Christopher Walken Wants Me Dead

slimchrisp

slimchrisp

Well-known member
Last year i wrote a comedy screenplay called Christopher Walken Wants Me Dead. Now, the chances of something like this ever getting made are almost zero, but I do want to learn from the experience as I start writing my next comedy. If I could get some help from some fellow dvxers I would really appreciate it. You can grab it from here.

I know there are definitely some holes, and this thing isn't going to be up for an Oscar. My biggest struggle is writing a snappy dialogue heavy comedy, but still having the action drive the story. So basically, I'm just putting this thing out there to get some opionions and feedback to help me as I start my next piece.

Ahead of time let me say I really appreciate any and all feedback. I know everyone has their own busy schedules, so thanks for taking the time to read this. And tear me a new one should you feel the need. I'm not easily offended.

Thanks!
 
A friend of mine once pitched a film to me called "Talkin' the Walken." I realize that's not helpful feedback, but you just made me think of it.
 
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I'll give it a read for you dude. You might have to give me sometime as everything is becoming busy right now - but if there's one thing I love it is to read new screenplays and I know how valuable and uplifting feedback can be - even a couple of paragraphs.

So yeah I'll read the screenplay. I've just downloaded it to my hard drive. I just scanned through and I think it is something I would like to read.

Is it cool to post the feedback in this thread?

Ammar
 
by all means ammar. again, let me say this. it's the first feature script i've ever written. it made it into the quarter finals of bluecat, but didn't make it to the semis. either way, i was really happy it at least made it that far.

i'm just kind of in a place where i think i'm a little too close to it to read it objectively. i just started on a new comedy piece, and want to use cwwmd as a learning experience. and tear it a new one. i'm not easily offended.

many thanks.

chris
 
Hey dude. I read your screenplay the other day. It was a nice easy read. I got through it quite quickly. I found it quite entertaining. It was funny, so that is an achievement as comedy can be so hard to do. I thought the comedy setpieces were well thought out and well written. Some of the action was good too. You always kept things in moving which pulled me through the screenplay.

So yeah, I thought it was a cool comedy screenplay that made me laugh and was quirky enough to be different from the rest.

Some contstructive feedback: obviously the film requires Christopher Walken to be made, though that might be as far off as it may seem - I know this is a long shot but actors love star vehicles and he'd probably be flattered his name is in the title. He kind of is the film.

There also didn't seem to be enough going on. It's hard to explain, but it kind of felt like there was only 45 minutes of action and very little movement of the characters - until the end. You had maybe a handful of major scenes and locations and there didn't seem to be much plot progression. I kind of wanted more to go on. More to happen.

I know comedies are dialogue driven and you did this well - the character selection was pretty awesome. You had a good set of friends. There just could have been more places for them to go, and things to do. So I'd include more in another draft.

The beginning was a hook. It was a compelling "how did it get to that?" situation that does get your attention - though I probably would have began with a comedy setpiece. It is nice how the start and the end eventually meet. That was pretty cool. And then we see what happens next. It did seem like a happy hollywood ending - though it did also seem the right ending - if that makes sense.

All in all it is a good first script. I can see why it got you into the quarter finals of that competition. I'd probably continue with comedy and that is obviously your passion. It's a good starting point that you can evolve from, so good work. It did make me laugh, especially in the beginning - so I think you should be pleased with what you have written.

It'd be cool if some other people on here would read it and give feedback so can get a couple of opinions. I enjoyed it though. Let me know when you finish the next one, as I'd like to read that too.

Ammar
 
I just started reading this. A lot of "pros" who read scripts won't go past the first few pages if nothing grabs them. I'd say copyright this quick, get an entertainment lawyer, get it listed with the WGA and send this baby out on premise alone. I'm not done with this but you can do rewrites later. That first page is pretty strong. I was imagining it and smiling almost immediately. It put me in the mind of a scene from "A Fish Called Wanda" and the narration ended great. "Cause I’m not dreaming, this is no fantasy, and Christopher Walken wants me dead." The title should slam on the screen right here, then Walken's close up then cut to the next scene.

My only complaint is you're overly descriptive. And that's just my feeling, not really a complaint, but you'll see what I mean. You say:

"Mike pulls out the beer and the Chinese food. He opens the takeout container and smells it to see if it is still edible. The grimace on his face makes it clear the food should have been thrown out long ago. Mike leaves the Chinese food sitting on the counter, grabs the beer, and shuffles back to the front of the apartment and collapses on his old ratty sofa."

Try

"Mike pulls out the beer and the Chinese food. He opens the takeout container and smells it to see if it is still edible. He grimaces (By him grimacing the reader will get that the food is stale). Mike leaves the Chinese food sitting on the counter, grabs the beer, and shuffles back to the front of the apartment and collapses on his old ratty sofa."

Mike takes a sip of the beer and grimaces again. The beer should have been thrown out with the Chinese. He sets it on his coffee table and leans back in the sofa rubbing his hands on his face and groaning. Mike gives a final grimace, then falls over sideways on the sofa, face down. He is ready to put this day behind him, even though the next one will probably just hold more of the same.

Try

"Mike takes a sip of the beer and grimaces again. He sets it on his coffee table and leans back in the sofa rubbing his hands on his face and groaning. Mike gives a final grimace, then falls over sideways on the sofa, face down."

You don't need to say: He is ready to put this day behind him, even though the next one will probably just hold more of the same. The reader needs to get the point from the writing.

I'm on the first few pages. I'll tell you what I think when I finish but you make me want to keep reading and that could be your way in. The trick to any movie is making a person want to keep watching. The trick to the script is making them want to keep reading.

And unless your directing this, don't say: "As Mike lays on the sofa, the exterior light goes from
daylight to dark, indicating that several hours have gone by."

Say

"As Mike lays on the sofa, daylight turns to dark." KIS = Keep it Simple. This is fun and I'm enjoying it.

-Nate
 
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thanks tons for even reading this guys. and thanks for your very indepth feedback. it was very helpful. especially for the next comedy i write.

just an fyi. the characters roman and ari are based on simon pegg and nick frost. shaun of the dead was utter genius, and i really enjoyed hot fuzz as well. so the good is i found my muse. the bad is that i'm a staight dude and simon pegg is the muse. what are you gonna do. anyway, i just mention that because the next comedy i'm kicking around has a main character based on simon pegg. a mistaken identity, north by northwest kind of thing, but as a comedy.

i also mention it just so you know what i was going for in the roman and ari characters. maybe you can tell me what you thought based on my intentions there.

again, thanks so much for reading and giving feedback!
 
I'd like to read it too but can't open it, I get all this jibberish symbol stuff. What software is needed to open it? I have Celtx.
 
hey brian. it's just a zipped up pdf file. i used final draft to save it as a pdf, so you should be able to open it with adobe reader or preview if you're on a mac.
 
Read it and I have to admit, it's a bit predictable but it is funny. It reminds me of the movie "Go" for some reason. Like "Go" and an episode of "Entourage". (And because of this you may want to change Ari's name to something else). It's need work, not tons but it's pretty funny and I think it's worth someone's time.

-Nate
 
thanks for your feedback nathyn.

and thanks for the entourage tip also. i've actually never seen it, but it's been on my netflix que for an eternity. (along with like 600 movies.)
 
hey, just read a book called "Inside Story" by Dara Marks (great book) so I am all goo goo for THEME. I read your script today and really didn't feel that mike had a character arc and thusly no theme to the movie.

Granted comedies are more able to get away from this as long as they make us laugh. Which this did. I love Walken. Your characters of ari and Roman were also great. Everyone had there own voice and for the most part acted there parts and stuck to it.

One tip though, later in the script Mike references Pulp Fiction. Seemed like he wouldn't have did this. Maybe cause it was so late in the script. Anyway for a page or two around there he sounded like, Will, I think it was, his BFF.

Back to Theme and plot. I read this movie as Mike was the MAIN protag. If you were shooting for an co-protag I didn't get that feeling. I mention this because your friends rescue the main at the end of the movie. I hated it. He mentions "I am going to find Walken" Loved it then. But then they pull him out of the "darkest" part of the film.

Almost Dues Ex IMO. You could do exactly what you wrote, but how about there are two zoos, I don't know. Mike should get himself out of the bind.

Ephifany - the friends dog on him at the very beginning because he always drags around his script. Backstory - he was always a loser wannabe.

Beginning of film - he is defeated, given up on his dream after all the rejection. Hopefully your seeing this all fall into place - they leave for the night and he doesn't bring the script. They mention it and eventually he does after a short convo, - this convo will intro the THEME - never give up on your dreams - or something

After that paragraph I just want to mention - comedies can have this stuff and SHOULD, think Tommy Boy, or SWINGERS - which your script reminds me of - Granted as stated much earlier - without theme.

Okay, this rant is getting long, but it is becuase I REALLY REALLY LIKED this and want to help.

Middle of movie all happens the same, but read "inside story" and see a larger window of script writing, I just did.

End of movie, Mike must save himself. So when him and Walken are battling the script (he always had on him) Walken finds and realizes this is the guy (proving - Mike always "had it in him" a little symbolism there - I'm loving it)

So when all the Friends pull up in the bus (forget what I said earlier about 2 zoos) Walken and Mike are BFF. Walken is doing scenes that he really liked in the movie Mike wrote (PS - mention one of these scenes - it would fit beautifully when the guys are impersonating Walken - they through Mike's script around and read from it - Trying to top the other) SET UP AND PAYOFF

DAMMMM, glad I got that out. If I simply missed the boat on your script I apoligize, (Was going on 24 hours no sleep when I read it), but please take the criticism to heart rewrite this puppy and you DO HAVE COMEDY GOLD!!!!!

odetotud
 
hey slim. I also directed a link to this thread to Donedealpro.com.

I think some of these guys, who have a much deeper understanding in the craft, could also help.

Good luck with your script.

odetotud
 
hey odetotud. first off, wow, thanks so much for your post. again, i can't say how much i appreciate the time you took to read the script and then post feedback. this goes for everyone who has posted and pm'ed me as well. and it's exactly what i need.

i'm currently working on a psychological thriller, but after that it's on to another comedy, and most likely taking another pass at walken as well, if for no other reason then just to have as a writing sample. so this constructive criticism is huge now that i've shaken the dust off of cwwmd to get it fresh in my mind. i'm going to let the feedback percolate for a bit, and i know it's going to help. so again, thanks.

also, thanks for mentioning Inside Story. several others have mentioned it as well. i tried to buy it at barnes noble last week, but apparently it's out of print? i did check out dara's site though, and plan to order it directly from her today.

i'm all ga ga for theme driven writing now as well, and know i need to use that to drive cwwmd as well as the others i'm working on, so thanks for bringing that up again. hearing that from several sources is really driving that home.

thanks!
 
Hey slim, no prob with the feedback. I can't tell you enough how much I liked your script. Definately get back into it when done with your current one.

Also I too am currently writing a thriller, hopefully qualifying "psychological."

I am currently at my midpoint. Maybe, if I get my S**T together you could take a look. This is only my first real attempt at a screenplay. I have finished another but simply waste too much time reading books on the subject, and all these Dam* forums, lol.

later.

odetotud
 
odetotud said:
Maybe, if I get my S**T together you could take a look.
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most definitely. just let me know

odetotud said:
I have finished another but simply waste too much time reading books on the subject, and all these Dam* forums, lol.
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lol. tell me about it. however, if you haven't read it already i highly recommend 101 Habits Of Highly Successful Screenwriters by Karl Iglesias. i picked it up last week, without really needing too much time on it i'm about half way done, and i read somewhat slowly.

the most important piece of advice it has driven home is writers write. it's just that simple. i love grabbing my camera and shooting, and i always will, regardless of where life leads. but writing is the one area of filmmaking where you can hone your craft for very little or no money, and without needing other people.

i was just stuck on the road of always needing more gear, without necessarily seeing any realistic headway into filmmaking. i think i've really turned a corner and now i'm getting super focused on story before anything else. all a long way of saying 101 habits gave me a good kick in the butt, and i've written more in the last week than i had the previous 6 months.
 
I liked the script too. It's fun to imagine that our on screen heroes are playing themselves, that in real life, Chris Walken really is diabolical, eccentric and dangerous. You captured Walken's speech and rhythms as well. It felt like CW. The script moved fast and chaotically like a good comedy should and it was seamless--meaning it's unlike some scripts that practically have a neon light on page 30 flashing "End of Act I, obstacles ahead...".

I'd like to suggest keeping the Cuban bad guy conscious, on his feet and menacing. Knocking him out might get a laugh but it sucks out some of the story's tension.

The characters, were they fully fleshed out?
 
hey thanks for reading and giving me some feedback man!

brianluce said:
The characters, were they fully fleshed out?
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i actually wrote some back stories for mike, will, jen, roman and ari. free association kind of thing. i had the main story line set up at that point, but wanted to do my best to get them more real. were there some specific characters you had in mind? maybe not authentic enough? that would be helpful to know moving on to my next script.

thanks again!
 
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