CLEAN - A short, short film by Mike O'Dea (Ifocus)

first few shots were excellent but after that it was all going downhill.
There wasn't any development in the story what so ever and it lost my interest and in the end I didn't know what you wanted to show already...
 
dangal said:
first few shots were excellent but after that it was all going downhill.
There wasn't any development in the story what so ever and it lost my interest and in the end I didn't know what you wanted to show already...
Click to expand...

In the begining the character has blood all over his hands and the knife and as the story continues, the blood is washed away and everything becomes "Clean". There is your development. It's subtle, but it's there.

In the end, everything is clean but his soul and at that moment or relization, he calls 911 on himself for commiting murder. That is what we as writers call resolution.

Thanks for your comments.
 
ShamrockFilms said:
In the begining the character has blood all over his hands and the knife and as the story continues, the blood is washed away and everything becomes "Clean". There is your development. It's subtle, but it's there.

In the end, everything is clean but his soul and at that moment or relization, he calls 911 on himself for commiting murder. That is what we as writers call resolution.

Thanks for your comments.
Click to expand...
But it was too long, and the shots started to get repetitive. There were also a few continuity errors as far as blood on the floor, no blood on the floor, blood on the floor, etc.

Your piece, as is, does not really carry the theme that you want it to carry. It has nothing to do with subtlety. The tone and form of the piece just don't convey the story that you want it to.

There just didn't seem to be any story logic behind the order of the shots. It just went back and forth between him cleaning different things, when he really should be progressing through various stages of clean. The floor, the knife, and last of all his hands.

Also the song doesn't work at all. It's gives the piece a completely different mood than the theme you seem to desire for it.

I personally think that he should never get completely clean. The blood should get on his shirt or on the picture when he takes it out of his wallet, something to indicate that he can't get rid of that last drop of blood.



Right now it comes across as if the guy is preparing himself to make the 911 call all along, and not that he makes his decision in the middle of the clean up process.
 
Last edited:
The song doesn't work for you personally. But it works for me as the director and my vision. I agree about the consistency with the blood.

At first I was going to only show the clean up and then end it so I could check out the results of the 35mm lens, but I thought it'd take it a step further and add him calling 911 at the end.

Good points. I'll keep them in mind if I decide to take "Clean" seriously and re-shoot it. Thank you.
 
You described the story in your response to Dangal. If you don't want criticism, then why post on the boards? What do you want, a bunch of empty praise? "Hey nice job! great work! love it!"? Sorry if that's not the way I do things. To me personally, criticism is much more help than praise.

You need to learn to take criticism a bit better. I actually thought you were a little brusque in your response to Dangal. It was a sort of a "thanks for your view, but you're an idiot for missing this" type of comment. I felt a little bit of the same in your first response to me.

You seem set in your ways, which can be both good and bad. It just seemed like you wanted constructive criticism at first, but then you were sort of snappy. Our mistake.

The lighting looked good, and I thought that the piece was well edited to the music. Good luck on your future projects, and no hard feelings.
 
Agcohn, You can always PM me if you have a problem with me. But now that you put it out there publicly, I'll inform you as to why my response to Dangal may have appeared to have a little attitude.

If someone said to my face " There wasn't any development in the story" I would take that critisism very well in person and on this board. I'd likely respond with something like, "Okay, why do you feel that way?"

But if someone says to my face, "There wasn't any development in the story WHAT SO EVER", I would take that as a lack of respect and to be honest I'd turn my back and walk away before I ended up doing something I'd regret. You may respond with something like "we aren't in highschool", but take a look around my websites. You'll know then respect is something I take serious. You treat people with respect, you get it back, you treat them without respect, you get no respect.

I thought you and dangal were the same person because your comments were much like each other, that was my mistake.
 
Last edited:
I agree with most of the comments. I think all I can add is you should show more of the person and his face. Right now he's just a stick figure. And I think the song is too obvious and makes the piece too stylized. And also, as agcohn said, it gives it a different mood, and it really doesn't seem to fit at all. I think the shot selection could be broader too. The editing flows well, and the lighting is pretty good (a little too orang-y for my tastes though). I like the concept, and think you shoudl expand upon this short. It could probably work well if you let it become more than a visual metaphor.
 
hey man I'm really sorry if |I hurt your feelings I really didn't mean to.
I really liked your short but there were a few problems that made the story stop evolving completely which I think can be solved easily in editing.
Also the calling 911.. I really didn't get that maybe because I'm stupid but you didn't actutally show him dialing 911, and something in the whole mood of the short made me feel like this was a mafia hitman or something, I mean somebody professional so I didn't think he would call 911.
I didn't get the hand movement also I thought it was some ritual he did after washing his knife from blood.
Anyway. Sorry I wrote it like that but what I meant is you should edit it better and it would be an excellent short.
 
dangal said:
hey man I'm really sorry if |I hurt your feelings I really didn't mean to.
I really liked your short but there were a few problems that made the story stop evolving completely which I think can be solved easily in editing.
Also the calling 911.. I really didn't get that maybe because I'm stupid but you didn't actutally show him dialing 911, and something in the whole mood of the short made me feel like this was a mafia hitman or something, I mean somebody professional so I didn't think he would call 911.
I didn't get the hand movement also I thought it was some ritual he did after washing his knife from blood.
Anyway. Sorry I wrote it like that but what I meant is you should edit it better and it would be an excellent short.
Click to expand...
No problem. Anyway, enough of my laws of the prison yard... I see what you mean by the "hitman" thing. The hand movement thing was improv. Maybe he was getting his sorts back together. I don't know, I just sort of did it not thinking of why. I am going to try and think of a more hitman-ish ending. It's hard though, to have some type of conflict (cleaning the knife) and then resolving it in under 2 minutes. Maybe it would be better just to have the bathroom "Clean" and then maybe we see his face at the end and he says "clean" or calls like a boss or something and says "Location is clean".
 
Billy Pilgrim said:
I agree with most of the comments. I think all I can add is you should show more of the person and his face. Right now he's just a stick figure. And I think the song is too obvious and makes the piece too stylized. And also, as agcohn said, it gives it a different mood, and it really doesn't seem to fit at all. I think the shot selection could be broader too. The editing flows well, and the lighting is pretty good (a little too orang-y for my tastes though). I like the concept, and think you shoudl expand upon this short. It could probably work well if you let it become more than a visual metaphor.
Click to expand...
I didn't show my face because I have a feature film going into production and I'm the main character. I'm trying to not over expose myself. What I mean is, I don't want people/fans to get bored of me before Townies comes out. The song is obvious and I know that's the wrong thing to do. But I really like that song and it meant something to me personally to use it. If I re-shoot it though and take this a little more serious (festivals and such), i'll use music I have rights too. Thanks for the comment on the editing. That took me the longest, about 5 hours.
 
yeah the jhonny cash music was really cool and hitmanish.
no no he's gotta say something more hinted like: "I got delayed"
 
"I got delayed" that's F#ckin' great. Very hitmanny. Or maybe I could go for shock value somehow, to make it really pay off in the end.
 
hey shamrock, about to watch it. How did u compress your vid? 5mb is a nice small size for that length. please tell?
 
ShamrockFilms said:
I didn't show my face because I have a feature film going into production and I'm the main character. I'm trying to not over expose myself. What I mean is, I don't want people/fans to get bored of me before Townies comes out. The song is obvious and I know that's the wrong thing to do. But I really like that song and it meant something to me personally to use it. If I re-shoot it though and take this a little more serious (festivals and such), i'll use music I have rights too. Thanks for the comment on the editing. That took me the longest, about 5 hours.
Click to expand...

I didn't know you played the part yourself. I made a short film late last year by myself, set in a bathroom, where I play the character. I filmed myself laying on the floor in my underwear, showering, and shaving/trimming my goatee off. It disturbed a lot of people. I cut myself for real, on accident, which freaks people out. It's pretty cool. Everyone I know was surprised and said it was the last thing they'd expect me to do in a film.
 
hey shamrock. I liked your short. i was risky and unique not showing the persons face. I really like that about it. I mean it could be developed a bit more, maybe add more shots and different angles to speed up the tension. Maybe add sound effects and more subtle music to build tension also. But i like the idea. Also the look is very nice. I actually own an ifocus that i purchased used. I dont see them around anymore. Tell you the truth, it for me is one of the best 35mm adapters out there. What lens size did you use. what did you edit on? And how was your lighting setup? What did you use for CC? All in all i like the idea. I mean if you just develope a bit more as far as shots and editing you have something that doesnt need much details. Its a short. Anyway keep it up!
 
I liked the short - wasnt sure about the ending but it works. However am much more excited to see what happens with Townies. Just checked out your website - looks like a promising film. Hope everything goes well for you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top