New 4 Page Comedy/Something else?

RyanT

RyanT

Veteran
I'd just like some criticism on this script as well as some ways to cut it down. I need it to be under 4 pages, but I just can't figure out how to do it.

It's pretty much about this guy who goes off the deep end after he loses the love of his life to some preppy jock.

Bombs Away!

Also a few questions about the screenplay format

How do I write out montages?
In this I just wrote it as if it were a new scene and described the action, is that right?
What do I do when its a voice over of the character? Do you just write V.O.? or what?
 
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Interesting concept. Keep working on it.

Since this is a short script, give Random Criminal one and two names. Remember to give us character's ages, that helps us see them in our head. You don't have to give a specific age, like 21, you can say 20's, mid-30's, etc.

You can see people telling us tales of why they are on the run. First line should be something like "A group of young men stand around a fire. Some eat off tin plates." Although I think it would be more likely they are sharing a bottle of liquoir around the fire.

What is Jacob's age? What is Random Criminal's age? It would be JACOB (V.O.) -- for voice over. What's Samantha's age?

Where ever possible take out the is and the ing words. They are passive writing. And who is Jacob feeding strawberries too?

Here's how I would rewrite the line to make it more active.

Jacob SITS on the grass, FEEDS Samantha strawberries, an opened picnic basket nearby. (When you read the previous, does it feel more active?)

4 - A yellow case of what? We can't see it might be a bomb case. Take out that part. It's enough to know Jason works on a yellow case with wires in it.

Wouldn't Jacob stop the count down. Otherwise the bomb is going to go off, before he gets it delivered. He may grabs gloves and a black ski mask, but I don't think he's going to wear it yet. His parents may think it's odd.

How do we know it's Ethan's house? We never see Ethan. Maybe have Ethan in the earlier scene where Jacob meets him, see Ethan and Samantha drive away in a nice car. And then in this scene the same car is parked outside the house.

I'd add just a wee bit to the ending. Have Random Criminal 1 asked "How do you know he was in the house? Maybe he was out with friends?"

Then see Jacob with the light bulb going off in his head. Then Random Criminal 2 ends with "I bet their f*cking each other right now, outlaw."

Take what you can use and toss the rest.
 
Thanks for the comments, some very interesting thoughts.

I'll be sure to add in the ages now and taking out the ing words really does make it feel more active.

I never thought about his parents seeing him in a black ski mask and gloves, very true.

I was thinking about adding a part where he looks inside and sees a picture of Ethan and Samantha inside. I'll do that to make it more obvious it's his house.

And I really love your suggestion for the ending. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some good constructive criticism!:thumbup:
 
What kind of passage of time were you envisioning for this story. From the script it is hard to tell, but it seems like all this action is taking place in a very short time frame. Also, if they are just teenager's in high school...how much stuff would she have at his house, and if he just got dumped, why would she already be carrying a picture of her and Ethan? Plus, where did the photo come from on the dartboard. Also, it seems somewhat unbelievable to me that a high school kid that would be sweet and sensitive enough to mark the days off a calendar in anticipation of Valentine's Day would not only instantly know how to make a bomb, but would have the neccessary components within arms reach.

I know it is just a quick film, and a short script, but those are way too big of holes for my taste.
 
You can easily get this script down by implimenting some of Wild's suggestions... Taking out the is' and ing's will take your writing to a whole new level. I'm working on my third feature script and completed and just completed a 14 page short about a serial killer called, The Maker... Rarely will you see the word "is" in any of them.

SmithHouse
 
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