A Taste of Euphoria

DarkElastic

DarkElastic

Well-known member
1st draft done, now working on the next.

ATasteofEuphoriacopy.jpg

Premise:
A body of a business man is found in a passageway, he has been beaten to death. The Inspector will find the perpetrator, because every murder has a witness, its just a matter of making them talk.
 
Last edited:
Orkney! That's way up there! If I remember, your guys are famous for the Orkney chair, among other things.

Looking forward to reading your script.

aw
 
As you can see, I have now added a Teaser poster and premise. The script has had a 2nd draft and is now about to go into its 3rd.
 
Thank you for your comments. Yes, Orkney is way up the top, but it's famous for a lot more than its chairs!
 
Thank you seansshack, I thought I'd do one as everyone else seems to be :)

Good for practising on Photoshop.
 
I like the title...and I really dig the principle leads' names. Bowl-Head and Bry (sounds pre-Swept Away Guy Ritchie.)

Cheers:beer: on that bit of creativity.

The story has potential (I like the reverse perspective of the ne'er-do-well druggies)...
but
I must say that the dialogue felt somewhat uninspired.
As an example: Each of the first 4 lines had an f-bomb dropped in.
Don't get me wrong, I swear like a sailor - and so do my characters (when it flows naturally, that is)...

Frankly, I would love to see this same story revisited and reworked on some level.
As I said, I see real potential in it.

Edited to Add:
Favorite Line:
"It's me, Bowl Head."
 
Last edited:
Enjoyed the read but could be a lot better if the dialog was polished some more. Especially the use of "druggy f%$k" - I know you might be trying to nail an accent in the dialog - but I won avoid this where possible. + a lot of F's in there. Which can be fine, but like any repeated words can be a distraction when over used.

Would also edit the character names for police (i.e. police officer) - otherwise it reads like a group of police are talking at once. - only minor. + typos - i.e. INSPECTTOR

Story works well and found it an interesting read and could see if (in my head) as a short film.
 
Just as a structural note, your Scene 6 can be cleaned up just by labeling it a POV shot. That way you can really streamline it and remove all of the "We see's." That block of text was a little hard to read through and brought the flow of the script to a halt for me. However, all things considered, I liked that scene and what you were trying to accomplish with it.

***Spoilers***

Storywise it's not a bad setup. I think that having the two characters commit suicide is a bit anticlimactic. Esspecially since Bowl Head is so level headed during his final conversation with Bry. He shows no remorse and actually seems excited that they killed someone, so then to just kill himself seems against character to me. I get that he doesn't want to face the concequences, but for that to work for me he's have to really be freaking out in that last scene instead of trying to figure out a way to escape. Does that make sense? It's like a complete 180 of motivation in a heartbeat.

Also the Inspector's dialog after he finds them is too on the nose. We just saw that happen, he doesn't need to explain it to us in exacting detail.

I agree with the other guys about the cursing. It felt very stiff at the beginning, but actually in scene 7 it flowed pretty well and I could believe it.

My two cents. Thanks for the script!
 
Bowl Head where did you get that name I love it. I liked the story and it might have used a bit more work on the dialog. Overall it read well. I agree that the POV would have made more sense so we know what is coming. Thanks for the read.
Pauly
 
I got a little lost I'm sorry!

My only criticism is that it feels like it's torn between being the druggies story and the Inspector's. He is the overarching structure, but the narrative seems to favour the other two.
 
Yeah overall I enjoyed this piece, i think it will make an interesting short film - certainly the perspective is quite unique, and could be quite psychological especailly if 'seen' from the warped perspectives of the drug addicted characters.

In that sense it could be an effective and quite surreal drug related crime story! So well done mate i enjoyed it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top