Critique this scene from short film

sotty said:
Here's mine, some already mentioned.

-The music at the end should have been over the entire scene.
-The sound has been mentioned but I wouldn't have even shot this w/o an shotgun.
-The park bench doesn't fit the scene at all. A dark alley, in a car maybe to better capture some shadow detail.
-To much dialogue from the mafia guy - less is more here as this can imply that the hit man is worried as hell that what will happen if he doesn't do it.
- You need some movement from the actors, nervous tension, but only on the man asked to do the hit. The nervousness of this type of scene was not exposed.
-The mafia guy didn't look once over his left shoulder or behind him. Whos watching?
-To much eye contact, they aren't dating - they should barely be looking at each other but rather their surroundings.
-Show some cutaways to what is around them.
-The hit man's fiancee reference is weak, I'd use recently married and expecting ---then show some kids playing at the park as the hitman ponders.
-Mafia guy asking for a hit - Wheres the nonchalant pat down for a wire?
-Get closeup on hit man to show tension of what the mafia guy asked him to do.
-Handing a "yellow" piece of paper with an address, better to use white paper and have it burnt after the hit man eyes it for 5 seconds.

Hope this helps you.
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ahh, cool advice. :thumbup:
 
FilmBoy77 said:
yea, i am going to look into getting a bounce board or something....anybody have a link or something on how to use it effectively? just use a white construction board with foil on it and angle it at them? i've seen it done briefly in some photos but didnt get it.

as far as it being too long i have been trying to figure out if there is some kinda creative way i can maybe have the other three scenes play out fully (about 2 mins a piece) and use parts of this park scene as a flash back sequence so people kinda figure out whats going on as the story moves forward....i was trying to find some movies that use this technique efffectively though before i do it.
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I tell ya what i've used and it's just as good at the bounce you buy at a pro photo store and a fraction of the price. At Lowe's Home Depot, they sell 4'x 8' foamcore insulation that's white on one side with blue writing and silver on the other... Makes a fabulous bounce... really really bright. Just use it to cath the sun and angle it accordingly... I use them instead of bringing out some bright HMis.. when you have son and in Florida that' 80 percent of the time..

I've even constructed a kind of sun dial around the subject and thrown what must be 20K worth of bounce at them... LOOKS stunning but I couldnt' keep anything as it was for a client.. I do need to shoot something similar again...

It's also a bouce that's only 8 bucks each. I usually cut it up into 2 4x4 sheets... at the photo place it would be 35 bucks each...
 
well you can back it up.... You could angle it off the subject.. You could turn it to the white side so it's not as bright... the shiny side is what's really reflective... you could add a dulling spray.....


usually outside it's about balance between the two extremes so you'll need to have something to block the sun and something to reflect it. I personally love the overheads and butterflies that you can buy now for cheap. They have silks, scrims and reflective materials... So darn cool. Here in the South you'd use it all the time..a nd it makes yoru footage look awesome.. and your producutcion looks so professional.
 
First of all, good JOB, shooting anything with tension is NEVER EASY!

I think everyone has pretty much summed up what you need to do in this scene to make it a bit more lively and believable..

- COLOR CORRECTION (make it look different) If your lighting was perfect, I wouldn't say anything, but the faces being dark, are a bit distracting.. BLOW out the BG, up your WHITES, give it a stylized look.. COLD maybe, some BLUE.. PLAY with it..

-CLOSE UPS on the ACTORS

-EXTREME CLOSE UPS on the ACTORS

-ECU on HANDS, eyes, etc... (easily done in a few min while shoot, no need to shoot the whole scene., just tell your actors, ok, "NOW YOUR SCARED", "NOW YOUR WORRIED" "NOW YOU HAVE TO PEE!") Twiddle your thumbs.. etc.. It adds "realness" to the scene.. We NEVER sit still..

This little things give you room to PLAY and can add TENSION to the scene..

MUSIC is by FAR the biggest missing thing... When you add some tense music to a scene like this you will get a MUCH better reaction.. MUSIC can do wonders with human emotions.. It can change a great project into a FLOP, and vice versa..

I think you have the skill to do these, and your in the right direction.. You don't need to do all of our ideas on here, but take a look at what you have and see what you can implement into your current edit..


Sincerely,

 
cool man thanx. i'm on it. re-editing the whole thing and just using the park scene as a flashback on certain key lines. it's made the whole short film under 10 mins which is even better now. this was the longest scene. going to mess around with more color correction styles.
 
hey thanx DJ, ya, this scene was shot on two different days. i've decided to use key sections from this scene as a flashback and have already turned it into black and white since this scene i had the most trouble with.

yea, i tried to half step on the audio by using the only mic (a condensor mic with a dead cat and BBG on it) i had at the time. since then i've ordered a shotgun mic for outdoor shoots.

if anybody is interested in seeing the entire thing i can post it up and you guys can critique the rest of it. the whole short is 8 mins long now that i've cut this scene out and used it as a flashback.
 
I'd be into seeing the whole piece, for sure. I don't really know what to add that hasn't already been said, and I think the choices you've made as far as restructuring the movie will make this scene, and probably your entire film, more effective.

If you're willing to share the whole thing, I'm sure we'll all give it some more feedback.
 
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