Prophecy*: my short film

aspiring director

aspiring director

Active member
Ok, so I'm working hard on my short script and wanted to get some feedback before actually writing the script. Here it is; hope you like it or don't hate it too badly =)

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']BEN* is an average college student except he has no memory of his past whatsoever. [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The past never really bothers him too much until he has to complete a class project over family history. [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']At first, he doesn’t even want to attempt it, but at the urging of close friends and his girlfriend, he takes a crack at it. He soon grows frustrated because he has no answers and no way of getting them. But slowly, he starts to uncover his hidden past, but as he does someone in the school is threatening his every move. As BEN gets closer to discovering the secrets, he also gets closer to his death. Someone at his school, knows all about his past, and why his parents really died. BEN is in a race against time to uncover all the secrets of his past before it’s too late.[/FONT]
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*Don't know what I'm going to name the short or characters yet, but these are temp. :dankk2:
 
How long of a short?
Sounds like a pretty viable idea but more like a feature than a short.

I mean I suppose you could take care of all the backstory in a V.O. at the top and and start the short mid-climax but I don't think it would do your concept justice.

I would keep developing this for a feature idea, so when a producer or agent sees the amazing short you've done and expresses an interest in your work, you have your fully developed awesome feature ready to pull out of your bag.
 
i have one major problem with this whole thing.

your main character is obviously not "average" if he has no recollection of his past, family or any other events. that's a pretty big suspension of disbelief and i'd need a lot more to make that jump. if he's got this crazy mysterious background, he's not gonna be some regular kid in college.

the rest lacks something that makes this a particularly unique concept, i've seen a bunch of "he has no memory and now he must get it back but someone doesn't want him to have it!" so the specifics will have to be pretty unique. that said, it's a solid concept for a short or feature with lots of room for filling in the holes. You've got a lot of options for how you want to go about it.

But that's the big issue - I always consider that to break in, you have to have one of three things: a great concept and great execution, a great concept and good execution, or a good concept and great execution. this one is a good concept, but needs something unique to really make it stand out. he could have, for instance, been bitten by a radioactive seamonkey and now gains their powers but has lost his memory. only there is an agent from the government's secret seamonkey harvesting program that seeks to capture him before he activates the seamonkey king! and i don't know.but you see what i'm getting at
 
You will have to clearly explain why he has no recollection of his past. And, if he is going about his business of being a college student, you'll need to explain why he's given up trying to figure it out....because right now it seems like he woke up one day, went to class, realized he has NO idea who he is but still accepted his assignment and went about doing his homework....

Not to re-write anything for you...but as a suggestion that illustrates what I am talking about...if the school psychologist was in on it and in the beginning he was meeting with him and he was clearly explaining his "condition" and or why he just needs to be patient because it will all come back to him one day and that he needs to go about his normal activities until his memory comes back...etc.

That would help me. I would understand WHY he wasn't trying to figure out his memory problem...and why he was going to class and acting like business is usual because the school shrink is giving him this advice...etc.
 
is this the story of Jason Bourne in college? Honestly it sounds too much like a Bourne movie. Losing his memory, can't remember who he is, trying to figure it out, helpful girl... Just my 2 cents.
 
good ideas. thanks for your feedback. I just figure that yes he wants to know his past, but it didn't bother him too much until he had to do the project. he just kinda accepted the fact he can't remember but sometimes thinks about it. And at first, he doesn't want to do the project, his friends finally change his mind and he attempts it. And I'm still tweaking and adding. But thanks for your help. =)
 
What if:
He reluctantly digs into his family history only to find that he was adopted. As he digs in more he finds that his parents were killed - the big secret is that his adoptive parents are the ones who killed his real parents and they've killed others as well - now they are focusing their wrath on him.

I could write this in a month.
 
He reluctantly digs into his family history only to find that he was adopted.
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He already knows he's adopted and that somehow his parents died. He lived with an adoptive elder woman.

As he digs in more he finds that his parents were killed - the big secret is that his adoptive parents are the ones who killed his real parents and they've killed others as well - now they are focusing their wrath on him.
Click to expand...

And for this part, someone is trying to kill him, someone at his very school. See, there is this prophecy (hence the title) that he is supposed to cause the downfall of someone. Can't say anymore; it'll ruin the twist. :D
 
Maybe I'm missing something... How long hasn't he known the past? How much past doesn't he remember? Is this like Memento? Did this happen suddenly one day, where he woke up with some sort of amnesia? These all seem like relevant facts in order to determine the plausibility of this idea. If it just dawned on him one day that he doesn't remember anything before, say 2 months prior, why wouldn't he feverishly look for clues? That seems odd to me. I'm not sure I'm buying that. If he is very nonchalant about the whole mystery, it had better be explained later or it doesn't work. Is that what you had planned?
 
My question is simple, but goes to the heart of your idea: what is the function of his amnesia? I mean, what are you getting out of his "not remembering the past" and how would it be different if he "didn't know the past". In either case he can "uncover" it. What's so vital about his having amnesia, versus simple lack of knowledge? Whatever twist you are preparing, you better have it really need specifically amnesia, otherwise it'll feel sort of contrived and pointless, IMHO. Keep in mind, having amnesia is a very contrived situation to begin with, best not to contrive too much more, unless you have a really amazing twist that makes the whole thing work.
 
Well, I never said it was amnesia. It's just more of he can't remember. Like me, I really don't remember when I was very young only bits and pieces. It's kinda like him. I guess it's more it doesn't know his past. And yes, I am still tweaking it so I can get it just right. Thanks to everyone so far tho on the feedback!
 
aspiring director said:
Well, I never said it was amnesia. It's just more of he can't remember. Like me, I really don't remember when I was very young only bits and pieces. It's kinda like him. I guess it's more it doesn't know his past. And yes, I am still tweaking it so I can get it just right. Thanks to everyone so far tho on the feedback!
Click to expand...

but ...

aspiring director said:
... he has no memory of his past whatsoever....
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... is a neurological condition i.e., amnesia

sounds like you are talking about some sort of repressed memory specific too a traumatic event i.e., his parents death

what won't work is some wishy washy middle ground where he kinda sorta remembers some stuff and not some other stuff just because ... unless it's a comedy and he's a stoner or something.
 
I can see it now

Two stoner college kids sit in a car in the dormitory parking lot.

JON
Oh, man... I just realised... I don't remember anything about my past, man.

MIKE
Oh sh*t, dude...

Mike passes a bong to Jon. Jon takes a rip.

MIKE
What are you gonna do, man?

JON
(Coughing)
I dunno, man, I guess I should, like, go find out or something
 
ok this came to me while working on the script. Don't laugh but Ben is like Harry Potter. Potter lost his parents at a young age and doesn't know who they are or what his life was like before the Dudleys. Ben is like this too. He doesn't know much about his parents or his life before being with his adoptive guardian. And, you don't see Harry trying to find out about his parents; he just kinda accepts it but still wishes he knew.
 
Harry Potter was a baby. Most babies don't remember what happened to them at such a young age? If you're telling us that your idea is that you have a guy who can't remember what happened to him before the age of 1... that pretty much sums up about every person on this planet.

And I'm not adopted, but isn't it a safe assumption that many adopted kids never research their biological parents? I have a half-sister who was given up for adoption about 8 years before I was born and I can tell you that she never came a knockin'. It doesn't sound like our character is much different than most other adopted kids. Is this what you're going for?
 
i wanted a character that some can relate to. Like he's just like you and me with his problems. And he's not some kid way out there. The audience needs to feel kinda connected to him.... (and he's parents didnt die when he was a baby, I was using potter as a loose example)
 
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