Red Rope

lawriejaffa

lawriejaffa

Veteran
"Tenements... cobblestones, tiny bag... it falls out, shining in the night... dangling... limp... the arm of an infant."

My script is a thriller noir, set in post war (1950s) Scotland, where amidst the bulldozing of tenements and the construction of post modern 'new towns' an ambitous town councillor, beloved by his constituents and celebrating his first born fights for promotion. Only a secret tragedy of darkest magnitude stands in his way...
 
Thanks man, its pretty dark too, think a little of the film 'M' noir, with a bit of pulp. It won't be everyone's cup of tea.
 
Thanks guys, I think this will probably be among the more disturbed entries, im hoping to develop this one for my Loss Fest Entry too.

Here is a wee poster i threw up borrowing bits and bops out there - gets the feel across!

posterde0.jpg
 
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Thanks guys - okay if its alright i just wanted to give you guys some 'cultural' translations for something in the script that you will read (there not plot related) but just to make sense.

Mine is set in immediate post ww2 war scotland, very class based british (almost Victorian in part) so old fashioned, and you will also hear mention of so called 'new towns' these were government funded new towns built because of the housing shortages resulting from ww2 and the decrepit states of many old homes.

There you have it, so hope that explains the period formality of this script, and so you know what the heck the 'new town' is that you read mentioned in the script.

I hope its okay to say that, as somethings 'presumed' to be known in the UK id rather that US /international readers could presume to know a bit (at least conceptually) also.

Im uploading tonight, will answer any questions about it - looking forward to reading others :)
 
I enjoyed it very much mate. Your 50s Britain was well created with nice settings, good dialogue and good characters, added to that the excellent - but monsterous - ending made a very good script. Are you going to make this one for LossFest?
 
Some nice ideas and an ambience I totally bought for the first two thirds. I liked the setting, on the verge of the new. Actually it felt American to me for some reason, that dark suburbia feel (I say that as a Brit).

Maybe it's the length, but I don't feel the motivations of the character strongly enough for the ending. It seems out of context with the more subtle build up. I needed to feel the presence of the child and something being amiss from the start for it to work for me. One of the most original settings for the story out of the lot in my opinion though.
 
//Spoiler//
I would agree Redcloak to an extent if i was reading in a psychological perspective from dialogue alone. The clues to 'troubles' are very subtle and have to be because lets face it if theres any hint this guy didnt want his kid - then BANG you've guessed it! So, the scene with Murdoch where he eyes up his bosses promotion (even after just getting one!) Or his half joking remark about being priminister// being in a daze over questions about his wife (subtle uncaring but not grossly so.) Are clues.

Then there are parts that only a director can do that a scriptwriter cannot. For example, the settings and locations becoming darker, more grim as the horrible conclusion occurs, as would a subtle and menacing score (that transcends from one more kindly and pastoral.) Certainly the idealistic beginning can give a hint of suburban bliss (that might be the american context) as we do take onto ourselves the worlds we see ;)

So id have to disagree with making the motivation of the character more obvious i think ive probably nailed it so much as i feel comfortable with? Increasing the prescence of the child - that i could do, though we do have numerous characters mention it (with kindly faces etc) we dont need our lead too really i don't think.

Under direction the early scenes would not be so subtle, but would really be quite jolly oh british dads army esque only to become a kind of dickension hell hole. :) Cheers also DarkElastic im onto your script next!
 
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Twisted little tale. Interesting use of the setting to really send this story home. Some of the dialog felt very stiff to me, even for the setting.
 
Thanks mate much appreciated - yep perhaps part of the dialogue is, however any of the almost victorian like formality with a hint of the theatre is completely intended. There are civic offices in scotland today where folk still talk like that haha
 
Nice, neat piece:beer:

The atmospheric mood never slips, it oozes through the nooks and crannies of every scene.

Overall, a nicely constructed project (just like new town undoubtedly will be).


***SPOILER ALERT***

My biggest qualm is with the ending. It is debatable whether or not it is predictable (I personally fall into the no camp...I say it is not predictable). However, it offers up more questions than answers. Namely, why would he think the child wasn't his because it was retarded? I could see if the child were Chinese or black or "different"...but being born with retardation is genetic (which would have been common knowledge in the 1950's).

Or, was that just how he attempted to justify it to himself? Using that as an excuse, in other words. If that is the case, I think a few (very few) revision lines would better portray that.

Favorite Line:
"...Well I suppose it's your future really. Me...I'm old...I'm cobblestone and brick, you're concrete and asphalt."
Good stuff, that:beer:
 
Yey thanks man - much appreciate it - its really cute you've quoted favourite lines in your reviews kudos for that.

//Spoilers//

Yep the script isn't about guessing the ending as it were - I want it to be a thought provoking surprise that can then be rationalised watching it backwards and taking the films story (in the context of its period setting also.) So why does it happen? Why does he do it? Well neither does he need justification as in (the baby isn't his ie. making the kid a different race etc.

His motivation is an age old prejudice prevelant up to the 50's stemming from Victorian Britain, against disabled kids and what that says about a man. Our boy is so neurotic that his career succeed that his own prejudice against the kid and fear of his bosses prejudices drives him mad, so much so he wants to ensure his wife can never again bare kids for risk of the same thing happening either.

He is all about the future, but cannot escape the views of the past, and this is ironic, as is his delving to the 'seedy dickension style past' to get his murderer.

I want to show the guy and his idealism and vaunting ambition especially to the future, still falling pray to the social influences of the past. In that sense the film is about HIM and not the baby, despite the horrendous death of the baby making us perhaps overly seek answers to remedy the terrible event in our head.

As we know, backstreet abortions and all manner of horrible things happened for sake of shame and convenience during the period, and still do today.
 
Nice story, well constructed and paced.

I didn't see the ending coming. Richard earlier said "Bless him, he is a beautiful little thing" about the baby and I took him at his word. With Mike being kind of a hot head ("Just as well sir! Or I’d have torn them down myself!"), I expected him to be the perpetrator at the end. Seemed like he might have been upset with more than just the street lights. The ending was thus a surprising twist for me, well done! :thumbup:
 
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