American voice. I was born in London, grew up in Ireland and work for an American company, so I find it easier to pick out regional talking and slang. So others might no find the same issues with this that I do. But just feel the dialog would better match an American setting.

Story flows well. Characters are well developed. typo of page 3 (get in here anywa) - structure and formatting are solid.

Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...

Good job.
 
themightyshrub said:
...However, Polaroids did exist. The "Land Camera" was bought out in 1947, and was the precursor to the modern polaroid camera. Although I did have to do a fair bot of research to find that out, it's not very common knowledge...
Click to expand...

***SPOILER ALERT***

By Polaroid-style I am referring to the front-released instant models that we all know (and that seansshack has in his avatar right above). That type wasn't released till much later. The earliest "instant" cameras weren't all that "instant" (you had to remove the print from a closed compartment in the back after a few minutes.

Again, I know it's a nitpick...but I got the impression that the camera in your script was an "auto-ejector" one. If so, that didn't exist in 1947. If not, I stand corrected and apologize.

Either way, I really enjoyed Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!:beer:



seansshack said:
...Sort of guessed the ending before I got there. But guess as writers we are hard to trick...
Click to expand...
And we don't like it when we are:evil:
 
I really enjoyed this one. Good story and good writing. As I was reading it I kept thinking that finding that picture in the alley was going to be a million to one shot, but I understand why he had to find it for the finale of the piece.
 
Excellent! Your writing has a great sense of humor (er, humour) in it, and I thought the "noir" feel was spot-on.
 
Very good. Well done!

I'm a Londoner too, and Sam is American no matter which way you spin it. I can just about give you a British location since you specify it, but you've put an 'e' in whiskey for a start (and I'm not buying any Irish angle on that- it would be Scottish for sure). And his first line is pretty much 'Hell, who am I kidding?' and for the way we spoke in 1940, that says American to me. Nitpicking big time as I don't think it matters one way or the other, I enjoyed the script.

A couple of things;

You telegraph the ending a bit with the note, it could be slightly more subtle I think.

He's supposed to be a hot-shot this guy? He doesn't really seem it...

And I hate the title. Sorry.
 
Yep, guessed the ending as soon as I read the note so I'd have tag this as predictable. That's easily fixable though. For me the best scene was the one in the cramped London lift simply because a small lift immediately makes me think of London (I haven't encountered those elsewhere). All in all, I thought the story was well told and thoroughly enjoyable. Well done.
 
For those that mentioned it seemed like an American story, even though it was set in the UK - you're so right! I wrote it partly for a university module, which specified it had to be set in the UK, and it didn't occur to me to change it to the USA for this!
 
CallaghanFilms said:
***SPOILER ALERT***

By Polaroid-style I am referring to the front-released instant models that we all know (and that seansshack has in his avatar right above). That type wasn't released till much later. The earliest "instant" cameras weren't all that "instant" (you had to remove the print from a closed compartment in the back after a few minutes.
Click to expand...

Oh! I didn't realise they worked differently - the article I read about them just said that the Land camera was the first Polaroid, and it came out in 1947, it never occurred to me that it would work differently.

Thanks for pointing it out - looks like I might have to change the decade!
 
Indeed but honestly whose going to notice - i mean if there more concerned about the type of camera then you've already lost them... For me i didnt even notice and im a history buff - so how many will care?

;) Its good the reviewer pointed it out for reference, but you can easily get away with it. I too have a noir set british film - its just me and you btw!
 
Yeah, I saw the ending coming too, but then a part of me just said to myself "shut up and enjoy the script." And I did! Great dialog, good flow, pacing, and a solid story from beginning to end. A great noir that stayed true to the classic format. Kudos!
 
I absolutely love the story. Just from the beginning it runs very well and took my attention the whole time to the end. Very enjoyable and above all very clearly structured without confusion! Well done. Until now one of my favourites. :thumbup:

Susanne :bath:
 
Nice one! Probably the best of the detective story scripts I've read so far. Good work!

As with all the others I've read, I didn't see the ending coming, so I enjoyed it that much more. I'm starting to think I'm dense. :Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)

I think you said you are writing this for a university class. I usually don't nit-pick the spelling/grammatical errors and typos, but I'll list them out for you, just so you can avoid losing points in the university grading:

================
"What’s worse is I that knew he was" --> "What’s worse is that I knew he was"

"walks slowly over the bar" - Dunno, maybe that is correct British English. Americanized it would probably be "walks slowly down the bar" or "walks over to where Sam is waiting".

"anywa" --> "anyway"

"She was crueller that the Marquis de Saude" --> "She was crueller than the Marquis de Saude"

"are standing next to each" --> "are standing next to each other" (unless what you have is OK in British English)

"don’t say I didn’t waÉ" (strange character at the end)

These all need a period at the end:

"It’s not like that"
"Jimmy stares at her desperately"
"Barbara stands and walks towards the bathroom"
"Barbara hands the note back to Jimmy"
==================

Once again, nice job! :beer:
 
Cheers for pointing out the spelling and grammar issues. Most of what you've said isn't British English, it's me not paying attention to what I'm writing!

As for that strange character - I think that's because I wrote it in MS Word, and then imported it into CeltX, which coped fine with most of it, but gave me some odd formatting and characters. I thought I'd got them all, but obviously not!
 
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