Former lovefest entry, critique?

A little confusing on Carrey's part. She is introduced in lower case as a beautiful young woman, then she has a name, then becomes girl.

Caugh should be cough.

as AN old fart.

The guy is dying on the spot, and he says 'it kills me to see ...' ?

Should be 'HAVE been sentenced ..., not 'has'.

Does an executioner really wax biblical? I though that was outlawed over there in the US.

A few other spots you could tighten up the action and dialogue.

In all honesty, I don't get the connection.

alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
www.guerro.wordpress.com
 
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it didn't come together for me either ... if there's a connection it's not apparent .... if you are just showing one death bound for heaven and one bound for hell, that wasn't super clear

but the dialogue line is "as old as A fart like me", so it wouldn't be "an". plus that was dialogue that could be character even if it was incorrect ... but the rest that was pointed out should be cleaned up
 
thanks guys. Ya i wrote it very quick and that is a 3rd draft so there are fragments left of other versions where there were 3 girls.

The connection? well I was trying to show how... whether or not you believe in god or heaven... the afterlife shouldn't be the determining factor in how someone leads their life. We have on one side someone who has led a terribly evil and hate filled life but wants desperately to live in heaven in his afterlife. On the other hand we have someone who doesnt much care about the afterlife but I was trying to make clear (and didnt very well) that his life had been great and he was at peace with wherever he was going (if anywhere)...


Any advice? I am very open to constructive criticism. I know i need to tighten up the entire man/woman/hospital situation.. and the priest/[prisoner scene is getting re done. My friend and i are going to re-write it sometime this week what do you think could help it?
 
I think a connection between these two dying men would be interesting. Like brothers, or cousins, or something.

Emphasize the satisfaction of a life well live, and emphasize the fear of dying for the other. Maybe have the daughter dressed im similar colors as the priest so it's like her presence and her words are the salvation for the father.
 
Hi Nathan,

Looking at the trees, your writing style is fine with only a few glitches as:

"From the small window in the door, Carrey watches as the doctor puts her grandfather into a peaceful, final sleep."


I suppose if you're filming it, you know what "puts" mean - we have no idea and it's not spelled out. If you're implying that the doctor is doing "something" that's out of camera view, say so in the script if you're selling the concept to others. Anyway, this is something you can easily resolve.

The bigger issue is the story. As it is now, there's not enough emotional binding or synergy between the two stories. Can you intertwine them in some way? Could the Priest maybe be written into both stories? Or maybe show some irony between their respectives lives? It would be simple enough to add a visual cue such of the men taking a last glance of their respective wives - the prisoner pulling a tattered picture out of his pocket, the old man giving a final glance of a picture his daughter brought in the hospital. Maybe use parallels or contrast of the men both eating the same "last supper", or maybe the old man eating sensibly and the sinner eating decadently wtith ravenous abandon, etc. Who knows, maybe you could even get by with parallel/contrasting light, music, camera angles, editing, set design, costume colors - just give 'em something more...

And if you could create a few teasing cues that would come to closure in ACT III (or at least leave the audience hanging to make their own assesment), the audience would appreciate your effort to give them a meaningful resolution. Okay?

Again, your writing style is a good start - not too wordy which is a common trap for us all.

Good luck, Michael
 
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Thanks guys that is exactly the kind of input I was looking for. I think I am getting a good idea of a major rewrite to put into use some of your ideas, Michael. I still want to keep it to a 6 minute time limit even though it won't be in Lovefest, and keep it very low budget and managable to film as that's what it is intended for.

That leads me to another point... the script aint perfect I know.. it's a personal project so it's for me. Heh I like being able to stretch out and relax (so to speak) while I'm writing ... Although I agree with your corrections if this were spec.

I like the last meal idea... I might work with that somehow... and connecting them... brilliant! haha I was thinking of making the elderly man an unfortuneately ill younger man... ya!
 
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