Any Film makers seeking a Low budget script???

It makes no sense, makes no attempt to tie itself together, the dialog is convoluted and unrealistic, often waving between ultra-pseudo intellectual 'ta good 'ol redneck, and lacks anything interesting whatsoever.

There's commentary here? About what? Poverty? How?

What's with the voice-over (which I'm only assuming was a voice over, since there was not indication it was)? What is he doing the whole time during the it? Just driving?

My list could go on for pages...


This script is completely hopeless.

Now, keep in mind that you are not hopeless in the least. You could very well be the next Tarantino. But not with this script.

Read a few screenwriting books, and get the formatting down.
As I said, you could really go far. But you're going to have to realize what is a good script and what isn't. This script is not good, and I can't think of a single person who might think it is.
 
I didn't read through all the posts, but I did read the first page of the script. I stopped when I realized that you "told" the story. "Show don't tell" is a basic part of screenwriting. Why did you have Scott tell us why he got married? You could have simply said...

SCOTT

That’s my wife over there in the
yellow and white.
Damn good woman.
It’s a shame that I married her.


At least now the audience has something to think about. Also, why does he
contemplate saying his name. That doesn't make sense.​



 
I went on and read page 2 and 3. I think I have a way for you to show this info as well. If you just add a line in scene 1 to let the audience know that he's going into work early (or that's what they think) like this...

WIFE
I wish you would go in at your normal time.

HUSBAND
Getting there early is the only way to impress the Boss.

Then cut to him sitting drinking a beer watching the girls has major impact. He's lying to his Wife so the audience gets an insight to their relationship. He could also have a 20 years of service plaque sitting on the floor with garbage on top of it. Then all that dialog with him can be cut. You just showed the audience that he hates work and spends his mornings watching girls.
 
That's some really sharp ideas.

Will put it too usage.

I can see clearly now the impact in what you're saying
 
you posted in my other thread. I actually like the script. I cannot articulate my problems with it better than the others here. However, there are a few problems I have.

1. What the hell is blue merlin?
2. It doesn't seem to have a clear ending. Would feel more satisfying if maybe he got pulled over by a cop and sent to jail for drinking and driving/ or paying for a prostitute. or just something that would tie it off. A solution to this mans problem, wether it be negative or a positive solution.
 
Sorry, thats a typo really meant Blue Marlin and that an United State one hundred dollar.
I will adjust the ending later on today to show that he was arrested.

Thanks for the input!
 
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hey, you don't have to take my example. It's probably better you don't. Come up with it yourself. You'll feel better in the end. Trust me.
 
Evan S said:
hey, you don't have to take my example. It's probably better you don't. Come up with it yourself. You'll feel better in the end. Trust me.
Click to expand...


To add too what Evan is saying, I don't know if your script says anything. What's your message? Why did you write this script? What are you trying to say?
 
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