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Beer Consumption
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
 
James Bond walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a vodka martini shaken not stirred. A few moments later a beautiful brunette sits next to him. She notices his watch.

"That's a nice watch you have there."

"This watch can tell me anything about any person"

"What does it say about me?"

"It says you're not wearing any panties."

"No. That's wrong."

Bond looks at his watch "Damn thing's an hour fast."
 
Was working on my TimeFest entry so I picked up some headlines from the future as I was doing some research for my film:

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.
 
Hmmm... I wonder if RIUKA is having sweet dreams about now. .... He's going to sh*t when he wakes up and sees all the empties and trash in this thread!!
 
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
 
One time I was eating a popsicle and on it was the worst joke I've ever read/heard.

What did the centipede with a wooden leg say?

99 clunk, 99 clunk, 99 clunk...
 
here's some more

An Irishman walks out of a bar.


If you melt dry ice can you swim without getting wet?


I was once pulled over for running a stop sign. The cop asked me if I saw the sign. I told him I did, but I don't believe everything I read
 
Did you know Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? Ya, he was shot in the Temple.

What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.

I think I better take a break for a while....
 
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
James Scott McEwan

"Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing."
Anonymous

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
 
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