Quality Of Life - A New Hvx Film
- Thread starter jefft99
- Start date
Jeff-
You're giving too much of the story away....and after watching it 5 times I'm still having trouble with the womans lines...way too breathy to understand especially in the opening in black ... So here's an idea...cut the dialogue so you don't have anything said until "Today is Sunday, my last day on earth" immediately our interest is peaked. then we see them sleeping and she wakes -shot of him -she wakes him "yes?" cut to- him carrying her cut to- card shot of 9% and then V.O. of his line "I am alive" cut to- shot of him crying in car (first shot is more dramatic than second of him) cut to- your introducing card , cut to- single shot of girl in pink saying "breath", but don't cut to him, that way it will keep the mystery alive, we don't know who she's working on. cut to black and V.O. of line.."its not your time".
...anyway...those are some thoughts I had..and only because I think the potential is there for it to really suck us into wanting more instead of giving us the whole story in the teaser. hope it helps and really looking forward to the completed piece.
You're giving too much of the story away....and after watching it 5 times I'm still having trouble with the womans lines...way too breathy to understand especially in the opening in black ... So here's an idea...cut the dialogue so you don't have anything said until "Today is Sunday, my last day on earth" immediately our interest is peaked. then we see them sleeping and she wakes -shot of him -she wakes him "yes?" cut to- him carrying her cut to- card shot of 9% and then V.O. of his line "I am alive" cut to- shot of him crying in car (first shot is more dramatic than second of him) cut to- your introducing card , cut to- single shot of girl in pink saying "breath", but don't cut to him, that way it will keep the mystery alive, we don't know who she's working on. cut to black and V.O. of line.."its not your time".
...anyway...those are some thoughts I had..and only because I think the potential is there for it to really suck us into wanting more instead of giving us the whole story in the teaser. hope it helps and really looking forward to the completed piece.
dwstudio
Active member
THE AUDIO WAS SUPERB... very close to perfect... congrats on the audio job... I LIIIIIIIIIIKE...
It seems like it was giving too much away, but that's not how the story goes right? I hope. If so, then you are...
HERE:s the only thing I did NOT like, and things you can improve:
The animations of the titles lasted too long (especially the title one), and they don't go with the excellent shots and audio... that would be my only challenge...
the fonts come in like an intro of a short movie instead of a trailer... there's too much info on who's who rather than on the story...
For a rough, it is very very good, and the things that I pointed out are EASILY correctable...
Congrats on the look, the shots, the audio, the music and especcially the story... it looks very interesting...
The fonts are killing it... (at least for me)...
Good luck!
It seems like it was giving too much away, but that's not how the story goes right? I hope. If so, then you are...
HERE:s the only thing I did NOT like, and things you can improve:
The animations of the titles lasted too long (especially the title one), and they don't go with the excellent shots and audio... that would be my only challenge...
the fonts come in like an intro of a short movie instead of a trailer... there's too much info on who's who rather than on the story...
For a rough, it is very very good, and the things that I pointed out are EASILY correctable...
Congrats on the look, the shots, the audio, the music and especcially the story... it looks very interesting...
The fonts are killing it... (at least for me)...
Good luck!