The First Take of Cube Films

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ghalied

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Title: The First Take of Cube Films

Tagline: The future of making movies starts today.

Logline: The first day, the first take of the first feature in the future of filmmaking. It's a new era but sometimes the mistakes that crop up are the old ones...

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One more page would have been nice to have but I suppose boundaries sometimes inspire greater creativity.
 
I don't write sci-fi (though I read lot of it), so it took me forever to come up with a story and a scenario that went well together. I was determined that the story and the new technology played off each other and that the technology wasn't just there for the sake of it. I'm wishing more and more I held off a bit more before submitting but I suppose everyone feels that way.
 
well, that was strange. you have a very succinct, very professional writing style. a lot of the dialog was charmingly rendered. The story however left me cold. its focus seems to be more on a cool idea for a future camera than telling a satisfying story. Also, the inclusion of a hover bike makes this cost prohibitive. I didn’t care much the plot but I love your writing style.
 
Thanks for the comments. Spot on for the most part, though I did think of a few ways I would cheat the hover bike. I must admit I did get a bit overexcited imagining the possibilities of the technology!

Thanks again, much appreciated.
 
Damn! I just though of a way to fit my missing 3rd act into the 6 pages. Don't you hate it when that happens too late? Serves me right for rushing it, I suppose.
 
I really liked this one. Once you hit that moment you had me on the edge of my seat!
In my head I was yelling.... "Get up!"

Seriously, well done.

Cheers,

Mike
 
This script had some great elements. I love the idea of the new technology. New technology always has true believers and supporters, but also carries a sinister possibility to it. Wonderful way to work that into the story.

Great suspense in the tunnel as well.

The only thing that didn't it for me 100% was the abrupt ending. I would have liked to have seen an aftermath or epilouge.

... and it's about time someone revived Dean Cain's career!
 
LOL. Dean Cain. I actually thought of the first and last names independently while I was writing. I just wanted him to sound famous without being an actual person. When I googled him and realised that it was an actual famous guy (and one that I actually knew but the name somehow slipped from my memory), I thought I'd just leave him in. I'd get him to star in my film years from now when he is in his Chuck Norris/David Haselhoff phase of his life!

As to the ending, what was supposed to be shown in the missing pages is the director winning the Oscar. I wanted to show how little it meant to him after the incident. I took out the character building in the beginning showing how hungry he is to resurrect his career and also the closeups on him as the watch the action on the screens. The whole script is supposed to be a reminder of how filmmaking shouldn't consume your life. -- but that's the 7 page version! :cheesy:
 
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I liked the concept and the idea for the story. I thought it was written well and the dialogue was solid.

I was just missing any real emotional connection to the story.

Dean Cain that's funny, accidental or not is great for the script. Good suspense in the tunnel.
You had some good original ideas going on in the script that I really liked.
 
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Mmm... emotional connection - that's bit of a toughie. Usually if there's a lack of emotional connection, its because I haven't set the correct characters up properly. Could it be because the girl in danger gets only one-line description to make us want her not to get hit by a bike? I'll think on it.

I just realised that using "Dean Cain" is a huge mistake because the actor is supposed to be English! Ha ha. Doh.
 
ghalied said:
Mmm... emotional connection - that's bit of a toughie. Usually if there's a lack of emotional connection, its because I haven't set the correct characters up properly. Could it be because the girl in danger gets only one-line description to make us want her not to get hit by a bike? I'll think on it.

I just realised that using "Dean Cain" is a huge mistake because the actor is supposed to be English! Ha ha. Doh.
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That was the best part for me I was thinking to myself is Dean Cain English. Oh well I want to film using the Cube. Good job.
Pauly
 
ghalied said:
As to the ending, what was supposed to be shown in the missing pages is the director winning the Oscar. I wanted to show how little it meant to him after the incident. I took out the character building in the beginning showing how hungry he is to resurrect his career and also the closeups on him as the watch the action on the screens. The whole script is supposed to be a reminder of how filmmaking shouldn't consume your life. -- but that's the 7 page version! :cheesy:
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That sounds incredible! oh man, if you could have fit it in that'd would have been astounding.

Cool idea ... definitely could use a cube, that'd be awesome to film on... in? ... whatever it is its awesome.

The other characters... their development felt a bit lackluster for some like the lead actress, I felt no real connection to her as she was about to be hit, but the tension of that scene was excellent. Ed's character was great his interest, especially after he put the goggles on, along with the concern and emotion his character has really kept me engaged.

Nice job.
 
I agree the ending with the director winning the oscar would be a great finish for the script. Would like to read the script with that ending.

I do feel it would also benefit to have a little more info on the lead actress, when you have more pages to utilize.
Maybe she's a little naive' and its her first role and she didn't really understand how dangerous it could potentially be to do her own stunts. Or an actress thats been down on her luck and this is the movie thats going to resurrect her career, so she's willing to take a chance. Or something else, so we have more invested in her.

You do build the tension of that action sequence very well and its exciting the way it is, I think it would be even more intense with that extra emotional punch.
 
...didn't really understand how dangerous it could potentially be to do her own stunts
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The idea is actually that you can't have stunt or body doubles in the Cube (too easy to spot). That's why they had to go with a relatively unknown actress who didn't mind having to do her own stunts and who looked naturally beautiful.

Thanks for the input guys. Much appreciated. I'm raring to go now for a rewrite.
 
I'd like to read a longer version of this one. The bigger story is the cube and this seemed a much smaller scene of the bigger and better whole. Tweak it and expand it, I say. Great concept.
 
I guess I find it kind of hard to believe that a stunt like this wouldn't have to be rehearsed practically to death, especially in a scenario where the actors have to do their own stunts. The whole "they drive on the wrong side of the road in England" thing seems a bit flimsy as the mistake to drive the end.

If you do the version with the director getting the Oscar, it should be right after a tribute to the dead actress... :)
 
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